Wednesday, January 01, 2014

2014 Bachelor Preview: The Bachelorette Bios

The Bachelor is back!  I couldn't be more excited.  As usual, we can't go into the show completely blind about this season's bachelorettes, so I skimmed their show bios to get a better idea of who these reality show divas in the making ladies are.  It looks like ABC also agrees, as they are launching a two night premiere on Sunday and Monday that will give more background information on the bachelorettes.  Sadly, I am unable to do live blogs this season as a result of obligations to hockey on Monday and Tuesdays, but rest assured that I will be watching the show along with the rest of you.

I'm also changing up the format of the preview this season - instead of monotonously going through the bachelorettes alphabetically, I've grouped them together based on their bios.  Let's get to it!

(Side note: I have read/listened to Grantland's Right Reasons Podcast and Reality TV Fantasy League that both similarly preview The Bachelor.  Both are entertaining and recommended for Bachelor fans.  I will do my best to avoid the same points in this preview, but there are some that I just cannot avoid.  You will see what I mean.)

Possible Drama Queens/Poop Disturbers

These bachelorettes are the lifeblood of the show.  Without them, the show would be utterly unwatchable.  Tierra from Sean's season, Courtney from Ben's season, and Vienna from Jake's season are classic examples.  Note that two of the women have been the bachelor's final choice, which just goes to show that standing out in any way is better than not standing out at all.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
3 best attributes: I'm loyal, I love my family, I'm feisty
Greatest achievement: Becoming an attorney
Favorite Televisions Show: Scandal
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? That's tough - either getting a murderer convicted in 8 minutes or climbing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

My fearless prediction: Andi is going to be known as "the attorney" for the first three episodes.  I have a feeling she's going to be the no-nonsense, no-filter, nobody-likes-her bachelorette this season.  In other words, I look forward to Andi being a part of my life this season.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 25
Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mom and Dad for loving 11 of us kids with 9 of them being mentally handicapped.  They have hearts of gold and so have so much patience.

You cannot be 25 and a nursing home owner unless you won the lottery, your parents are the actual owners of the nursing home, or your parents gave you money to buy a nursing home.  And usually the type of people who decide to (ie. can afford to) have 11 kids are either rich or Mormons.  I'm going with rich.  And rich people generally make for good TV.

Lauren H

Notable lines from bio
What are your 3 worst attributes? I can be too candid with my feelings, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut if I know I'm right, and I have a hard time getting to everything I plan to do -- not because I'm lazy, but because I think I'm Superwoman and commit to too much.

Translation: I have no filter, I like to argue, and people think I'm flaky.  We've struck reality TV gold!


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Free spirit
Who do you admire most in the world and why? I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin, my mother for her patience with me, and Steve Jobs for always believing in himself.
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious? I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining.
If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be and why? Why would I ever want to be anyone but myself?

There's so much to discuss here that I'm going to mostly ignore that she put down "free spirit" as her occupation.  Seriously, who does that?
I like that a) she casually name drops Kate Upton as her best friend, and b) that she admires her thick skin.  If I played word association with 100 people regarding Kate Upton, and each of those people had to give me 100 answers, I'm pretty sure "thick skin" would not appear once.  And not only does she like to name drop her famous friends, but she likes being the center of attention and has a very high opinion of herself.  I feel we will hear more from Lucy in the coming months.


Notable lines from bio
What is your greatest achievement to date? I would have to say that my independence is my greatest achievement.
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? I really want to meet someone I could spend my life with. I know this isn't the most traditional way of doing this, but I think that the kind of love I am searching for isn't something that's easy to find, so I am open to all options.

I like someone who is willing to call out the inherent absurdity of the The Bachelor's premise.  Victoria seems to have a more level-headed approach to the show, which might clash with the bachelorettes who have their heads in the clouds.

Not here for the right reasons

Every season, there are bachelorettes that come on the show for fame instead of love, which will inevitably lead to a discussion about which women are there for the "right reasons". 

Amy L

Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Local News Reporter
Favorite Author: Dr. Seuss 
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious? Depends on the situation. I've always held jobs that require me to be up front. Once in a while it's nice to sit back.

Let me get this straight.  Amy L's profession is local news reporter - which is something you must choose to do since you don't just accidentally become an on-air personality - yet she might not like being the center of attention?  Really?  Is she such a good reporter that her obvious talent gave her no choice but to become a reporter?  OMMYGOD, THE NEXT BARBARA WALTERS IS ON THE BACHELOR THIS SEASON.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 21
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Height: 5'10"

Let's not kid ourselves.  A 5'10" former NBA dancer is likely to be very attractive, and Cassandra is definitely that.  However, the Right Reasons podcast also discovered that she is the baby momma of Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons.  If you do the math, she was basically knocked up the first year she was an NBA dancer by one of the players.  And now she's on a reality TV dating show.  I wish I could bet on things like "Cassandra will end up on one of those Real Housewives shows in 15 years".

You might be legitimately crazy

Very few fall under this category and sometimes nobody falls under this category, but when they do, it is epic television.  Nothing this person does surprises you by the time they leave.  Tierra was a rare two category bachelorette last season since she was also clearly crazy.  Tierra was the Bo Jackson of The Bachelorette.


Notable lines from bio
Who do you admire most in the world? I admire the nobodies of the world that lead selfless lives.  The ones you don't hear gloating about their accomplishments.
What is the best trip you have ever been on? I have never taken a vacation. I've always worked my buns off and never made time.  Plus, I was never in a relationship that I could go on a vacation with.
Do you consider yourself a romantic? I've never been one to be romantic.  It's hard for me because I've never experienced romance.  I wish I was.

A lot of cryptic and plain bizarre answers here.  Plenty of crazy potential.

The World of Sunshine, Rainbows, and Lollipops

These bachelorettes live in a world where everything is great, optimism abounds, and they likely own a copy of The Secret.  Think Catherine from Sean's season.


Notable lines from bio
Which city is most romantic? New York is romantic to me. So many Broadway plays, fine restaurants, the beautiful city skyline, Central Park. It's all lovely.
Favorite Book: Bible
Top 3 things on bucket list: 2. I want to do missionary work. I'd love to be able to travel the world and educate other cultures about the Catholic faith as well as help improve their physical lives. 

This category was created for bachelorettes like Alexis.  While she is rather attractive, there's a little too much religion in her profile for her to be an FMC.  Also, I don't objectify women like that anymore.

Amy J

Notable lines from bio
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? I hope to find love! And if He decides I'm not the girl for him, I hope to gain friendships, peace through time away, a greater understanding of people and love and the beautiful world around me.

Note the capitalization of "He".  At first I thought she meant Juan Pablo, but since it's capitalized, she is clearly referring to God.  Regardless, Amy J is clearly in the same world as Alexis.  Everything is lovely and beautiful.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 27
Longest relationship: 8 years
What is your all-time favorite book? The Secret.  I thought I was positive before but this book taught me I can't have whatever it is I want in life.

I swear that I wrote the intros to each section before I read Elise's bio.  Pure coincidence that she actually cited The Secret.  For that alone, she falls in this category.
There is some sleeper crazy potential here.  If you do the math, she's rebounding off of a long term relationship with either a high school or college sweetheart.  That exponentially increases the odds of crazy on a show like The Bachelor.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Dog Lover.
What is your favorite book? Eat, Pray, Love. inspiring.

I'm sorry, I think you confused the "Occupation" section with "Favorite Animal".

Time to check my e-mails and Twitter

Let's face it - not all the women on this show will be entertaining.


Notable lines from bio
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring and why? A piano -- I LOVE to play, would keep me occupied forever.

I want to know what happens when sand or rain gets into the piano the very first day on the desert island.  Will she LOVE to play when the piano is out of tune and warped?


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Favorite Author: Dr. Seuss
Favorite Sports: Football, baseball, basketball
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring and why? My soulmate, a machine that turns salt water into drinking water, and an unlimited amount of flint. All I would love, water, and the ability to make fire to cook.

To three different questions, Ashley gave non-answers.
1) Dr Seuss cannot be your favorite author, and I don't care if you are a teacher and Dr. Seuss is part of your job.
2) When someone asks for your favorite sports, you can't just name the three most favorite sports in the US.  It's like someone asking which political party you support and answering with "Democrats and Republicans".
3) She is literally making up things that do not currently exist for her desert island answer.  First, she has not met her soulmate since she is on The Bachelor.  Second, a contraption that turns salt water into drinking water is possible...if you have $4.1 billion handy.  Lastly, asking for an unlimited amount of anything defeats the entire purpose of this question, which is to ask for a limited number (ie. 3) of items to bring.
Fun game to play: Ashley is of ____ ethnicity/ethnicities.


Notable lines from bio
Top 3 All-Time Movies: John Q, The Notebook, Home Alone 2

There is nothing interesting or notable about Chantel or her bio except that she is one of the token minorities that ABC has put on the show, and thus has a shot to stick around until the third week.


Notable lines from bio
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly
Time it takes to get ready for a big date: As much time as I am given plus a few extra minutes

Christine expects a guy to be patient enough to play a full game of Monopoly with her and also put up with her dressing up antics.  Good luck with that.


Notable lines from bio
Who is your favorite artist and why? I love Andy Warhol - very modern approach - not necessarily having a favorite artist but enjoy drifferent styles from graffiti to abstract.

I'm pretty sure that Juan Pablo will not have a strong opinion on the modern approach to art.


Notable lines from bio
Height: 5' 8.5"

Just say you're 5' 8" or lie and say you're 5' 9".  Literally nobody else cares about that extra half inch other than you.


Notable lines from bio
City or country person? American by birth, Southern by the grace of God!  Country all the way.
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done? Flying out here by myself! I'd never flown!

Maggie will be briefly entertaining as a fish-out-of-water comedic sideshow for an episode or two.  No way Juan Pablo is going to end up with someone so 'country'.


Notable lines from bio
Hometown: Martha's Vineyard

I wonder what it's like to live in Martha's Vineyard year round.


Notable lines from bio
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?  Probably Tough Mudder, with the freezing water you have to plunge into and the electric shock field you have to run through.

Valerie seems entirely too normal and plain to make any sort of impact on the show unless there's a date that involves electric shock fields.

Possible Future Mrs. Chans

The FMC is a staple of every Bachelor season.  Every year, a bachelorette catches my eye and is given the distinguished title of FMC for the season.  Previous FMCs include Lesley from Sean's season, Casey from Ben's season (you may recall her limo ugly-cry that season), Ashley S from Brad's second season, and the original FMC, Tenley from Jake's season.  And no, I most certainly do not have a "type", I don't know what you're talking about, and let's just move on.


Notable lines from bio
Time it takes to get ready for a big night: 1 hr and 20 min
What are your three best attributes? Loyal, Street Smart, Always thinking of others before myself 
Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? I would like the man to pursue me - I feel more secure in the relationship if he is chasing me.

The hour and 20 minute preparation time are a warning sign, but it's a very exact number, so at least she's precise and knows exactly what she needs.  Otherwise a definite FMC candidate this season.


Notable lines from bio
Age: 29
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Favorite Sports Team: University of Iowa Football Team
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I backpacked through the east coast of Australia for 4 weeks - by myself!
Who is your favorite author? Malcolm Gladwell - his books are great reads and very insightful.

A sleeper FMC candidate for this season.  I like that she seems kinda spunky, has very specific tastes in sports teams, will do something on her own, and reads an author that makes her think.

A shot at love and an Us Weekly breakup cover story

The bachelorettes that look like they have a chance at winning, yet do not fall into any of the categories above.


Notable lines from bio
What do you like to do for fun in your hometown and why?  Hiking, bonfires, outdoor activities. I live in a very small town in the middle of the woods. It's just how I grew up so when I go back I do those things. Always with family :)
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?  Oh yes. Love is a top priority for me. Always has been and always will be. And I can't understand when people don't feel the same haha.

Given that she ended written answers with a smiley face and "haha", I'm assuming she's going to be the fun girl that laughs a lot on the show.


Notable lines from bio
Preferred type of dancing: Is drunk dancing a type?
Do you consider yourself neat, messy, or in between? I'd say I'm pretty messy. NOT dirty though -- there's a difference. Messy people leave clothes on their bedroom floor... dirty people leave pizza boxes.
What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done? Probably this.

I think Nikki could go far this season due to her refreshing honesty.


Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

A Canadian opera singer?  That's interesting.  I don't think I have a choice but to cheer for her, right?

And lastly...Lauren S

Notable lines from bio
Occupation: Music composer
What's the most romantic present you've ever received and why? This is going to sound weird but my ex got me a vegetable chopper and a really awesome knife because he knew how much i loved to cook veggies/stir-fry. It was just so thoughtful and right on -- so I find it very romantic.
What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Anything fun/athletic. I love games or any opportunity to be goofy and have fun.
What is your greatest achievement to date? My piano music. I'm working on a 5th and 6th piano album. Also, I started my own business, which is still up and running successfully.
What is your most embarrassing moment? I farted in front of my 4th grade class in the middle of show and tell -- and I blamed it on another kid! Still feel terrible about it to this day.

Lauren S is amazing.  Even though she is not a traditional FMC, she could work her way in if she lives up to her bio.  I am on Team Lauren S.  Juan Pablo should just skip the formality of this show and give her the final rose when he meets her the first night.

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