The Bachelorette: Episode #7

The first full season of The Bachelor franchise that I ever watched was Season 14 (Jake's season), which I started watching because of the Rozlyn-sleeping-with-a-producer scandal.  Obviously, I've been hooked ever since, but I would have never started watching had it not been for that incident.  As a result, I've kept a soft spot for any producer-related scandals on reality shows, rare as they are.  That's why I'm so excited for tonight's episode, where Emily finds out about Arie's previous relationship with a producer on the show.  And to make it even better, Arie is the frontrunner right now in my mind.

7:58: I'm very excited for tonight.

8:03: You can't tell me that the tourism board in Prague didn't pay for some advertising this week.

8:07: Heeeeere we go!

8:08: Oh wow, they even name the producer!  And they talk to her and show her on camera!  This is what happens when I suddenly get excited about something!  I can't stop using exclamation marks!

8:12: "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison."  Again, we all know who you are, Chris.

8:15: I enjoyed that candid interview.  A lot of "ya know"s from Emily made it obvious it wasn't a scripted comment or interview.

8:17: Emily's hand was very high up on Arie's leg.

8:21: Again, we all know your name, Chris.  You don't have to introduce yourself once, let alone twice, in an episode.

8:22: Worst build up and letdown ever.

8:23: Look at the smile and the way Emily is looking at Arie.  She's definitely picking Arie at the end.

8:24: Chris, the guy who flipped out on Doug in the first or second episode, is suddenly worried about showing his emotions in front of the other guys.  OK.

8:25: Look at the smile and the way she's looking at him.  Signed, sealed, and delivered.  Lock.  It.  Down.

8:27: Emily essentially just said she loved him too without actually saying the words.  The other guys are playing for second place right now.

8:31: Will we finally get an explanation on John's "Wolf" nickname?  He's clearly not making it to hometown dates next week.

8:32: My prediction for the Final 4 - Arie, Jef With One F, Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette, and Doug.

8:34: The last time Emily mentioned "liking someone as a person", she was talking about Travis right before she sent him home.

8:39: The only thing that could possibly save Wolf at this point is if he just started howling at the moon.  At least that way, he'd be showing Emily some passion.  Hold her hand, for God's sakes.  Make a move.  Do something!

8:40: Emily just said she felt sorry for him.  Words a guy never wants to hear from a woman.

8:46: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette has a malfunction in his programming.  What the hell is he doing?

8:48: Emily kept on rubbing Sean's arm like she was trying to start a fire with the friction.

8:52: I can't believe Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette actually ran around the city and found Emily.  He must have installed some kind of tracking program before he ran out of the house.  That's the only explanation.  How else can you explain someone randomly running around in a foreign city and actually finding a moving target in less than 5 minutes?

8:53: I always thought Chris was kinda creepy from the time he flipped out on Doug at the beginning of the season.  It seems that might have been justified if these previews are to be believed.

8:58: Arms crossed.  Not even facing her face to face.  No, Doug.  No.

9:01: Doug uglycry time - I'm calling it.

9:02: Yes, Doug.  Your girl radar is totally broken.

9:03: Oh, he's on the verge of the uglycry.  Just let it happen, Doug.  LET IT HAPPEN.

9:04: And there it is!  I knew Doug wouldn't let me down!

9:05: I've figured it out - we discover the origin of Wolf's nickname...when Emily visits his hometown and meets his family and friends.  That's so obvious - I should have been able to figure that out.  By default, that means Chris is the other guy going home tonight since there's no way that Cyborg, One F, or Arie are going home.

9:08: That's not even a man's key.  That's a cyborg's key.

9:14: "So awkward."  I agree, Emily.

9:18: Anyone else find some of these dolls creepy?

9:20: Jef With One F was absolutely killing it with the MJ doll.

9:21: Jef With One F is the next Bachelor.

9:23: The puppet play is strangely riveting.

9:25: Emily doesn't kiss Jef With One F with nearly the same passion as Arie.

9:30: Is it just me, or does Emily look more tanned for Jef's date than the previous day?

9:35: What the hell did Jef With One F say as they finished the date?  Can someone with PVR clarify that and get back to me?  Because I think I know what I heard...and if it is what I thought it was, it's brilliant: "I want to date you so bad and marry the **** out of you."

9:37: Crazy Chris Time!

9:38: Why is Arie leading this group discussion?  This would be the perfect spot for Chris Harrison.

9:39: I can't believe I just called a Chris Harrison appearance a minute before it happened.

9:40 I look forward to Chris' exit interview.  What's going to happen?  Crazy laughter?  Tears?  Uglycry?  Angry rant?  Punches out the window?  Demands to get out of the car so he can walk?  Any or all of these things could happen.

9:47: The sad but dramatic violin solo to kick off the final segment foreshadows an epic scene between Chris and Emily in about two minutes.

9:51: I have no idea what's going to happen right now.  This is why this show is so awesome, even though these two guys don't have a chance in hell of winning.

9:52: And boom goes the dynamite!

9:54: Oh, going old school with the exit vehicle this episode!

9:55: This episode will just makes Chris' exit next week that much more epic.

10:04: A great, great episode.  Despite the letdown of Arie's relationship with the producer, this episode is an instant classic as far as I'm concerned.  You had Doug getting sent home, Arie doing his thing, Chris losing his mind, Cyborg roaming the streets, then suddenly peaceful One F to change the pace, followed by a tense and dramatic rose ceremony after a chat with Chris Harrison.  That's all I could really ever ask for in an episode.  I look forward to Emily's emotional meltdown next episode.

The Bachelorette: Episode #6

Before we get into the main event, have you heard that ABC has revealed the Bachelor Pad cast for this summer?  This show rivals anything and everything else on television, and it might be one of those rare occasions where the spinoff is greater than the original.  Yes, that's right.  I just said that.

Anyway, here are the cast members that are noteworthy:

• Everybody's favorite VIP cocktail waitress is back!  I wonder if Blakely will continue her hobby of stalker scrapbooking this summer.
• We get to find out if Lindzi has stopped putting on makeup with a hose since she'll be on the show as well.
• It says on the link that "Sarah Newlon" from Season 11 will be on.  Yet Wikipedia tells us that Sarah Easton was her name on Season 11.  Looks like soooomebody got married and divorced since Season 11.  And we'll all be better for it if that means Sarah is emotionally unstable and creates a bunch of drama as a result.
• Stunning and awkward Jamie from Ben's season is back for another season!  She's the clear frontrunner for the much coveted FMC status.
• Kalon's back!  He's definitely in line to take over the role of show villain from Bachelor Pad legend Kasey.  Kalon, you have some big shoes to fill, so make sure to step up your evilness.
• Remember Tony from the current season of The Bachelorette?  He was, of course, the single dad who couldn't stand to be away from his son, but only did it because he wanted a shot at love.  In the end, it was too much for him to handle, and Emily voluntold him to go home he and Emily mutually decided it would be best for him to go home.  Well, apparently a shot at love and a shot at $250,000 are both worthy of being away from Tony's son since he's coming back this summer.  I'm pretty sure Tony's not winning another Dad of the Year trophy this year, but I could be wrong.
• Michael will be attempting to be the first ever repeat Bachelor Pad champion.  However, he'll have to do it with a new partner since his old partner is busy being part of the newly formed Blolly.
• They're introducing super fans to be part of the show this season.  An interesting quirk that is made even more interesting because a set of twins are involved.  I did a quick Google search.  Do you know why you might have heard of Brittany and Erica Taltos before?  Because they're the ones who The Situation was infamously twinning with in Italy on Jersey Shore!  I'm sure they're in it for the money, and not because they're trying to be famous.  You know how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and other famous couples are considered a "super couple"?  If Kalon and one of the twins get together, they'll be the "super famewhore couple".

7:25: I still can't believe that Jersey Shore, twinning, and Bachelor Pad are going to collide this summer.  The producers are geniuses.

7:51: Emily is going to be taking care of business tonight, according to Chris Harrison.  And since Chris Harrison is a demigod and never lies, I look forward to watching Emily's business-taking-care-of skills tonight.

7:59: I just crushed the Final Jeopardy question, which was on right before The Bachelorette.  Holmes & Watson.  Chan 1, Trebek 0.

8:02: The preview of today's episode looks pretty juicy.

8:03: Emily's voice has returned.

8:06: "I feel like the luckiest guy in the world."  A lottery winner somewhere in the world would argue otherwise.

8:07: Travis leaves Emily wanting more.  Interesting play, but I'm not sure if it was intentional or not.

8:10: Ah, good to see that Travis recognizes that he is in the FriendZone.  I wasn't sure if he knew he was in the FriendZone.  As a visitor turned perpetual occupier turned property owner turned real estate magnate turned mayoral candidate of the FriendZone, I always root for guys to get out of the FriendZone.

8:16: Travis, I'm totally identifying with you.  And if I'm identifying with you, that means we have things in common.  And if that's the case, Travis, you're likely doomed.

8:18: *sigh*

8:19: Yes!  Symbolic throwing away of the umbrella!  Yes!

8:20: What the hell?  Did we just skip the commercial break?

8:22: See, the Brave marketing people know how to promote properly.  The movie comes out this weekend.  Unlike that Muppets tie-in a few episodes back, which came six months after the Muppets movie had come out.

8:24: So...how many guys do you think are covered up underneath the kilt, and how many guys are letting the boys fly in the wind?

8:29: Tremendous accent on the guy who was introducing the events.

8:31: Chris, if you have no idea what you're doing, you probably don't want to volunteer to go first.

8:33: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette was clearly going to dominate the Highland Games.  He was, after all, specially designed for the show.

8:35: Chris 1, Chan 0.

8:36: Double rainbow in Croatia!  Whoooooa!  What does it meeeeean?

8:42: If Sean and Emily were to have children, they would be half-cyborg, half- Mother Teresa.

8:43: I like how Jef With One F is quiet and polite, but still takes charge of the situation.  For example, when Emily came to meet him, he didn't ask her if she was cold and wanted his jacket.  He just told her that she was going to take it.  It's a very subtle way of taking charge while still maintaining the nice guy persona.  Well done.

8:47: John "Wolf" is going home.  I just want to know why he's "Wolf" before he goes home tonight.

8:54: Arie's reaction was priceless.

8:56: Ryan might be an idiot, but he's an entertaining idiot.

8:58: Ryan loooooves his trophy wife metaphor.  You'd think he would have picked up on how much Emily doesn't like it by now.  You'd think.

9:04: Emily has a different look on her face at this dinner.  Like she's entertained and bemused by Ryan.  She hasn't given this look to anybody else.

9:09: You have to admire how cocky Ryan is, even after he didn't receive the rose.

9:11: Wait, is Ryan such a smooth talker that he might actually convince Emily to change her mind?!?!?!  If this happens, Ryan will no longer Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck.  He'll be Ryan The Guy With Telekinetic Powers.

9:17: There's still a full plate of food on Emily's plate.

9:18: I expect many Ryan-isms in the limo exit interview.

9:19: Those are some serious turquoise shoes that Ryan is wearing.

9:24: "If Ryan is the next Bachelor, the next bachelorette is a mirror."  Classic.

9:27: Arie's hand is half on her hip, half on her butt.

9:28: Everyone else just saw Arie's tongue, right?

9:36: John, if you're going to pour your heart out, you do it while looking into her eyes, not off into the distance.  You could have had an even bigger impact if you had done that.

9:39: Doug is a bumblin', humblin' mess.

9:40: Did Doug just uglycry?

9:49: I wish Chris Harrison was always just around the corner so I could go to him for advice if I needed to.

9:53: John and the possibility of him explaining "Wolf" are still alive!

9:54: Arie dated a producer on the show?  Are they going to show her on camera?  Are they going to interview her?  What the hell just happened?

9:58: Dudes riding donkeys FTW!

10:00: Another excellent episode.  Emily's really coming into her own and gaining confidence with every episode after dealing with Kalon.  I see nothing but entertaining TV from here on out from her.

The Bachelorette: Episode #5

Who's fired up about Emily (finally) getting fired up about something this season?  I sure am.  We're five episodes in, and I'm getting very tired of playing "Who's your daddy?" every week.  As I said last week, my prediction is that Kalon will be on the receiving end of Emily's wrath.

7:58: I want to credit G-Unit about the possibility of Ali's ex, Bobbo, becoming the next Bachelor.  I think he'd be pretty good.

8:01: I'm really excited for feisty swearing Emily.

8:02: What happened to Emily's voice?  Why is it so raspy today?

8:03: "Only one of you will become Emily's husband."  Hooooold on there, Chris Harrison.  Have you seen how many couples from The Bachelor franchise have actually gotten married?  Exactly one - Trista and Ryan.  Sorry, Jason and Molly does not count.

8:05: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette gets the first one-on-one date.  I wonder when he'll reveal the fact that he's a cyborg to Emily.

8:09: "He's so sweet, he's so cute..."  Emily, it's almost like you're saying Sean is too good to be true, like he was a cyborg specially designed for The Bachelorette.

8:11: Sign #1 that Kalon is going to be that guy tonight...

8:14: Good thing that Sean had the soliloquy program installed before he left the U.S.

8:16: By the way, some of you have been leaving comments after each episode's blog (such as last week), which is fanChantastic.  However, nobody has left their name or even initials, so I have no clue who's been leaving these comments.  As a result, I have no choice but to guess who is leaving them.  Last week, for example, there were two comments.  Not sure who the first person was, but I'm pretty sure where the second comment came from.  Those type of positive, encouraging comments can only come from one person I know: Oprah.

8:20: Seriously, they need to address Emily's raspy voice at some point tonight.

8:21: Whoever was in the peanut gallery commenting on each name announced on the group date was probably the same guy who drunkenly yelled out "Christoper!" when Chris Harrison entered the room last week.  And whoever that guy is, he's awesome.

8:25: Hell, I think I'm falling in love with Sean right now.  Such is the power of The Cyborg.

8:29: Finally, they acknowledge that Emily was sick.

8:30: The guy who makes his living flying around a racetrack at 200 miles per hour is "terrified" of auditioning for a play.

8:31: Yes, Travis.  More of this.

8:36: My prediction: Kalon and Alejandro don't make the cut tonight.

8:37: The guy who makes his living driving around a racetrack in front of thousands of fans doesn't like being the centre of attention.

8:41: If you didn't notice, they don't show any panning shots of the crowd.  Which means that their audience is about 30 people.

8:42: Is Kalon trying to win Emily's heart, or is he auditioning for Hollywood right now?

8:43: Yeah, Arie, you sure don't like being the centre of attention.

8:48: By the way, either Emily is the best dater in the history of the human race or these guys have not lived very exciting lives.  How can multiple guys have already called their dates with Emily the best day of their lives?  When I think of the best day of my life, I think of my graduation(s).  I think of the time when I scored the tying goal with less than 5 seconds left in a ball hockey league playoff finals that we would in overtime.  I think of my baseball city championship game when I was 16, when we were down 6-0 in the bottom of the second inning against a dominant pitcher, and I crushed a ball 300+ feet to the opposite field for a triple to start a rally in a game we would eventually win 7-6 (yes, that at-bat is still clear in my head over a dozen years later - I can tell you just about everything that happened on those three pitches, including how I set up the pitcher).  Then again, I've never been on a date with Emily...

8:52: Ryan is reading way too much in his acting kiss.

8:53: I love how they started playing porn music as soon as Ryan closed the curtain.  I've said it once, I'll say it again.  Best sound editors in the business.

8:54: Sign #2 that Kalon is that guy...

8:55: Caaaaaaaaaalled it!

8:56: I like how Emily is thinking of the "most lady-like" response to Kalon.  Oh, Emily.  You never cease to amaze.

8:57: You want to what his ass, Emily?  I'm sorry, but you just can't pull that line off.

9:00: According to Emily's Twitter feed, the phrase is to go "straight up backwoods West Virginia on his ass".

9:01: Here we go - fireworks time!

9:03: You go, girl.

9:08: Possible turning point in the season.  It just got real.

9:13: I'll take the vanilla milkshake I had with dinner over afternoon tea any day of the week, twice on Saturdays.

9:15: Jean is serious about her bid'ness.  Not messing around.

9:16: Fish and chips - my fave!

9:17: Now I want fish and chips.

9:18: You can't read Jef with one F because you're distracted by his hair.

9:19: By the way, if you don't think that Ricki will be taunted with a "Baggage" nickanme by other girls at school when she's in junior high or high school, you're deluding yourself.  It's going to happen.  That's Kalon's lasting legacy.

9:26: I want to start using "West Virginia" as a verb.

9:28: Emily and Jef with one F are having a gentle-and-soft-spoken-off on this date right now.

9:30: I was trying to figure out why Jef with one F's attitude seemed so familiar, and why I liked him so much.  And then it struck me.  Jef with one F is a lot like Ames.  Oh Ames.  How I miss you, your lovable awkward charm, and your ridiculous red pants.

9:34: One of the guys just said it got real last night.  I am absolutely calling everything on this show right now.

9:39: Arie shouldn't have told Chris and Jef with one F about his conversation with Emily, if only because it alerts Chris to the interrogation that he might also experience before the rose ceremony.

9:40: Ryan is so ridiculous.

9:42: *Commence Program Heart Flutter*

9:43: *Program Heart Flutter successfully engaged*

9:47: I stick with my call of Alejandro going home.

9:48: I like how Ryan The Guy With The Ginormous Neck is wearing a scarf that hides his ginormous neck.

9:49: Seriously, when do we get an explanation on John's "Wolf" nickname?  They can't put that as his name and not explain it, right?

9:50: I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm absolutely killing it right now.

9:55: Nice, more drama next week.  It looks like I might be right - the Kalon incident could be a turning point in the season.

9:57: Since I've called everything else on this show, I'll try to predict what they'll put as the closing credits humour piece. It's a toss up between more unbearable Jean or a funny moment in the London Eye.  I'm going with the London Eye.

10:00: Ah, dammit.  Should have known it was Ryan doing Ryan things.

10:04: An excellent episode.  It looks like we've permanently left Boring Emily behind.  ForRealz Emily is in da house!

The Bachelorette: Episode #4

Let's hope that this week is a little more exciting than the snoozefest that was last week.  But no matter what happens, I think we can all agree that Emily's season is still miles ahead of the insecure mess that Ashley's turned out to be.

7:30: I had the most delicious mini-cupcake at work today.  They were so good that not even another boring Emily episode can get me down.

7:33: OK, that's a lie.  I had four.

7:38: I might not be upset if it's another boring episode, but there's a good chance I will fall asleep.  That's what happens when you have four mini-cupcakes with the most delicious icing ever.  Mmmm, icing...

7:44: Chris Harrison tweets that he'll be having his first shrink session sit down conversation with Emily tonight. In other words, tonight is guaranteed to be better than last week.

7:52: Tweets like this are the reason why the amateur baseball draft and The Bachelorette should not be on the same night.  But fear not - I know what my priorities are.

7:56: Wondering if I should turn off my laptop as I transition from the laptop in my bedroom to the laptop in my living room.  #firstworldproblems

8:00: Tonight, on The Bachelorette...Bermuda!

8:01: 2-on-1 date!  It's getting better and better.

8:02: What the hell is Alejandro wearing?

8:03: Who would have thought that the guys would be much happier about going to Bermuda than staying in Charlotte?

8:04: Who's going to be babysitting Ricki when Emily's out on a date?  These are the things I think about.

8:06: Unlike Arie, I want to know and see more of the "football team bromance".  Don't you?

8:07: I think Arie's just jealous because he's not part of the football team.  Instead, he's just standing on the sidelines waving his pompoms.

8:08: Oh yeah, I totally just went there.

8:09: In other news, my Twitter feed is blowing up with baseball draft tweets.  When future generations learn about the courage and bravery it takes to sacrifice oneself for the benefit of others, they'll talk about me tonight.

8:10: Doug's insecurity is pretty funny.

8:13: Emily reflects exactly what I was thinking: "Of course Doug started his own charity.  Of course."

8:17: Are we sure that the correct term is "Bermudian"?  What about Bermudes?  Bermies?  Berms?  Bermudinese?  Bermusian?  Berman?

8:20: "I'm not ready to go home yet."  As opposed to all the other guys, who are ready to go home?  Bachelor clichés for the win!

8:24: Emily doesn't work out?  What?!

8:25: "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she's going to have to let Doug know."  Doug has entered into professional-wrestler-referring-to-himself-in-the-third-person mode.

8:30: Simon wants to pee, but Simon will have to wait until the next commercial break.

8:31: Of course Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette played college football.  Of course.

8:33: "Bermuda Love Triangle".  So awesome.

8:38: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette says that he would have given his right leg  to spend the night popping champagne with Emily.  You know why?  Because cyborgs can get new legs built for them!

8:43: Charlie is not taking the loss well.

8:45: Unlike Doug, Arie is not waiting for a signal from Emily to kiss her.

8:46: Jef with one F has hair that seems to have a life of its own.

8:48: Jef with one F, you did not offer Emily a hand to help her up from the blanket.  C'mon, Jef with one F. I'm cheering for your shy but slightly awkward charm, but you must up your game.

8:52: Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck is a walking quote machine.

8:53: Emily feels like Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck is judging her.  Mostly because Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck is judging her.

8:54: New name for Jef with one F: Jef with one F and a rose!

9:00: Has anyone who was ever on a 2-on-1 date ever been chosen by The Bachelor/ette in the end?  I'm going to guess no.

9:02: Emily claims she is going to enter the 2-on-1 date with an open mind.  So...threesome?

9:07: Emily looks like she overdid her makeup tonight.

9:10: I think Nate freaked Emily out by mentioning him "seeing us together" within three sentences of her asking, "What should I know about you?"

9:12: Nate is sooo going home.

9:13: Chan 1, Natemily 0.

9:14: I want to see some more Nate tears in his exit interview.

9:15: What?!?!?!  No Nate exit interview?  This is outrageous.

9:19: Emily is definitely more tanned tonight than the day before on the 2-on-1.  It makes me wonder what she did during the day.  These are the things I think about.

9:20: You know who wasn't bummed about leaving Charlotte, Emily?  Every guy there.

9:21: "That would be a knuckleball.  That would be beyond a curveball."  This is an incorrect baseball analogy.  Every hitter knows that a knuckleball is coming - there is no surprise factor.  So saying that Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck being sent home would be a knuckleball is saying that it would not be a surprise.  Instead, it would be like saying everybody saw it coming and nobody could do anything about it.  Can someone tell the guys to not misuse baseball analogies?  I will go on a 4 minute typing tangent every time this happens.

9:26: Who is the guy with the ponytail sitting with Ryan The Guy With A Ginormous Neck?  I swear I've never seen or heard him this season.

9:31: There's a lot of necklace action going on with Emily tonight.

9:33: The green blanket was already setup for Chris and Emily before they sat down.  I just want that to be noted.

9:37: Chris.  Wow.  You are a colossal idiot.  Chris was bothered by how Doug wasn't bothered by Chris calling him out, when the entire point of calling Doug out was to get a rise out of him.

9:40: As promised, here's our overdue Chris Harrison head-nodding clinic.

9:42: Hopefully, Emily doesn't have the same "sixth sense" about guys that Ashley had.  Bentley, anyone?

9:46: By the way, how awesome was it when some guy yelled out "Christopher!" when Chris Harrison walked into the room?

9:47: Tonight's episode has been far and away the best one of the season.  Or maybe it's the four mini-cupcakes talking.

9:50: My guess: Ponytail dude and Ryan The Guy With The Ginormous Neck are going home.

9:51: I like how Arie laid a big wet one on Emily's cheek after getting the rose.

9:52: Oh, forgot about Alejandro.  He's totally going home, not Ryan The Guy With The Ginormous Neck.

9:53: Ah damn.  Only 1 out of 2.

9:57: My guess on who Emily goes all Mama Bear on next week: Kalon.  Thoughts?

10:00: I look forward to the running man.

10:01: Easily the most entertaining episode of the season.  Nothing like a bit of competition among the guys to make things interesting.  I'm looking forward to next week.

The Bachelorette: Episode #3

Let's get right into it.  Chris Harrison has some interesting Tweets about tonight.

8:00: Here we go!

8:01: Someone's going to have to clean up that egg mess, you know.

8:08: Is it just me, or was the "thunder" that they were showing just the same shot over and over and over again?

8:13: So Emily thought Chris was 30...

8:17: Is anyone else bored to tears right now?

8:18: First kiss on the show in episode 3?  That must be a record for The Bachelor franchise.

8:23: Let's hope this group date will have a pulse, unlike Chris and Emily.

8:24: Emily throws like a girl.  I'm just sayin'.

8:25: A Wolf sighting!

8:26: This is going to be much more interesting.

8:28: The only thing worse than tonight's episode so far was Ashley's entire season.

8:31: If Emily flipped out because Chris was 25, how come she's not going crazy that Alejandro is 24?

8:32: Wolf, ironically, got eaten alive.

8:34: First "right reasons" of the night!

8:35: Cougar alert!  Cougar alert!  Cougar alert!

8:36: I want the cameras to follow Wendy instead of Emily.  She's much more interesting.

8:37: Ginormous Neck Ryan with the first foot in the mouth of the episode.  If Chris Harrison is to be believed, he won't be the last.

8:44: For the record, I am also...selective.

8:45: I think I'm on Team Sean.

8:47: Notice that Doug didn't actually call her mother "Mom" in his story.  Instead, it was just "My dad married a bad person, and then had my sister, and then me."

8:48: Emily chose Arie over Kalon for the one-on-one date.  In other news, the sky is blue.

8:49: New nickname: Tony Tears.

8:55: Whenever Tony talks, the sad piano solo is always playing in the background.

9:01: Emily just made the most graceful elimination ever.  She might not be the most exciting person in the world, but you'll never say she's not graceful.

9:05: We're about twenty minutes away from meeting Angry Egg-Smashing Emily.  I'm looking forward to it.

9:08: Chris looks really weird sometimes.

9:11: Emily : Dolly Parton :: Me : Mario Lemieux

9:15: If you told me that Dolly Parton was 75, I would believe you.  If you told me that Dolly Parton was 35, I would believe you.

9:16: I've decided that if I were ever The Bachelor, my one and only demand would be to have one of my 1-on-1 dates in Pittsburgh where we would play hockey and Mario Lemieux would "surprise" me us by showing up, after which I would swiftly give the 1-on-1 rose to Mario and tell the girl to go home.

9:22: For a second there, I thought Emily was getting bored while Arie was talking.

9:24: Pretending to not choose Arie means that Arie is the frontrunner.

9:25: I was not aware that Dolly Parton had such a good voice.

9:31: Did Emily just use the word "genuine" to describe Kalon?!?!

9:34: It's not even an angry egg toss!

9:35: Who else is suddenly craving an omelette?

9:36: The Shelly toast by the guys was awesome.

9:37: Oh no, Alessandro.  Oh no.

9:38: If you want to woo a woman, do what Alessandro did.  Only the exact opposite.  Wow.

9:43: So...Arie's going to win.

9:45: Good God, Sean.  You're like a frickin' Bachelor cyborg, created specifically for The Bachelorette.

9:50: Who the hell is the guy with the long hair?  Has he said anything this season?

9:51: Just found out his name was Michael.

9:52: I thought it was weird that all of the guys were wearing blush because their cheeks were slightly red.  Then I realized that everyone's had a few cocktails.  Look at Stevie's cheeks and just try to tell me he hasn't had a couple.

9:54: It's so hard to believe that Emily didn't think that a party MC named Stevie would be a good father to Ricki.

9:59: Well, tonight's episode is what I feared when they announced Emily as The Bachelorette.  Two hours of bland Emily just isn't very exciting if there's not a lot going on.  Fortunately, Wendy and Alessandro were there to keep the show afloat, but I don't think this will go down in Bachelorette history as one of the most exciting episodes ever.

10:00: Alessandro is a gypsy and he's not afraid to tell you that.  And on that note, good night.

The Bachelorette: Episode #2

I've had to stay late at work over the past couple of months since there's been a bunch of work I had to do (though not busy enough to stop taking silly pictures like this and this at work).  I usually don't mind working late, but apparently I'm not very subtle when it comes to not wanting to stay late.  Here's a conversation from last Tuesday:

My boss as he was leaving for the day: So did you watch last night?  (referring to The Bachelorette, which his wife watches)
Me: Yes, of course.
My boss: I couldn't help but notice that you were in a hurry to leave last night...
Me: Yeah.  I usually don't mind staying late, but there are some things that take priority over everything else.

I swear this conversation absolutely happened.

4:57: Remember when I said that nobody likes The Bachelorette more than The Bachelor?  I couldn't really explain why this is the case.  It just is.  Fortunately, the Internet is all-knowing and encapsulated what I was trying to say in one neat paragraph.  As a side bonus: the phrase "testicle spectacle" is involved.

7:47: 13 minutes away!

7:49: By the way, how far are we from seeing Courtney The Model's face plastered across Us Weekly as she talks about her "heartbreaking" breakup with Ben?  Three months?  Three weeks?

7:57: I just discovered that the show doesn't start until 9 PM.  Not impressed.

8:10: Any chance I had of ever watching Dancing With The Stars will have disappeared by the time this waste of an hour is over.

8:33:  Words cannot fully capture how I feel right now.  A picture, however...

8:59: Things I've learned over the past hour.  There is an incredibly attractive contestant on Dancing With The Stars named Katherine Jenkins.  She'd be the prototypical FMC if, you know, she wasn't the reason that I wasn't spending quality time with Emily and Chris Harrison right now. #stillangry

9:00: DWTS overrun.  Still angry.

9:01: Wait, did I hear Kelly Clarkson will be on the next DWTS?  Maybe I could be talked into giving this show a chance...

9:03: Is it just me, or is it weird not being in the Bachelor mansion?

9:05: Things I did not know before tonight - Charlotte's nickname is "Queen City".

9:09: Ryan The Guy With the Ginormous Neck, aka Ryan The Guy Who Overused Quotations In His ABC Bio, is the guy with the first date.  Emily says Ryan is good looking.  All I can see is the ginormous neck.  For the ladies out there: is he actually good looking?  Can someone be good looking with a ginormous neck?

9:12: You could tell that Ryan was not too impressed with the staydate.

9:13: This season is completely different from any other season I've ever watched of The Bachelor/ette, mostly because it's based in reality.

9:15: Did anyone else become excited at the thought of going to Chuck E. Cheese?  Anyone?  Oh, it's just me.

9:23: What happens if Ryan doesn't know how to drive stick?  How do they get to the restaurant?  I'm asking because I don't know how to drive stick, mostly because I've always needed to drive automatic so I can change Mariah Carey CDs in the car eat Arby's in the car.

9:27: So did the crowd show up because of the free concert, or because of Emily?

9:28: No kiss yet.  Last season, Ben would have had his tongue halfway down a girl's throat by now.

9:33: There's a completely different feel to this season.  Usually, the show operates in isolation from reality - no outside people are involved.  That way, the show can pretend like it's not really a reality show.  This season, we kick off this season with a bunch of kids, followed by an outdoor concert where the public really came to see Emily, not the concert.  They're not pretending that Emily isn't a local celebrity, if that makes sense.

9:33: Yes, John "Wolf".  The Ricki Hendrick Foundation, named after her deceased fiancé, is an important charity to Emily.  Thanks for providing that brilliant insight.

9:40: Stevie definitely left Kalon hanging on the pre-show group high five - rewind it if you have the show on DVR.  Total passive aggressive move.  The Stevie-Kalon feud continues.

9:42: Um...the Muppets movie came out in November.  Whoever is in charge of using this as a movie promotion is six months late.

9:45: Chris Harrison cameo!

9:47: Jef with one F seems like a good dude.

9:52: No no no, Charlie.  You don't want Emily to think "I felt like a proud mama" about your effort, Charlie. Then you get categorized as a non-romantic interest and get put into the FriendZone.

9:53: Chris Harrison, you're the best host on TV, and as a result, I highly recommend that you do not quit you day job.

9:57: Sean says, "I'm actually really relieved to not be on the big group date."  As opposed to everyone else, who wanted to share Emily with ten other dudes?

10:02: Ah, the Stevie-Kalon feud is definitely not over.

10:06: I like how everyone is squeezing Kalon out by interrupting his conversation as soon as possible.  They've definitely put a bullseye on him.  It's like he did something to make everyone hate him the moment he descended from his helicopter.

10:10: Is that Emily's car, or is that the car the show gave her to drive around while she was filming?

10:11: That may be Emily's car, but I'm going out on a limb by saying that that's not Emily's jet.

10:12: If this was Emily's favorite place to go growing up, then she clearly comes from money.

10:15: Doug's favorite phrase is clearly "Check it".

10:16: The drinking game tonight is any mention of "being a parent", "being a mom", or "being a dad".

10:17: Me channelling my inner Doug tomorrow at work: "We have to re-prioritize the things we're doing.  Just think about that project for a while, and check it."


10:20: Emily talks about how there's a "spark missing" with Joe.  Recall my initial thought about Joe from the premiere:

10:03: Joe does not stand a chance.  He and Emily don't fit at all.  This is all based on a 20 second interaction and I could not be more certain of this.  Remember that I said this.

 I stand by my initial analysis.

10:24: Chan 1, Joe's chemistry with Emily 0.

10:25: Emily, what do you mean "He did nothing wrong"?  He had nothing but clichés to say, and then when you asked a follow-up question to see if he was full of crap, he couldn't answer it and flipped it back to you. He did everything wrong!

10:28: Wow, no goodbye hug.  That's cold, Joe, cold.

10:30: Emily is crying over sending someone home on their first date.  Imagine what's going to happen when they get down to the final four and she must send someone home after the hometown dates and meeting someone's parents.  Or when it's down to the final two.  There's going to be an epic uglycry.

10:31: You can't show Emily's mom on camera without interviewing her!  I want to know if she's exactly like  Emily.

10:32: Some bigass "look at me" glasses on Aaron.

10:33: Arie, you didn't get a date with Emily because you're the race car driver guy who is for sure staying this week.

10:40: Tony, if you stay tonight, it will be out of sympathy from Emily.  If it was someone in Tony's place that Emily truly had some feelings for - say, Doug or Arie - there's no way that Emily would just have him wait there awkwardly while she read the novel that Ryan wrote for her.  She would have done an "OK, I'll take this and read it later, but thank you so much for this."  But since Tony falls well below Ryan on the Emily's totem pole, she didn't rescue him from the three five ten fifteen minute awkward lurk that he just had to endure.

10:42: Not a chance in hell, Tony.  Not a chance.

10:44: Have you noticed that every time Kalon speaks, it's just one big humblebrag?

10:46: I have no Louis Vuitton luggage.  In fact, I had to google it to get spelling right.  Who's got two thumbs and is not automatically classified as an a****** according to one guy in the house?  This guy.

10:51: I didn't think it was possible for the entire room to do an eyeroll at the same time, but the guys proved me wrong when Emily chose Kalon.

10:52: I'm calling Tony and Big Glasses Aaron going home tonight.  Mostly because I can't name anyone else besides Big Glasses Aaron as the second guy, but that's irrelevant.

10:53: Tony with the sympathy rose!

10:53: I don't know who John is.  I only know John "Wolf".

10:55: Big Glasses Aaron, going home!  Getting 1/2 from a room of 12 guys is pretty good, I have to say.

10:58: Emily intentionally breaks the egg next week.  If that's not must-see TV, I don't know what is.

11:01: This season has a completely different feel to it.  They're not pretending like it's not a reality show, and they're not pretending like people don't recognize them in public.  That adds a more realistic feel to the show.  Because of that, I'm much more excited about this season.  It just adds a different dimension that they hadn't had before.

Mission Accomplished!

I saw this at work the other day and had to take a picture - the unintentional comedy is off the charts.