Monday, January 30, 2012

Bachelor Episode #5: Live Running Diary

We're back for another week of insanity, and who doesn't look forward to blurcles on TV?  I know I'm excited about seeing Courtney The Model (CTM) on the beach with Ben and the subsequent freak-out by Needy Kacie (NK) when she finds out.  So powered by the show that smart women people watch, let's get ready for women to do things they're going to regret as soon as they're off the show.

6:12: Here's a brief tangent about next season's Bachelorette from Cobra's girlfriend, JB. Emily is the next Bachelorette.  Bentley was on Ashley's season but had no interest in Ashley because he had hoped that it was going to be Emily.  As a result, Bentley turned up to be quite possibly the biggest d-bag in Bachelorette history (feel free to debate among yourselves).  How good would it be to have Bentley on Emily's season?  I think this needs to happen.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to phone Chris Harrison to set the wheels in motion on this awesome plan.  Speed dial 1...

7:41: 20 minutes until I get to see FMC Casey.  I'm excited.

8:01: There's a baseball game tonight!  Just when I think this show can't get any better...

8:05: My prediction: Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress is going home at the rose ceremony tonight.  But if you're sad for Blakely, just know that she would have been sent home the first night if she was just a regular cocktail waitress.

8:10: Why do none of my dental hygienists I've had look like Nicki?

8:11: I like Nicki.  She seems fun.

8:11: "Nicki was married before.  Now she's divorced."  Thanks for clarifying, Ben.  Here we were, thinking that Nicki was still married before you set us straight.

8:12: "Nothing can rain on this parade," Nicki tells us as it rains on her date with Ben.  See what she did there?

8:14: How much do you want to bet that they couldn't show them paying for the clothes because the producers did it after they had left?

8:17: Did you notice that when Nicki was reflecting on her marriage and how she should have lived with her fiance before marriage, she was looking at the ground the entire time and didn't once look at Ben as she told him about her past?  She was in full-on reflective mode there.  Rewind if you PVRed the show.  You could tell she wasn't so much telling Ben about her past as she was just reminiscing about her past.  You know that look when you tell a story and you look off into the distance as you think about it and tell the story?  She was doing that instead of engaging in a conversation with Ben on her past.  She was definitely in love with her ex.  It's analysis like this that they pay me the big bucks for.

8:21: Ben is going to probe into Nicki's marriage.  I wonder if she's going to do the look away nostalgic thing again.

8:23: Nicki is fully engaged in this conversation.  Much better chemistry.

8:24: I'm pretty sure that if the girls voted on who they thought was the smartest among the girls left, Blakely would not receive a vote after that conversation.

8:27: Nicki and Ben are going at it like the plane's going down.  I'm pretty sure I saw some tongue.

8:31: Hall of Fame FMC Sarah Michelle Gellar is doing the voiceover for CARE.  I'd recognize Buffy's voice anywhere.

8:33: Jennifer and Jamie both have very good swings.

8:34: Casey looks amazing in her black outfit.  However, she is definitely not the most coordinated nor athletic person I've ever seen.  It's OK.  I'll bring the athletic genes to our future children.  You can bring the cute factor.

8:35: One woman is going to play for both teams.  Best double entendre ever.

8:36: CTM didsn't choose her BFF Casey with her first pick.  I'm just sayin'.

8:37 Lindzi didn't run through first.  You can run through first, Lindzi.  Just because you like the outdoors doesn't mean you know sports.

8:38: Ben made an error.  He's clearly got money on this game.

8:39: I really appreciate it any time two girls chest bump.

8:40: Casey a girl.

8:42: I looooove how they had Emily doing the color commentary and ended it with "...and it was 6-6 going into extra innings", then cut to commercial like it was some kind of cliffhanger or Game 7 of the World Series. Melodrama editing at its finest.

8:44: Bachelor Canada!  I'm excited for this fall.

8:45: I appreciate how they have official umpires at this game.  Everything is by the books in this epic battle.

8:46: Blakely is going to lose it in 3....2....

8:48: CTM with some solid baseball metaphors.  Well done.

8:49: Words cannot describe how much I, the baseball guy, enjoyed watching baseball being played on The Bachelor.

8:53: The winners took a helicopter out of there.  The losers rode a yellow bus home.  Well done on the symbolism, Bachelor producers.

8:55: Oh Ben.  It's like you're telling my life story.  You can't see me, but I'm looking off into the distance nostalgically.

8:57: I think Ben is out of NK's league.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with CTM - she's not mature enough for Ben given her age and life experience.  This is sort of related to NK's neediness, but not quite the same.

9:04: I look forward to seeing "Promotional consideration provided by W Resorts" in the closing credits.

9:05: ...and Elyse is crying before her 1-on-1 date has even started.  I'm confused as to how this is even possible.

9:06: CTM likes to make a snarky comment in the interview room, followed by her pouting her lips and moving them to one side.  Be on the lookout for it.

9:08: Elyse is trying to guilt-trip Ben a bit with all she's given up to be on the show.  I don't think that's the best strategy.  It puts a lot of pressure on him instead of letting things progress naturally.

9:10: Jumping off the side of a yacht into the sea looks like it would be fun.  I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to find out for myself.

9:14: Ben is coming off as a seasoned pro on this date with Elyse.  He just looks a lot more comfortable tonight, like he belongs and he knows he belongs.  He doesn't seem as fazed, unlike before when all the drama was unfolding in previous episodes.

9:16: Elyse is so going home.  Any time you hear a guy do the head nod and say "Uh-huh, uh-huh" in agreement, you've lost his interest.

9:17: I love how Ben reached for the rose to give the speech about how he wasn't going to give her a rose.  He even faked me out.  He made me doubt my comment from a minute ago.  Well played, Ben the Winemaker.  Well played.

9:20: No limo exit interview for Elyse.  She gets the dreaded boat exit.

9:20: Good music overlay by the sound editors.  Really brings out the emotion and sadness with Elyse crying. Never underestimate the editing they do that adds to the show.  I was ready to start waving my lighter in the air.

9:27: Wow, CTM just referred to herself as a model.  What a shock that that would be brought up.  That's never happened before.

9:30: Translation: CTM wants to get her bang on.

9:31: Blurcle time!

9:36: "Courtney and I shared an intimate moment."  I'm not fluent in Ben Hookup Terminology, so I can't figure out exactly what they did.

9:38: Is Blakely about to drop the L-bomb?

9:39: Cue the inspirational music.  Just try to tell me the sound guys don't deserve an Emmy.

9:40: Blakely gave a nice speech.  Too bad she's still going home.

9:41: Casey has been skinnydipping!  I would have never guessed.

9:43: Emily...what are you doing?  How do you start a conversation about how you didn't think about CTM at all...and then give a monologue about how you still don't like CTM?

9:44: Emily wants to know why Ben would keep a girl like CTM around.  I think the skinnydipping scene explains why.

9:46: I take it back.  I think Emily is going home now, but only because she's an idiot.  It would have been Blakely otherwise.

9:48: Of course it's been the most pivotal week for Ben since he's been the bachelor!  He just got some model skinnydipping action!

9:50: Has Jamie ever spoken in an interview?

9:51: FMC lives to make me swoon for another episode!

9:52: Shocker!  Jennifer, who Ben anointed the best kisser in the house, is going home!  Jennifer seems really nice.

9:53: Both Jennifer and Elyse are wondering what they did wrong.  How come they can't accept that sometimes you can do things right and still aren't a good fit for someone else?  Sometimes things don't work out and it's nobody's fault.  Hold your head up high, and just know you did all you can do.  It's not all sarcasm and mocking on the blog.  I can be inspirational when I choose to be.

9:54: Who's got the huge arm tattoo?

9:55: Seeing Casey cry in the preview for next week made my heart break a little.

9:59: If Casey leaves the show prematurely because of a family issue, does that mean she might be the next Bachelorette?  And if so, when can I sign up?  Maybe I'll just call speed dial 1 again...

10:04: I'm still surprised that Jennifer went home.  What shockers will next week hold?  Are Casey's tears going to lead to tears it getting dusty on the Chantastic couch?  We'll find out next week!

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