Bachelor Episode #9: Live Running Diary

I'm in a few fantasy baseball leagues - and my obsessive nature competitive streak means I spend the months of February and March preparing for them - and we had to find a draft date that worked for everyone.  In one of my leagues, it was suggested that we draft on Monday, March 26th.  At first, I panicked because my initial reaction to anything happening on Monday night is, "I can't because it's Bachelor night".  Then I was happy because there's only three episodes left this season (overnights this week, After the Final Rose next week, then the finale a week later).  And then I was sad because there's only three episodes left this season.

7:09: In case you missed it, I needed a break from my fantasy baseball rankings last night and did a running blog of the Oscars last night.  If my review was a little more snarky and bitter than usual, it's because watching pretentious people congratulate themselves for three hours with isn't the most enjoyable thing in the world.  I'm happy that I'm back where I belong - watching the melodramatic insanity that is The Bachelor.

7:48: I'm intrigued to see how Ben's family will react to Courtney The Model (CTM).  Possible responses include "This is a joke, right?", "Why does she keep on doing that twitching thing with her lips?", and "Please tell me she's not already carrying your unborn child".

7:56: In case you missed it, CTM's fake wedding vows were stolen from Sex and the City.  CTM had me totally fooled.  Never again, crazy one.  Never again.

8:00: Here we go!

8:02: There's not a chance in hell that Ben is only packing one small suitcase to spend a week in Switzerland.

8:03: Just once, I want to see an actual casual clip of Ben - not this fake casual clip of him looking out of the plane window.  Where's the clip of him passed out on the plane with drooling down his chin?

8:06: How the hell is CTM "nerdy" in any way?

8:07: Where did Ben's red suitcase come from?  We didn't see him check in with that bag!  This show is fake!  I demand a refund.

8:08: In case you forgot, here's my prediction from Episode #4: "CTM makes it to the overnight date so Ben gets to boink her, but she doesn't get chosen because that's all Ben ultimately wants from her."  Somewhere in Edmonton, Mysteries is hoping this is true since she's had enough of Wartney.

8:14: It looks cold in Switzerland.

8:15: I swear that The Bachelor got some kind of bulk discount for their helicopter use this season.

8:15: I want to go to Switzerland.

8:16: Ben just used "wild ride" and "taken to new heights" to describe his relationship with Nicki.  Nobody will ever convince me that a producer didn't write those lines for him.

8:18: Nicki's mic pack on her back makes it look like she's a hunchback from the camera shot from behind.

8:19: I'm afraid of heights.  Standing on top of that peak would definitely freak me out.

8:20: Ben tells us he "hopes Nicki accepts the overnight date because..." and I swear I half-expected him to finish the sentence with "...I want to finally see those puppies in all their glory."

8:23: Switzerland is trending on Twitter in the U.S.

8:25: Did Nicki and Ben just exchange the awkward boy/girl high five?  That doesn't bode well for Nicki.

8:26: I just realized that the meet the family day occurs on the finale, in which case we might not actually see CTM meet Ben's family.  I'm half-excited, half-disappointed about that prospect.

8:27: Black nail polish.  Living on the edge, Nicki.

8:29: The drinking game thus far tonight is Ben's father.

8:30: Hot tub!  Nicki in a hot tub!  Nicki in a bra in a hot tub!  These are all things that deserve exclamation marks!

8:34: Surprisingly, #hottubheaven is not trending on Twitter right now.

8:36: Ben asked Lindzi where her jacket was.  I was hoping she'd respond with, "I don't need one because I'm hot for you."  She did not.  I was disappointed.

8:39: That's a lot of "Ohmygod!"s from Lindzi.  Somewhere, Kacie B's dad is not happy about this.

8:41: Ben's putting on a hot tub clinic tonight.

8:48:What's with Lindzi's hair?  Why is it all over the place?

8:51: For Ben, Lindzi > Nicki.  Clearly.

8:53: Wait, was Ben wearing that bow tie the entire date?

8:54: The girl from the Harvey's commercial looks like Maria Sharapova.  I never see girls like her at Harvey's.

8:58: I don't know if you can tell, but it's pretty obvious to me who was there to talk to Ben in those preview clips for later on this episode.

9:00: I want to reiterate that Switzerland is now officially one of my desired vacation destinations.  This was not the case at 7:59 PM.

9:02: "Hey cow" sounds like a really frustrating game.

9:04: Uh oh.  CTM is sucking me back in with her tears.  I promised not to let her fool me again, but there's no way she's that good of an actress, right?

9:05: Let's put it another way - she's either being genuine, or she's using this show as an open audition for all of Hollywood to see.

9:06: Wait a minute.  That makes total sense.  She's using her interview tears as an open audition for all of Hollywood to see!

9:13: Courtney read the card like a presenter/host.  She used the fantasy suite card as part of her Hollywood audition!

9:14: Courtney says, "We're going to have so much fun tonight."  Translation: they're going to boink like bunnies.

9:15: The hot tub industry is thanking the producers for tonight.

9:17: Emily's season of The Bachelorette is going to get amazing ratings.  There's no way that every single female watcher of The Bachelor won't watch and cheer her on.  Emily is what every woman wishes to see herselves at.  Of course, not many are actually like her, but that's a different issue...

9:20: Promotional consideration provided by Titanic: 3D.

9:25: I'd recognize that southern drawl anywhere.

9:27: Poor Kacie.  So sweet, so innocent, yet so clueless.

9:28: Translation - "Your family freaked me out."

9:30: Tremendous use of the simple piano music during this moment.  The sound guys on this show never disappoint.

9:33: Oh Kacie...

9:34: Kacie, what do you mean you don't know if you'll ever see Ben again?  Do you not realize that that's the entire point of After the Final Rose?

9:38: There's a 100% chance that I'm going to mention Switzerland at work as much as possible tomorrow and see how many people pick up on it so that I can start a conversation about The Bachelor.

9:39: Chris Harrison time.  He'll get to the heart of the matter.

9:40: I wish Chris Harrison could talk to me about my life.  I'm sure that our conversation would lead to insights that I hadn't thought of before.

9:41: Chris Harrison is putting on a knowing head nod clinic right now.

9:43: I think that we now know why Ben's Twitter page bio has that last line.

9:44: The ice cream I used to eat while watching The Bachelor/ette/Pad was Chapman's.  They just ran an ad for Chapman's.  I now want Chapman's ice cream.  Well played, Chapman's, well played.

9:46: I like how Chris Harrison is doing the one-by-one individual escort of the ladies to the rose ceremony.

9:47: Is Lindzi wearing less makeup than we've regularly seen, or is that just me?  And by less, I mean a somewhat normal amount for any other person.

9:51: Nicki was such an underdog and I knew she wouldn't win, but I still couldn't help but be on Team Nicki.

9:53: Slowest.  Limo.  Exit.  Ever.

9:57: If I don't get some quality Casey time next week, I'm going to be all kinds of upset.  I need me some FMC!  And also FMC v2.0 (Jamie) and FMC v3.0 (Nicki)...

10:00: I'm both disappointed that CTM made it to the end, but also intrigued as to how his family will react to meeting her.  But After the Final Rose should be awesome with all sorts of awesome loose storylines to tie up, what with Kacie and her dramatic exit and surprise return, Nicki, Casey and her meltdown, Shawntel and the women's vitriolic reaction to her, Blakely and her scrapbook, Samantha's sudden departure, Jenna (remember crazy insecure Jenna?), and possibly even CTM if she makes an appearance.  It should be awesome.

10:01: Isn't Hans a German name?

Oscars 2012: Live Running Diary

Live from the Chantastic couch, it's time for the Oscars.  I decided I needed a break from staring at my fantasy baseball projections all weekend, so what better way than to provide snarky commentary while watching the Oscars.  So finally, a live running blog that will appeal to more than just people with a love of trashy reality TV.

8:17: If you've never read one of these before, I update this blog post in real time with my thoughts as I watch them happen on TV.  It's like watching the Oscars with me, only without me flipping channels during the commercial break.

8:20: I should note that I haven't watched any movies in the last year (that's right, not even Moneyball), so I have nothing of value to add in terms of what movies are actually good.  All I know is that I have no desire to watch either Hugo or The Artist from what I've seen of the trailers.

8:21: Late breaking news - Halle Berry is cancelling her Oscar appearance!  Somewhere, people care.

8:24: Watching the pre-Oscars show, I just confused Chris Rock and his afro for D.L. Hughley.  I'm not joking.

8:30: Here we go!

8:31: Morgan Freeman?  He's not the host.  What's going on?

8:32: This is like a better montage version of what they do before the MTV Movie Awards start.  What the hell is going on?

8:35: I don't know what the hell just happened with that montage intro.  It started off good, ended horrendously.  That's what happens when old people try to appeal to the younger demographic.

8:37: Let me get this straight.  They have a nine-time host do a weird movie clip montage intro to try to appeal to a younger audience - there's no other reason for including Justin Bieber to kick things off - and then the first reference in Billy Crystal's monologue is to Field of Dreams, a movie from 1989.  Mixed messages much?  Pick a damn strategy and stick with it.

8:41: Why does Forrest Gump have a white beard?

8:43: Did anyone watch The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo?

8:44: Gandolph from Lord of the Rings just won best cinematography!  Can't believe they have that technology down in Middle Earth.

8:45: Is this going to be a three hour circle jerk for Martin Scorsese?  I cannot overstate how much I do not want to watch that.

8:47: I do, however, want to see Meryl Streep win, if only because I know she'll at least be able to give a good acceptance speech.

8:49: Is it weird that I kinda want to watch Ashley Judd's new show just because I like watching Angry Ashley Judd?

8:51: Forrest!!!

8:51: Did they really just show a Twilight clip?  Yeah, not trying to target a younger audience at all...

8:56: J-Lo!  Or should I say J-Los?  There's definitely two of them tonight.

8:58: I'm confused as to what J-Lo and Cameron Diaz were doing with their backs turned.  I know they were trying to do something, but I have no idea what.

8:59: See, these interviews are different, interesting, and also appeal to a younger audience.  This is the kind of stuff they should be doing, not that weird, second-rate movie montage intro.

9:01: I cannot overstate how well done that interview segment was.

9:06: What the hell happened to Sandra Bullock's face?

9:07: Sorry, I wasn't sent the memo that said we were supposed to ignore Sandra Bullock's blatant facelift.

9:07: I love that a film from Canada was nominated for best foreign film.  Because, you know, Canada and the U.S. are so different in language and culture.

9:09: I appreciate how it's now acceptable to make fun of Christian Bale's rant to his face like Crystal just did.

9:11: Are we supposed to pretend like Octavia Spencer isn't going to win this, and that everyone already knows it?

9:12: Over/under: 15 seconds into her speech before the tears come.

9:13: It's actually -15 seconds since she started crying 15 seconds before she even started speaking.

9:14: So did Octavia Spencer get a standing ovation because her performance was that good, or because she's black?  That's a serious question.  Has any best supporting actress who was white received a standing ovation?  Better question - if Octavia Spencer was Latino or Asian, would she have received a standing O?

9:17: I'm not trying to be a jackass, but I think it's a question worth asking.

9:22: That audience screening bit would have been a lot better if it was referencing a movie after, oh I don't know, 1950?  Would it have killed them to do it for Titanic or another slightly more modern film?

9:25: There's people who claimed they were surprised to win, and then there's the editing team that just won for The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.  That acceptance speech won't exactly go down in history as one of the best of all time.

9:26: More Scorsese love.  I'd say it should it be a drinking game, but the women from Bridesmaids already made that joke during the Golden Globes last month.

9:35: I was not aware that it was Cirque Du Oscars tonight.

9:37: Seriously, what the hell is going on right now?

9:38: If someone could explain to me how any of this has anything to do with the movies being nominated tonight, that'd be great.

9:39: The standing ovation that the crowd just gave to the Cirque Du Soeil performance cheapens every other legitimate standing ovation that will deserve it, including Octavia Spencer.

9:42: Robert Downey Jr. just killed it.  Absolutely awesome.

9:46: Chris Rock also just killed it.

9:48: Ah, finally, an explanation for the love of Hugo that makes sense to me.

9:52: Emma Stone is very happy to be here.

9:54: Emma Stone tried really really hard to make that bit work, but it wasn't quite right.

9:55: The visual effects guy from Hugo just claimed that he wasn't expecting the award.  What the hell has he been doing the last hour and a half when Hugo won about five awards?  Did he not think that might also happen to him?

9:58: I know I'm not the only one to say this, but Skinny Jonah Hill is weird to look at.

10:01: See, this standing ovation for Christopher Plummer is nice...but 22 minutes ago, the crowd gave a standing ovation for a Cirque Du Soleil performance.  See how that cheapened all subsequent standing ovations?

10:05: So did Christopher Plummer get that standing ovation because of his performance, or because he had to wait until he was 82 before he won his first Oscar?  Am I being cynical or realistic?  You decide.

10:09: Oh, the President of the Academy speaks!  Is he going with the boring speech route, or the funny/deprecation route?

10:11: Billy Crystal's response to the President's speech was amazing.

10:14: I find it difficult to watch Owen Wilson on screen without thinking that this guy who we all thought was a fun-loving dude was actually depressed to the point where he tried to commit suicide.  Are we supposed to act like that never happened?

10:20: When did Angelina Jolie go from crazy to classy?  Has she completed the transition yet?

10:29: I love that Woody Allen didn't show up because he's Woody Allen.

10:33: It's ironic that in these actor interviews on what makes a great movie, they decided it was appropriate to interview the guy who starred in Jack and Jill last year and received 11 Razzie nominations.

10:37: Milla Jovovich is trying very hard to look sultry while giving her monologue on camera.

10:39: So far, the only movie that I want to see more from watching the Oscars tonight is Bridesmaids.

10:41: Again, the only movie that I want to watch as a result of the Oscars tonight is Bridesmaids.

10:43: Seriously, Sandra Bullock's face...

10:46: That's definitely the most aggressively happy acceptance speech I've ever seen.

10:58: The lifetime Oscar recipients are rightfully receiving a standing ovation...except again, so did the guys who did a 3 minute Cirque Du Soleil performance.  The standing ovation doesn't mean jack squat tonight.

11:16: I now want to watch The Descendants.

11:18: It would have been a lot more fun if Pitt or Clooney won, but I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen.

11:24: I have no clue what's going to happen in the Best Actress category.  If the chick from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo wins, though, I'll be shocked.

11:27: Meryl Streep is such a good actress, it's hard to know if she's acting in real life.  Is she really humble during all these accolades, or is she just acting humble while thinking "Yeah, I know I'm all that, but let me just show you why by acting like I don't know it".

11:30: See, this is why I wanted Meryl to win.  You just knew she'd give a captivating speech.

11:35: I don't know what's winning Best Picture.  I know Moneyball isn't going to win.

11:42: There were moments of brilliance during this year's Oscars (such as those interview segments with the various actors, Robert Downey Jr.), but also parts where things fell flat (the intro clip montage being the most notable has it showed its potential with the opening Clooney scene, but then it quickly fell off from there).  A slightly mixed bag, but ultimately a pretty decent show.  Not nearly as good as The Bachelor tomorrow night, though...

Bachelor Episode #8: Live Running Diary

I'm excited for hometown dates this week, which would be referred to as the "I'm asking for permission to marry your daughter after knowing her for all of two months, but just know there's a 50% chance I'm going to sleep with your daughter and dump her afterwards, a 25% chance that I dump your daughter this week, and a 25% chance that we'll be engaged for a year before we break up and your daughter's face is on the cover on People magazine" episode if the name weren't so long.

Courtney The Model (CTM) controversially stayed on the show last week, so I'm excited to meet her parents.  Are they normal or crazy like her?  Will they vaguely reference her insanity ("I'm sure you know how she gets sometimes!", "She's a handful, isn't she?", "That's just Courtney being Courtney", and "She's a free spirit" are all in play this week) or are they oblivious?

Speaking of CTM, my friends Mysteries and her husband, The Dings, watch the show together and The Dings sent me a message letting me know that Mysteries has decided to refer to CTM as "Wartney".  I asked for an explanation since I didn't see any warts on CTM.  The response: "I don't like Warts and I don't like Courtney."  Anytime a person comes up with something as brilliant as that, it's obvious I must update the Cast of Characters.  Therefore, I'm welcoming Mysteries and The Dings, also known as The Tramandous Couple, as official characters of The Chantastic Blog.

And finally, in honor of the departed but not forgotten FMC, Casey, I ask that each of you take a moment to read the first paragraph under "Top Scorers" in this Grantland article.  The only explanation that makes sense is that Ben loves brunettes since the only girl remaining who isn't a brunette is Lindzi, who is a dirty blonde.  Not that I'm making any judgments about guys who have a preference for hair color...

7:35: Chris Harrison just sent out an ominous tweet about tonight's episode.

7:55: I'm excited to find out what Chris Harrison meant.

8:01: I also forgot that we get to judge and guess the wealth of each bachelorette's family this week.  Nobody loves judging people based off of what they see TV more than me.

8:02: Does Linzi's family have their very own horse track?!

8:03: Is it just me, or is Lindzi's left dimple even more noticeable than usual tonight?

8:04: Easy observation about Lindzi's family: Horses = Money.  You never see poor kids riding horses growing up.  Lindzi's family is going to be either rich, wealthy, or absurdly wealthy.

8:07: Devon is totally going to be "the other guy" if Ben and Lindzi ever get married.

8:11: Over/under: 10 acres for Lindzi's parents' ranch/farm.  I'm taking the over, and I don't even know how big an acre is.

8:13: Horse racing!  I'm Asian, hence I love horse racing!

8:17: Lindzi's family is absolutely killing it right now.  If I were to grade them, they'd get an A+.

8:18: I've just decided to grade each of the families.  A+ is pretty much defined by Lindzi's parents.  F is a family that would cause someone not to marry the girl, no matter how amazing the girl is.

8:22: If I were a betting man, I'd bet that Lindzi's family will end up easily being the wealthiest among the final four.

8:25: Extremely awkward shot of Kacie walking along the field...

8:26: Ah, so that's why she is walking awkwardly.  She's just about to do something ridiculously awkward...like walking down a football field behind a marching band while twirling a baton.

8:27: Remember when I said that Needy Kacie (NK) was a little too into Ben?  The greeting she just gave Ben was completely over the top.  The problem is that she's too sweet to be faking it, so her overenthusiastic greeting was actually genuine.  That would freak me out, and it probably freaked Ben out.  I stick by my theory that NK's neediness will be heard from before all is said and done.

8:34: NK's sister is smoking hot.

8:36: I take that last statement back.  Apparently you shouldn't make bold proclamations off of a half second of camera time.

8:38: What's with the shaky camera work during the conversation with NK's dad?  I feel like I'm watching The Blair Witch Project.

8:40: Something tells me that NK's mom won't be a fan of the fantasy suites on next week's episode if NK makes it through to next week.

8:42: NK's dad is being the voice of reason.  On a show that is filled with insanity, logic comes across as weird.

8:44:  NK's claims that she hasn't rushed anything, including her feelings for Ben, is patently absurd.  Really, Kacie?  You don't remember yourself saying 5 minutes into the second episode of the season, "This could be the first date with the man I hope to marry"?  You don't think that might have been jumping the gun a bit?

8:49: NK's parents get a B-.

8:50: Also, NK's family is the definition of middle class.

8:51: That's a lot of boots.

8:52: I'm a huge fan of sliding drinks across the bar.

8:54: Nicki doesn't understand that the reason she was kept on was the bikini top she was wearing last episode.  She's gotta remind him of everything she has to offer.  Unleash the puppies, Nicki, unleash the puppies!

8:56: I may or may not have other incentives for wanting Nicki to put on a gun show.

8:59: Brick house = Nicki's family is definitely upper middle class.  Lock it down.

9:03: Nicki's dad is tearing up.  Nicki's dad is taking ownership of his daughter's failed marriage even though it ultimately had nothing to do with him.  Nicki's dad is a heck of a guy.

9:05: I want the real FMC's dad to be like Nicki's dad.

9:08: Did you catch the cute little "real" moment as Ben was leaving?  Nicki was leaving, and her dad asked innocently, "Are you coming back in afterwards?" since he has no real clue how the show works, and whether she would be going off with Ben for the night.  She said yes, her dad chuckled, and closed the door.  A nothing moment, and yet a real moment that says everything about Nicki's dad.  Just a solid dude who wants to take care of his daughter.

9:11: Nicki's family gets an A.  The only thing that prevents an A+ is her parents are divorced, and that has the potential for drama.

9:13: Courtney The Model (CTM) is somewhere between middle class and upper middle class.  Her family isn't quite as wealthy as Nicki's since they live in a bungalow, but it's a spacious bungalow with a neatly trimmed backyard and a pool.  Also, her dad's sweater vest screams that range.

9:17: CTM's mom is without a doubt the reason why CTM is the way she is.

9:19: CTM's dad seems like a decent guy - not afraid to tell it like it is, but also not afraid to break the tension with a joke or two.  He understands how to read a person's body language and to diffuse a situation, such as putting Ben at ease with a simple joke.  CTM is not like this at all.

9:21: CTM's mom, however, is the opposite.  Just a lot of superficial "You seem happy", "You look so beautiful, Mom" back and forth talk that doesn't really go any deeper.  That works for CTM's mom because she's probably had everything handed to her or given to her in life and probably never had to deal with much hardship, but it doesn't work with CTM because she doesn't have the sweetness to get away with it.  Since CTM's mom likely pampered CTM the way that she herself was pampered, CTM walks around with a sense of entitlement since she was given everything growing up.  However, once in the real world, she still acts with that air of entitlement even though she's done nothing to deserve it.  This is how CTM is a direct result of her mom.  And that, my friends, is how you judge someone based off of ten minutes of airtime.

9:27: CTM seems a lot less insane and a lot more vulnerable this week.  And by vulnerable, I mean really really really vulnerable.

9:28: The person we saw today wasn't CTM or Wartney.  We finally met Courtney.  Vulnerable, scared, timid, fidgety Courtney.

9:30: Courtney's family gets a B.

9:32: Chris Harrison interview time.  Let's see how many shots of him head nodding we get.

9:37: Did you notice how scared and fidgety was when Courtney was reciting her vows?  Not even Courtney can fake that.

9:38: Prediction: Nicki or NK are going home.

9:39: If Nicki goes home, it's because her relationship isn't as developed as everyone else's.  If NK goes home, it's because she's a little too needy, and her parents were a little too conservative, making Ben realize that they're a lot more different in the real, non-one-continual-vacation world.

9:42: Official prediction: NK is going home, simply because Ben seemed very upset during his deliberations.  The only reason he would be this upset is because he knows he's about to devastate someone.  Nicki will be able to handle it with some tears.  NK won't handle this well at all.  That's why Ben feels so bad about this round.

9:42: And yes, I assumed that Lindzi and CTM are locks.

9:44: Tears in 3...2...

9:45: I know this show too well.

9:45: Ben: "It breaks my heart."  We could tell, Ben, we could tell.  That's why we knew who you were sending home.

9:47: Here comes the ugly cry...

9:50: In the end, Needy Kacie's neediness, among other things, did her in.  I don't want to be the guy that says "I told you so"...wait a minute.  I'm totally that guy.  I told you so.

9:51: I got chills when they showed that helicopter shot of Switzerland.  Wow.

9:52: Why are producers inviting Ashley back to do anything?  Do they not realize that her season made all of us want to collectively poke our eyes?  That she sucked the life out of every episode?  That her insecurity slowly but surely sucked the life out of the show, tear by insecure tear?  I have no desire to see her ever again on TV.  Somewhere, I bet G-Unit agrees with me.

9:55: That scene during the credits was pretty awesome.

9:58: Not too many surprises tonight.  I think Casey's ugly cry was uglier than Kacie's ugly cry.  I can't wait to see the dramatic scene they showed in the trailer for next week.

Bachelor Episode #7: Live Running Diary

Live from the Chantastic couch, I'm ready for another week of craziness if my laptop can manage to hang on for another two hours.  My laptop screen has been randomly turning off the last few days, so if my posts disappear halfway through the show, blame it on my computer...or Courtney The Model (CTM) for inducing a seizure with her bouncing blurcles after going topless for the third show in a row.

7:45: It's quarter to eight.  Do you know where your desperate single daughters are?

7:50: If it's the night before Valentine's Day and I'm watching The Bachelor alone on my couch, should I be eating ice cream straight from the bucket or eating a whole bag of chips?  I want to know what would make the more compelling visual.

7:57: Crap.  Now I'm actually hungry, and the only prescription that can solve my problem is potato chips or ice cream.  That, or more cowbell.

7:58: Did you know that Chris Harrison hosted one of those red carpet shows before the Grammys last night?  No?  Um, neither did I.

7:59: Jeopardy! was on before The Bachelor.  Apparently it's the first half of the college tournament finals.  I'm not nearly as excited about this as Alex Trebek.

8:01: People have alternately compared Ben to Rafael Nadal and a rat.  I never really saw it until the start of the show when he was squinting into the camera.  Total rat-face.  I'm tempted to call him Splinter from now on.

8:04: The color of Chris Harrison's shirt can only be described as pastel blue.

8:05: I was just about to say that Nicki was my favorite remaining girl, then she goes and starts crying for no reason whatsoever five minutes into the show.  The title of FMC among the remaining girls remains up for grabs.

8:08: Who am I kidding?  Casey is my one and only this season.

8:09: But seriously, does anyone out there know any single girls who are like Casey?  I've got my Neil Lane ring and a camera crew ready to capture my awkward proposal.

8:11: Now I'm hungry for cheesecake.

8:12: Did anyone else just notice that Lindzi actually pronounces the first "T" in important?  Rewind it to the part where she starts talking about how it's important to have a playful and quirky conversation.  Or something like that.

8:13: How many times has Ben said this season, "I don't know if she'll be able to do this," and then two minutes later, she is able to do this?

8:14: I didn't even recognize Lindzi in the interview after her helicopter jump.  Then I realized why - the water washed away the tons of makeup she had on her face, and we saw her real non-overly-bronzed-face without the makeup.  Mrs. G-Unit's theory about Lindzi's makeup was spot on.  Notice how after she's back in the house, she returns as bronzed Lindzi - she's had time to put her makeup back on.  The funny thing is, I think she might look better with the natural look than the Jersey Shore over-tanned look.  Anyone else agree with me?

8:20: As always, great guitar strumming background music by the sound editors to set the mood.

8:23: "Tonight is such an imporTant night." Lindzi pronounced the first T again!  Is anyone else noticing this?

8:25: Lindzi is a lefty.  Ben is not.

8:26: Someone is going to find that bottle and think that two ten year olds wrote the story.

8:32: What if Emily didn't know how to ride a bike?

8:33: Now I'm hungry for a coconut.

8:34: Just try to tell me that lobster conversation wasn't totally staged.

8:36: Now I'm hungry for lobster.  But good lobster.  Not that Red Lobster crap.

8:39: Seriously, I'm really hungry.  This is what happens when I have Subway for dinner at 5:30 after going for an early lunch because I didn't have breakfast.  I wonder if Casey is a good cook.

8:40: They just ran a commercial for Chapman's.  I'm pretty sure that running the commercial during The Bachelor was not a coincidence.  They know their target market.  In related news, I'm back to being hungry for ice cream.  I don't care if it's still winter.

8:42: CTM has a diary.  Of course she does.

8:45: We all saw Emily's tongue during that kiss, right?

8:47: "It took every fiber of my being to not run across the room and punch her in the face."  Needy Kacie (NK), I know how that feels.

8:52: Was it just me or did they blurcle the name of CTM's plane?  CTM is a magnet for the blurcle.

9:05: Don't worry, my computer is still alive and I'm still here.  I'm just transfixed by CTM's ability to turn the tables on Ben.  If I didn't know any better, I'd think that this was an episode of The Bachelorette and CTM was deciding whether to keep Ben on the show.

9:07: Is anyone else hoping that CTM is around next week just so that we could meet her parents?  Are they normal or crazy like her?

9:13: There was a split-second shot of Ben's face during his conversation with CTM as she was going on and on that makes me think he's sending her home tonight.

9:18: I love how Nicki says, "I'm so not sexy right now" as she's wearing a tiny bikini with her boobs hanging out.

9:19: I am a fan of Nicki's blue bikini.

9:23: I wonder what Rachel's tramp stamp is.

9:24: NK says, "I didn't think I was a jealous person."  You might have not thought that, but I sure did.  That's why your nickname is Needy Kacie.

9:30: Let me rephrase my comment from 9:19.  I am a fan of how Nicki fills out her blue bikini.

9:31: Final three prediction: Lindzi, Emily, and Kacie.

9:35: I'm going to feel really bad for NK when she gets sent home, or I'm going to feel really good for her when she gets a proposal because she'll be so genuinely happy.

9:37: Nicki is putting on an epic gun show tonight.

9:44: Actually, Chris Harrison, you are the man I was hoping to see.

9:49: I didn't realize two are getting sent home.  No way that Rachel makes this cut.

9:52: Nicki is bouncing her way to hometown dates next week!

9:54: Rachel feels "very rejected".  Possibly because she was just rejected.

9:55: Rachel and Emily were sooo close to an ugly cry.  But to be clear, nothing will ever top Casey's ugly cry from last week.

9:57: Next week's hometown dates look intense.  I look forward to meeting CTM's parents.  I get the feeling she might be one of those uber-spoiled girls.

9:59: I'm absolutely shocked that promotional consideration was provided by the Belize Tourism Board.

10:00: I'm still hungry.

The Chantastic shortcut

I have sent yet another e-mail/text where I use the words "I can't do Monday night because that's Bachelor night".  At this point, I think it'd be easier if this phrase was a shortcut on my computer.

Bachelor Episode #6: Live Running Diary

And we're back for another week of watching women pine and cry over a guy they barely know.  As I was watching last week's river of tears being accompanied by fittingly sad music - seriously, the sound editing on The Bachelor is second to none - I started thinking about which song I know would provide the best 20 seconds of background sadness as bachelorettes cry about not receiving a rose.  It's not about the whole song, since a full song is never played.  It's only about that one minute snippet that could be used on the show - something that starts off slow and sad, slowly builds until it reaches a crescendo, and then fades to quiet sadness.  And yes, these are the things I think about.

My conclusion is that this clip from the 55 second mark to the 2:10 mark would be perfect.  Turn the volume low so that it sounds like background music, and as the music plays, picture a bachelorette in a limo sobbing about not receiving a rose while you listen to the lyrics.  As the music quickens, the sobbing increases until she's just a blubbering mess right at the 1:35 mark, and then afterwards, she talks with mascara running down her face, looking devastated for the last 30 seconds.  You don't want to know how long I thought about this.

7:51: I hope that I won't have the chance to do this with FMC Casey as she cries tonight.

8:00: Here we go!

8:01: We're one minute in, and I'm already upset.  I don't want to see Casey cry.  You can't see me, but I'm doing a single tear cry for my future wife.  Sure, I had to lick my finger to make the tear happen, but it's the thought that counts.

8:03: I'm still upset.

8:04: Needy Kacie (NK) just became the frontrunner for a Neil Lane engagement ring.

8:05: This helicopter ride would be the one time where it would actually be accurate to say that they're going at it like the plane is going down.  And yet, nothing.

8:08: Seeing NK in a bikini isn't the worst thing in the world.

8:10: I'm still upset.

8:13: KC was on an island in a bikini before the commercial.  Now she's in a black cocktail dress.  Where was the dress?  Where did she change?  I want to know these things.

8:14: "I have to open up to Ben like I haven't opened up to a guy in a long time."  Every time I hear the girls say that, I always just mentally fill in "my legs" to the sentence.

8:17: Eating disorder?  I thought she was going to say abortion.  Seriously.

8:19: Little known fact: I also have an eating disorder.  I love fried chicken.  It has helped make me the fatty that I am today.

8:19: "On a scale of 1 to wonderful, I feel fantastic."  Think about that sentence for a second.  It's not a scale of 1 to 10, or a scale from awful to wonderful, it's a scale from a number to an adjective.  What the hell is in the middle of this ridiculous scale?  5.mediocre?  And what's higher - wonderful or fantastic?

8:20: As an economics major/math nerd/Asian guy, this scale offends me on a number of levels.  I think I'm more upset about this scale than I am about Casey's inevitable tears.  And you know that's saying a lot.

8:26: I swear this is the first time we've seen Jamie speak in an interview.  I'm mentioning this because Jamie is absurdly good looking.  She's easily better looking than Courtney The Model (CTM).  As an added bonus, she doesn't seem psychotic.

8:31: I have no comment on the past two minutes since I passed out when Casey started taking her shirt off.

8:32: Consecutive weeks with a blurcle making a prominent appearance on the show!

8:33: CTM says, "I'm with the guy I'm interested in."  Everybody else is throwing around words and phrases like "engaged", "fiance", and "rest of my life".  CTM is "interested".  I'm kind of now rooting for CTM to make it to the end just so I can see how long it will take for them to break up.  What's the Bachelor record for quickest breakup?  Could they break up before After the Final Rose?

8:37: I just remembered that Jason broke up with Melissa and chose runner-up Molly on After the Final Rose in Season 13.

8:40: Jake and Vienna.  Ben and Courtney.  Does anyone see a difference?  I sure don't.

8:42: Jamie has had more airtime tonight than all previous episodes combined.

8:43: Jamie is what we call "a fast talker".

8:50: Well done, Emily.  Well done.  Straight faced and everything.

8:52: CTM is definitely something.

8:53: G-Unit and Mrs. G-Unit both think that NK and Lindzi are the favorites at this point.  I can't really argue with them after NK received a second 1-on-1 and Lindzi the rose on the group date.

8:55: Does CTM really expect Ben to give her every group date rose?

8:58: CTM claims that she's been disappointed all her life by men.  Well, if she wasn't a crazy person, maybe she'd have reasonable expectations of what to expect from a man.

8:59: Note that both Blakely and Rachel did the dramatic walk-in with one suitcase.  Yet in an earlier episode this year, we saw that the luggage room both had two pieces of luggage (at least) per person.  I mean, think of all the different dresses and clothes that you'd have to pack for a variety of unknown situations if you were to go on the show.  But I called that this discrepancy would happen because it's a lot more dramatic to walk in with one suitcase.  These are the things I notice.

9:03: Blakely confidently tells us, "I'm a much better dancer than Rachel."  Blakely, this is The Bachelor, not Dancing With The Stars.

9:06: Every time I see Casey do the ugly cry, a piece of me dies inside.

9:13: What's up with Rachel's teeth?  This has bothered me since the beginning.  Her teeth somehow look normal but weird at the same time.  In some instances, they look perfect.  Other times, she looks like she has vampire fangs.

9:15: Nothing says "creepy stalker" quite like a scrapbook, does it?

9:17: And there's the payoff for the fake solo suitcase - having the driver dramatically walk in and choosing between the two suitcases.  I want to know how the producers actually think they can make us believe that a woman would only pack one suitcase on a possible multi-month trip around the world.  Hell, I'd pack two suitcases just so I could have room to put souvenirs in.

9:23: Chris Harrison with the great small talk before dropping a bombshell.  That's why he's the best.

9:25: Chris Harrison just dropped a "y'all".

9:27: I'm not going to lie.  When Chris Harrison - and yes, I'm going to use his full name every time since that's what they always do on the show - said that Casey was in love with someone else, my first reaction was, "It's me!"

9:30: Never in a million years would I have thought that Casey would be the girl who has a boyfriend back home.  I'm the worst judge of women ever.  Yet my friends always come to me for advice.

9:34: Casey, the best way to get over "Michael" would be to move to Toronto and find love with a Chantastic individual.

9:37: Chris Harrison with an epic monologue.

9:38: I think the ugly cry breakdown is the first step in Casey's journey to get over "Michael".  Seriously.

9:39: I think the second step is for us to meet.

9:46: Jamie's dorkiness just made her an FMC.  Which will be perfect since she's getting sent home tonight.

9:48: I may or may not have just googled Jamie's hometown.  I may or may not have also discovered that it's a 5 hour drive from Toronto.

9:52: In case you're wondering, it's a 17 hour drive to Casey's hometown from Toronto.

9:54: "I'm so scared of love, yet it's the one thing I want."  Deep parting words from Jamie.

9:55: Does anyone know of any single girls in Toronto who are a combination of Jamie's dorkiness and Casey's girl-next-door-ness?  If you do, there's a Chantastic individual you should introduce her to.

9:59: I'm looking forward to getting a Casey update on After the Final Rose.  I'd also like an update on whether she's booked a ticket to Toronto yet.

10:02: That was an emotionally draining episode.  It's tough to watch your future wife suffer an emotional breakdown on TV.  And on that note, I eagerly await a more uplifting episode next week when the girls call out CTM's insanity.