Monday, May 21, 2012

The Bachelorette: Episode #2

I've had to stay late at work over the past couple of months since there's been a bunch of work I had to do (though not busy enough to stop taking silly pictures like this and this at work).  I usually don't mind working late, but apparently I'm not very subtle when it comes to not wanting to stay late.  Here's a conversation from last Tuesday:

My boss as he was leaving for the day: So did you watch last night?  (referring to The Bachelorette, which his wife watches)
Me: Yes, of course.
My boss: I couldn't help but notice that you were in a hurry to leave last night...
Me: Yeah.  I usually don't mind staying late, but there are some things that take priority over everything else.

I swear this conversation absolutely happened.

4:57: Remember when I said that nobody likes The Bachelorette more than The Bachelor?  I couldn't really explain why this is the case.  It just is.  Fortunately, the Internet is all-knowing and encapsulated what I was trying to say in one neat paragraph.  As a side bonus: the phrase "testicle spectacle" is involved.

7:47: 13 minutes away!

7:49: By the way, how far are we from seeing Courtney The Model's face plastered across Us Weekly as she talks about her "heartbreaking" breakup with Ben?  Three months?  Three weeks?

7:57: I just discovered that the show doesn't start until 9 PM.  Not impressed.

8:10: Any chance I had of ever watching Dancing With The Stars will have disappeared by the time this waste of an hour is over.

8:33:  Words cannot fully capture how I feel right now.  A picture, however...

8:59: Things I've learned over the past hour.  There is an incredibly attractive contestant on Dancing With The Stars named Katherine Jenkins.  She'd be the prototypical FMC if, you know, she wasn't the reason that I wasn't spending quality time with Emily and Chris Harrison right now. #stillangry

9:00: DWTS overrun.  Still angry.

9:01: Wait, did I hear Kelly Clarkson will be on the next DWTS?  Maybe I could be talked into giving this show a chance...

9:03: Is it just me, or is it weird not being in the Bachelor mansion?

9:05: Things I did not know before tonight - Charlotte's nickname is "Queen City".

9:09: Ryan The Guy With the Ginormous Neck, aka Ryan The Guy Who Overused Quotations In His ABC Bio, is the guy with the first date.  Emily says Ryan is good looking.  All I can see is the ginormous neck.  For the ladies out there: is he actually good looking?  Can someone be good looking with a ginormous neck?

9:12: You could tell that Ryan was not too impressed with the staydate.

9:13: This season is completely different from any other season I've ever watched of The Bachelor/ette, mostly because it's based in reality.

9:15: Did anyone else become excited at the thought of going to Chuck E. Cheese?  Anyone?  Oh, it's just me.

9:23: What happens if Ryan doesn't know how to drive stick?  How do they get to the restaurant?  I'm asking because I don't know how to drive stick, mostly because I've always needed to drive automatic so I can change Mariah Carey CDs in the car eat Arby's in the car.

9:27: So did the crowd show up because of the free concert, or because of Emily?

9:28: No kiss yet.  Last season, Ben would have had his tongue halfway down a girl's throat by now.

9:33: There's a completely different feel to this season.  Usually, the show operates in isolation from reality - no outside people are involved.  That way, the show can pretend like it's not really a reality show.  This season, we kick off this season with a bunch of kids, followed by an outdoor concert where the public really came to see Emily, not the concert.  They're not pretending that Emily isn't a local celebrity, if that makes sense.

9:33: Yes, John "Wolf".  The Ricki Hendrick Foundation, named after her deceased fiancé, is an important charity to Emily.  Thanks for providing that brilliant insight.

9:40: Stevie definitely left Kalon hanging on the pre-show group high five - rewind it if you have the show on DVR.  Total passive aggressive move.  The Stevie-Kalon feud continues.

9:42: Um...the Muppets movie came out in November.  Whoever is in charge of using this as a movie promotion is six months late.

9:45: Chris Harrison cameo!

9:47: Jef with one F seems like a good dude.

9:52: No no no, Charlie.  You don't want Emily to think "I felt like a proud mama" about your effort, Charlie. Then you get categorized as a non-romantic interest and get put into the FriendZone.

9:53: Chris Harrison, you're the best host on TV, and as a result, I highly recommend that you do not quit you day job.

9:57: Sean says, "I'm actually really relieved to not be on the big group date."  As opposed to everyone else, who wanted to share Emily with ten other dudes?

10:02: Ah, the Stevie-Kalon feud is definitely not over.

10:06: I like how everyone is squeezing Kalon out by interrupting his conversation as soon as possible.  They've definitely put a bullseye on him.  It's like he did something to make everyone hate him the moment he descended from his helicopter.

10:10: Is that Emily's car, or is that the car the show gave her to drive around while she was filming?

10:11: That may be Emily's car, but I'm going out on a limb by saying that that's not Emily's jet.

10:12: If this was Emily's favorite place to go growing up, then she clearly comes from money.

10:15: Doug's favorite phrase is clearly "Check it".

10:16: The drinking game tonight is any mention of "being a parent", "being a mom", or "being a dad".

10:17: Me channelling my inner Doug tomorrow at work: "We have to re-prioritize the things we're doing.  Just think about that project for a while, and check it."

10:20: Emily talks about how there's a "spark missing" with Joe.  Recall my initial thought about Joe from the premiere:
10:03: Joe does not stand a chance.  He and Emily don't fit at all.  This is all based on a 20 second interaction and I could not be more certain of this.  Remember that I said this.
 I stand by my initial analysis.

10:24: Chan 1, Joe's chemistry with Emily 0.

10:25: Emily, what do you mean "He did nothing wrong"?  He had nothing but clichés to say, and then when you asked a follow-up question to see if he was full of crap, he couldn't answer it and flipped it back to you. He did everything wrong!

10:28: Wow, no goodbye hug.  That's cold, Joe, cold.

10:30: Emily is crying over sending someone home on their first date.  Imagine what's going to happen when they get down to the final four and she must send someone home after the hometown dates and meeting someone's parents.  Or when it's down to the final two.  There's going to be an epic uglycry.

10:31: You can't show Emily's mom on camera without interviewing her!  I want to know if she's exactly like  Emily.

10:32: Some bigass "look at me" glasses on Aaron.

10:33: Arie, you didn't get a date with Emily because you're the race car driver guy who is for sure staying this week.

10:40: Tony, if you stay tonight, it will be out of sympathy from Emily.  If it was someone in Tony's place that Emily truly had some feelings for - say, Doug or Arie - there's no way that Emily would just have him wait there awkwardly while she read the novel that Ryan wrote for her.  She would have done an "OK, I'll take this and read it later, but thank you so much for this."  But since Tony falls well below Ryan on the Emily's totem pole, she didn't rescue him from the three five ten fifteen minute awkward lurk that he just had to endure.

10:42: Not a chance in hell, Tony.  Not a chance.

10:44: Have you noticed that every time Kalon speaks, it's just one big humblebrag?

10:46: I have no Louis Vuitton luggage.  In fact, I had to google it to get spelling right.  Who's got two thumbs and is not automatically classified as an a****** according to one guy in the house?  This guy.

10:51: I didn't think it was possible for the entire room to do an eyeroll at the same time, but the guys proved me wrong when Emily chose Kalon.

10:52: I'm calling Tony and Big Glasses Aaron going home tonight.  Mostly because I can't name anyone else besides Big Glasses Aaron as the second guy, but that's irrelevant.

10:53: Tony with the sympathy rose!

10:53: I don't know who John is.  I only know John "Wolf".

10:55: Big Glasses Aaron, going home!  Getting 1/2 from a room of 12 guys is pretty good, I have to say.

10:58: Emily intentionally breaks the egg next week.  If that's not must-see TV, I don't know what is.

11:01: This season has a completely different feel to it.  They're not pretending like it's not a reality show, and they're not pretending like people don't recognize them in public.  That adds a more realistic feel to the show.  Because of that, I'm much more excited about this season.  It just adds a different dimension that they hadn't had before.

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