Monday, January 09, 2012

Bachelor Episode #2: Live Running Diary

I have very few rules in life, but one of them is this: If one of my friends' dads is requesting to read the Chantastic Blog because of his love of The Bachelor, then I must continue doing what I'm doing (shout out to Mr. Sturies).  As a result, I will be doing a weekly live up-to-the-minute running diary of the show as it happens for the rest of the season.  If you have Internet access while you watch the show, it will be like I'm watching the show with you on your couch, except I won't ask you to grab me a snack from the kitchen during commercial breaks.  All you have to do is refresh the blog during the show.  The only catch is that I will be watching it on the East coast feed starting at 8 PM EST, so for all my peeps back in Edmonton and other places who watch a later feed, the running diary will already be finished when you watch.

6:27: I just realized that doing the weekly running diary means that I won't be able to partake in my favorite activity while watching The Bachelor: eating vanilla ice cream straight from the tub.  If I watch The Bachelor, I have to do it the right way.  Embrace your inner chick and just make yourself the stereotype of the show's viewers.  Alas, it seems my trusty ice cream spoon will have to remain in the drawer every Monday.

7:00: After exchanging my weekly e-mails with G-Unit, I need to discuss Courtney The Model (or CTM as she will be known for the rest of the season).  I'm just going to throw this out there: CTM isn't as good looking as she thinks she is.  Now, don't get me wrong, CTM isn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination and I certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed, but nobody is going to confuse her with Marisa Miller.  She's just a run-of-the-mill good looking girl, an 8/10 that you might see at the grocery store...who just happens to be a model.  And since she's a model, she suddenly becomes better looking in people's eyes (including Ben's) because her job has validated her as being good looking.  CTM had two conversations with Ben last week....and somehow the topic of her being a model was brought up both times.  This is not a coincidence.  Every time she mentions that she's a model, what she's really saying is "I've been objectively identified as good looking, and therefore you should believe that I'm good looking."

It's like when People Magazine names their annual Sexiest ChMan Alive.  As soon as the celebrity is named, there's a lot of discussion about how good looking that guy is.  The thing is that whichever celebrity was named looks exactly the same as he did the day before he was named Sexiest ChMan Alive, but since the guy was identified as handsome by the media, his attractiveness increases.  In other words, "If he's been chosen as the Sexiest Man Alive, then he must be sexy."

This is exactly what CTM is doing every time she mentions that she's a model, and she knows it.  Every time she says something about modelling, just know that she's implicitly saying this: "Don't forget that people think I'm beautiful, so you must be attracted to me too!"

I'm onto CTM's plan and I bet that we haven't heard the last of her modelling career.

8:02: I'm pretty sure that CTM would never move to Sonoma.

8:05: "This could be the first date with the man I hope to marry."  Really, Kacie?  You've met this guy for one night with 24 other women, and you already hope to marry him?  Jumping the gun a bit, aren't we?

8:09: Kacie is way too excited about twirling a stick.

8:10: I don't understand why Ben is implying it should be embarrassing to twirl a baton in public.  You're not dressing up in a pink leotard and dancing around like a ballerina.  You're twirling a stick.

8:12: New drinking game: Drink every time Ben mentions his dad or his parents.

8:18: Ben is going to tear up in 3...2...1...

8:19: C'mon, who didn't see him tearing up coming?

8:25: Is this The Bachelor or a two hour tourism ad for Sonoma?

8:26: I really hope that Blakely brought a leash for those puppies.

8:28: Nicki bringing the sprinkler!

8:36: I'm going through FMC Casey withdrawal.

8:38: I enjoy that Monica was trying to play up her part in a kid's play.  Really?  You're getting competitive about how important your role as the dragon was?

8:40: New drinking game: drink every time someone says "Sonoma".

8:50: "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"  Wow.

8:52: Joining Monica and Jenna from last week in the battle for craziest girl on the show this season are CTM and Blakely.

8:57: Blakely just quoted her Zodiac sign.  I don't even know what to do with that.

8:58: Between makeout sessions on The Bachelor, does Ben take a mouthwash break?

9:01: Blakely is druuuuuuuunk.

9:03: Wait, I might be confusing drunkeness with craziness.  Blakely might be a combination of both.

9:05: I love that Ben gave Blakely the rose even though we all know there's not a chance in hell that she's going to make it to the finale.  Do you really think that Ben's family is going to have good things to say about her?

9:06: Ben just said CTM is beautiful and then cited her being a model as proof.  I feel that everything I wrote above has been just proven true.

9:07: I enjoy how feisty Samantha is.

9:10: Ben can't stop bringing up the fact that CTM is a model.  It's like he wants to reinforce that she's a model, and thus she is attractive.

9:13: I've said it once, I'll say it again.  I'm not sure that I'd classify CTM as "drop dead gorgeous".  I think there are girls on the show who are easily better looking than her.  That one-on-one date was not flattering to her in the least.  Am I missing something here?

9:17: I was surprised that CTM's vocabulary included "cathartic".  Quite impressive, actually.

9:21: Isn't it interesting that the crazy girls from these first two episodes (CTM, Blakely, Monica, and to a lesser extent, Jenna) spend all their time in the confessional interviews talking about the other girls and how there's no competition, while all the other girls just talk about Ben?

9:25: Finally, Casey with some camera time!  It was two seconds, but I'll take what I can get with the FMC.

9:29: For someone who claims to be here for Ben and doesn't care what the other girls think, Blakely sure seems to talk about the other girls a lot.

9:30: I love that Samantha referred to Blakely as Jugs.  Samantha and her feistiness are on the verge of becoming a FMC.

9:35: Someone just called Blakely a "Stage 5 Clinger".  That's a phrase from Jersey Shore!

9:37: Jenna Jenna Jenna...

9:40: Note that Blakely is in the luggage room.  Note that each girl has multiple bags.  Remember this when someone is sent home unceremoniously, either during a 1-on-1 or 2-on-1 date.  The producers will send someone to fetch that girl's bags from the house.  Note that there will only be one bag for the guy to get so that it looks much more dramatic on TV.  These are the things I notice.

9:42: "I understand why the girls are acting that way around Blakely.  I get it."  Translation: I just realized I made a terrible mistake by giving her the rose.  I didn't realize she was a Stage 5 Clinger.

9:47: I love the melodramatic fog in the background of the rose ceremony.  There's no way that's not a fog machine.

9:48: "Sonoma" was definitely the drinking game this week.

9:50: Jenna is on the verge of becoming the first person ever to cry during the rose ceremony before all the roses have been handed out.

9:51: Casey S!  FMC lives to fight another day!

9:54: Somehow, Jenna is shocked.  I'm not sure why she's shocked or what she's shocked about.

9:56: The trailer for next week looks ridiculous.  Ridiculously GOOD.

10:01: This show never disappoints unless it's Ashley on The Bachelorette.  I look forward to more melodrama and tears next week.  See you all then!

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