Monday, March 10, 2014

The Bachelor 2014 Season Finale Live Running Diary

You didn't seriously think I would go a whole season without a live running diary of The Bachelor, did you?  Especially during the season when seemingly all the bachelorettes have turned on the bachelor, ironically leaving Andi and Sharleen to defend Juan Pablo during The Women Tell All.  This season has been an unpredictable gong show of a season that has been a borderline train wreck to watch.  I mean, this happened:

In other words, I've enjoyed it immensely besides the fact that they sent the FMC home a few episodes in and she didn't even speak on The Women Tell All.  It boggles my mind that the most attractive bachelorette did not get any airtime at any point during the season.  It's like they think the target audience for the show isn't straight single guys or something.  In any case, Christy, call me!

12:01 AM: Only 20 hours to go, and with my new PVR in hand, I might even try uploading screenshots during commercial breaks.

12:20 AM: For the record, I don't think anything would truly shock me in the finale.  He could pull a Womack and I wouldn't be surprised.  He could propose to Clare, get turned down, and then propose to Nikki like it was his plan all along, and I'm not sure if I would be that surprised.  It's been that sort of season.

4:50 PM: To get ready for tonight, you need to watch this video.  Lucy is my favorite free spirit.  Also, did you notice that she mentioned how good looking Christy is?

5:10 PM: Chris Harrison, Hype Machine.

5:12 PM: In case you didn't notice in the video, Lucy is naked.  Hands up if you didn't notice that at first glance, because I sure didn't.  When you sing a song naked and nobody notices that you're naked, that's when you know you did a good job.

7:39 PM: I just asked Juan Pablo whether he was excited about the finale.  His response?  "Eees OK."

7:41 PM: How many knowing head nods during sit down interviews will Chris Harrison give out tonight?  I'm guessing at least 10.

7:47 PM: Tonight's drinking game: Drink every time someone says "Camilla" or refers to Juan Pablo's daughter.  Also, have someone ready to take you to the hospital.

8:00: Here we go!


8:03: Juan Pablo has a surprise.  Color me intrigued.

8:04: Chris Harrison with a rather intriguing intro.  Definitely haven't seen him say that to kick off a finale in the past 5 years.

8:05: DRINK!

8:06: Juan Pablo enjoys wearing bright colored clothes.  First the neon yellow shirt for his argument/send-off with Clare.  Now red shorts that I'm pretty sure we've seen earlier this season.  ABC, let's get this man some neon green socks!

8:07: DRINK!

8:08: I can see the headline now: "Multiple People Hospitalized By Bachelor Drinking Game".

8:09: There is a lot of picture-in-picture action.  The producers have turned the narrative from being about Juan Pablo to the reaction of the audience.  Interesting choice.  Maybe that's how they're trying to save the season.  "We agree Juan Pablo isn't a good Bachelor, let's show you other people who agree with you."

8:10: Never a good sign that a live studio audience is laughing at you during a serious conversation.

8:12: You cannot 1000% believe in something.  I'm going out on a limb by saying Clare was not a math major.

8:13: #beggingforit

8:19: Someone's going to have explain all this love for Nikki to me.  I don't get it.

8:22: This also needs explaining.  What is Juan Pablo's dad doing with his shoes?  Why isn't he wearing them?  Does he have stinky feet?  Why didn't he just go barefoot for his chat with Clare?

8:24: "I think she's honest enough to manage a relationship with my son."  Juan Pablo's dad with the most caveat-ed "cover my ass in case Juan Pablo actually chooses her" endorsement of Nikki ever.  I think it's pretty obvious that Juan Pablo's dad is on Team Clare.

8:27: The different approaches to questions by Juan Pablo's family to Nikki and Clare is intriguing.

8:30: Did Chris Harrison just subtly hint at the possibility of a double proposal, or is that just me?!

8:33: Is it just me, or are Chris Harrison and the producers going out of their way to make sure there's a strange vibe with the show?

8:38: Is it weird for One-Armed Sarah to be on the same set as Sean?  I would have loved to watch that awkward conversation.

8:44: Well, that's an ominous intro, Chris Harrison.

8:45: Whatever happens tonight, I think we can all agree that St. Lucia is the real winner.  That place looks amazing.


8:49: But he's just being honest...

8:51: Well, I think it's safe to say that things have taken a weird twist.  How much would you pay to know what he said?  I think I'd give $50.

8:53: OK, that's a lie.  $100.

8:54: Wait, does that mean they did make some magic happen in the ocean?

8:56: Ah, more fantasy suite fallout.  What happens in the fantasy suite most definitely does not stay in the fantasy suite.

8:57: See, I told you he was just being honest...

8:59: $200.

9:00: Wait a second.  Could we end up with both Clare and Nikki choosing to go home as the "most controversial finale"?

9:07: Juan Pablo just pulled a rabbit out of his hat.  I don't even know how he did that.

9:13: The Sharleen look of disapproval is just the best.

9:17: I feel like I'm consistently surprised that Nikki's skinny legs can support her body.

9:25: After The Final Rose is going to be tremendous.

9:30: I'm impressed by Nikki's penwomanship.

9:32: Why is Nikki so sad?  Does she think she's not getting chosen?

9:34: Good cut to studio audience silence by the producers.  As always, the producers know how to set things up for great dramatic effect.

9:39: General Bachelor finale rules: the woman that shows up first gets sent home so the second woman gets optimal sunset lighting.

9:40: Where is the sit down interview with Chris Harrison?!  Where's the forced conversation with Neil Lane?  It can't be a good sign that neither of those things have happened.

9:42: Why did they wait so long to pan up to Clare getting off the boat?  We already knew it was her because they showed the color of her dress when she was getting ready.

9:44: Totally forgot that Clare was the fake pregnant woman from the first night.

9:45: OH, SHE KNOWS.

9:47: Oh, she is not done.

9:51: Clare, thanks for saving me $200.

9:53: I re-watched it 3 times.  Clare definitely says "Don't tell me you love f***ing me."  I wonder how Nikki feels about that...

10:03: Oh, so now the studio audience is on Team Clare.

10:07: Don't think it's a coincidence that Clare is wearing black tonight.

10:12: You go, girl.  You go.

10:13: What a total gong show.

10:15: A whole lot of people sitting on their hands when Juan Pablo came out.

10:20: Juan Pablo, I don't even...

10:27: Does Vegas accept bets on failed relationships?

10:32: What, there's no surprise?  This is very disappointing.

10:34: Sean is not impressed.

10:35: Sean is getting fireworks tonight after his little speech.  Whether or not they're quick is another matter...

10:37: Nikki looks awkward.

10:38: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nikki.  This was a fairytale?!?!

10:40: I've never seen Chris Harrison leave his seat during After The Final Rose.  He must be going backstage to ask the producers, "What the hell do we do now?  There's no freakin' surprise from Juan Pablo!  We're missing an entire segment!"

10:43: Apparently Chris Harrison is going to fill in the empty segment with his stand-up routine.

10:45: Sean 1, Juan Pablo's Delusion 0.

10:48: #goodonya

10:49: It's safe to say that Nikki could not wait for the interview to end.

10:50: #ChrisHarrisonExasperated

10:55: I enjoy Mocking Chris Harrison.

10:56: That's a very sparkly dress.

10:57: I still kinda wish that Sharleen was The Bachelorette.

11:09: Fittingly, Chris Harrison will have the final say on Juan Pablo.  The Bachelor was so crazy this season that Chris Harrison couldn't do anything but slap the table in laughter at the absurdity of the whole thing when it came to a merciful end.
11:12: See you all in May!

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