Monday, May 14, 2012

Bachelorette: Season Premiere

Who's excited for a new season of the redheaded stepchild of The Bachelor that is The Bachelorette?  Let's be honest: nobody - neither guys nor girls - enjoy The Bachelorette as much as The Bachelor.  We could psychoanalyze society for why that is, but we're not hear to do that.  No no, we're hear to judge the incoming crop of bachelors tonight.

Now normally, I would have already provided a breakdown of each bachelor profile from the official ABC website.  However, they seem to have mistakenly uploaded half of the previous season's bios.  And while I am extremely happy to reminded of the unending awesome awkwardness that was Ames, heads need to roll for this screw up.

And while I discovered through the magic of Google the bios of the guys from this season today, it was too late, as I was stuck at work late.  Blame ABC for the lack of blog post previewing each guy's bio.

9:08: By the way, what's with the weird 9:30 start time and only one and a half hours of show tonight?  I'm upset.

9:19: I'm worried that this season might not be very entertaining.  Emily might be the 21st century version of Mother Teresa, but she could turn out to be an unending non-scandalous bore if some articles are to taken at face value.  However, perhaps the dashingly good looking host (right, G-Unit?) Chris Harrison has just filed for divorce from his wife of 18 years so maybe we'll see a newer, more edgy side of him to add some flavor to Emily's blandness.

9:29: Here's how the show is going to start: A three minute intro with soft music, then as they talk about Emily's breakup with Brad, it'll turn to sad music, which will be followed by uplifting (perhaps country?) music as Emily talks about her hope to find love again.  I've watched enough of The Bachelor/ette to know how those brilliant sound editors work.

9:31: Eff Dancing With the Stars.  I want The Bachelorette to begin.

9:32: Drinking game for tonight: any mention of "Ricki" or "my daughter".

9:33: "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."  Emily, you're Emily.  You're too nice to have enemies.  Nobody could ever hate you.

9:35: Hopeful music after talking about the breakup with Brad!  See, I told you!

9:37: FYI - I'm blogging through injury right now.  I hurt my thumb a week ago playing ball hockey, and it still doesn't feel 100%.  These are the sacrifices I make.

9:38: I love that someone is stupid enough to fly in a freakin' helicopter.  It's one thing to ride in on a horse a la Lindzi because at least that's kind of cute and endearing.  Coming in on a helicopter just screams ego and "ooooh, look at me and my fancy chopper because I always want to be the centre of attention".  It's as if he wants all the other guys to hate him before they even meet him.

9:40: Every time Chris Harrison kicks off a season, "Hi, I'm Chris Harrison", my immediate reaction is always "You don't need to tell us your name.  We know who you are."

9:44: "What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily?"  The guy who just referred to himself as an object?

9:45: Token black guy!  I'm sure that an interracial marriage will go over well in North Carolina.

9:48: Oh, c'mon.  This Arie guy is a race car driver?  That's a little too convenient.  I wonder if Emily is going to do a little something I like to call "projecting".

9:52: I think we need a sit-down interview, Chris Harrison.  We want to see you do what you do best - half psychologist, half head-nodder extraordinaire.

9:54: Nobody will ever be able to convince me that Chris Harrison doesn't look in the mirror and practice his understanding nod.

10:00: Sean doesn't walk.  He saunters.  For those with DVRs, just rewind and watch the first guy come in again.

10:02: Jackson the Fitness Model.  Wow.  He could be a piece of work.

10:03: Joe does not stand a chance.  He and Emily don't fit at all.  This is all based on a 20 second interaction and I could not be more certain of this.  Remember that I said this.

10:06: "I'm Jef."  What he should have said is, "My name is Jef with one 'F'."

10:07: Is Stevie really happening right now?

10:09: I wonder what my opening line would be if I were on the show.  "Hi, nice to meet you.  I'm Simon, I'm a big baseball fan, I work for a bank, and I can't really explain what I do there."

10:12: Did Randy's grandma just happen?  That's just awful.

10:13 Nate the accountant looks like an accountant.  Emily just said, "So cute" when he was walking away.  She never said that for anyone else.  I'm just sayin'.  First impressions go a long way on this show.

10:17: Ryan has a ginormous neck.

10:18: I love that Kalon, the guy who claimed in his pre-interview that he was trying to tone himself down and be less flashy, is also the guy who showed up in a helicopter.

10:23: Chris Harrison's hair is a little bit shorter than he usually has it.  I'm just sayin'.

10:25: If you missed it, someone just began a toast with "To the hottest mom in the world".

10:26: Did anyone else notice the awesome violin solo playing in the background when Chris the bobblehead guy was doing the bobblehead conversation with Emily?  Best sound editors ever.

10:29: Doug has somehow played the "single dad" card with Emily three times in one night.  And yet the way he did it was totally sincere.

10:31: Did it really just say John "Wolf" as one of the guy's names?  I look forward to hearing that explanation.

10:44: The egg dude brought the egg to the rose ceremony.  Awesome.

10:45: As I said 42 minutes ago, I predict you will not hear the name "Joe" uttered at the rose ceremony tonight.

10:47: Nate the "so cute" accountant, received a rose.  Not a shocker there.

10:48: Joe got a rose?  Unbelievable.

10:49: There's an Alejandro and an Alessandro?!?!

10:50: Where would we be without Chris Harrison to tell us that it's the final rose?

10:51: Egg dude for the win!

10:51: You could totally read the thought of "It's because I'm black" on the black guy's face when he realized he wasn't getting a rose.  That's right.  I said it.

10:52: I thought Brent was joking about having six kids...apparently not.

10:53: The guys didn't seem to enthused about Emily's "Here's to finding love in Charlotte!" toast because they were probably expecting a two month vacation around the world.

10:57: Of course Emily would have Dolly Parton on her season.  Of course.

10:59: I look forward to seeing feisty, swearing Emily this season.

11:01: I loved that Jackson the Fitness Model went out of his way to show off his body, even if it had to be during the exit interview.

11:02: A decent start to the season.  I really hope we seem some more depth to Emily.  I don't want to hear about Ricki and Emily being a single mom all season long.  That would get boring real quick.

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