Monday, January 16, 2012

Bachelor Episode #3: Live Running Diary

From the Chantastic couch, it's time for more craziness in Episode #3.  I'm excited to see one of the bachelorettes pass out tonight since I've never actually seen someone faint before.  Does that make me a bad person?

6:58: During my weekly e-mail exchange with G-Unit, he passed on a really good observation from his wife: Courtney The Model (CTM) might just be on drugs.  She acts crazy, says things that no sane person would ever say ("How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"), and is a model - all associated with taking drugs.  According to G-Unit and his wife, be on the lookout for CTM's glazed eyes.  An interesting theory.  I like it.

7:45: If Casey is limited to random camera shots at the rose ceremony tonight, I'm flying to Sonoma and lighting Ben's vineyard on fire.  The FMC needs more airtime!

8:01: One minute in, and Kacie talks about possibly living in San Francisco.  Get a hold of yourself, woman!

8:03: Three minutes in, and Ben's first mention of CTM's job as a model.  Also, Ben tells his sister that he would get along with CTM.  I bet he's going to regret saying that before the season is over.

8:06: Big focus on Casey thus far.  And by big focus, I mean that they've already shown her on camera for about five seconds, which is equal to all of her airtime from last week.  Great camera work to zoom in on her right as Chris Harrison says that not everyone gets a date every week.  The production staff is bringing their A-game tonight.

8:11: Emily doesn't know how to run, as evidenced by her run to start the second segment.  I can't even call it a run, it was so pathetic.  It was a horrible attempt to move quickly.

8:15: How come we haven't even heard Casey speak in a confessional interview?  I'm starting to get upset.

8:17: I appreciate Ben's effort to make out with every single girl whenever the opportunity presents itself.

8:24: Casey!  Casey!  Casey!  I swooned when she spoke.

8:27: Ben and Emily are making out like it's Grade 10.

8:29: I would be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the upcoming bikini segment.

8:33: "There are some big personalities on today's date."  Camera cut to Blakely.  Yes.  Big...personalities.

8:34: Honda's not a sponsor.  No, not at all.

8:35: Bowchickawowow.

8:38: Neil Lane is also not a sponsor.  Not at all.

8:40: I don't hold it against Brittney that she might not be into Ben.  I hold it against Brittney that we're now going to waste ten minutes of airtime on her trying to figure out if she's into Ben.

8:45: Office pool idea for next week - guess the number of girls that Ben will make out with.

8:46: Mark my words, Kacie's overeager "I'm a little too into Ben" attitude will make an appearance before all is said and done.

8:48: Brittney, I'm pretty sure this isn't the most difficult decision you've ever made in your life.

8:49: Nice matching luggage though, Brittney.  That's a loud shade of purple.

8:51: When Ben gave the rose to Rachel, did you notice that Monica was crying?  Tears streaming down her face, the whole deal.  I feel like we're owed an explanation.  Chris Harrison, what say you?

8:52: I would like to personally thank Brittney for making a quick move on leaving.  None of that drawn out Bentley nonsense from The Bachelorette.

8:56: Why did we not get to see any of this important conversation on TV?  I take back the good thing I said about the production staff.  That's just poor editing.

8:58: Ice cream!  I miss my bucket of vanilla ice cream while I watch the show.  The sacrifices that I make for you people.

9:00: Lindzi is the first girl this season to give credit to Ben for setting up an amazing date as if the producers had nothing to do with it.  She will not be the last.

9:05: The password at the door was cheesy.  The bookcase that led to a secret room was super cool.

9:06: Text message.  Wow.  That literally happened on Chuck, another favorite show of mine.  Except that show is a dramedy.  I can't believe someone actually did that in real life.

9:09: I take back what I've thought since I was a little kid.  There is a reason to learn the piano.  And that's to impress women on dates in contrived situations on a reality dating show.

9:11: For the record, I was the only Asian kid I knew who wasn't forced to learn some type of musical instrument when I was a kid.  Why these Asian moms were so keen on their kids learning an instrument, I'll never know.  Those kids sure as hell aren't professional musicians, that's for sure.  That's why Betty's the best.  If something doesn't make sense, she doesn't do it, even if everyone else does.

9:18: Shawntel!  America's favorite mortician whose parents don't know how to spell is back!

9:19: I just realized that my comment from 8:56 was meant for Casey, but it was actually Samantha in that picture.  I think it's a sign that Samantha is approaching FMC territory.

9:20: Was that exchange a sign that CTM has a social disorder...or just more proof that she's on drugs?

9:21: Casey, you're so sweet thinking that CTM is misunderstood.  That's why you're FMC material.  Too bad you're totally wrong.

9:25: This is amazing television.

9:26: It's for moments like this that I watch this ridiculous show.

9:30: Someone please make fun of Shawntel's name!  The claws are already out.  Someone just needs to tell her that her parents don't know how to spell.

9:31: I love how Samantha and CTM are literally lurking ten feet away from Shawntel's conversation.

9:32: I also love how Shawntel's basis for coming here is a conversation or two that they've had together.

9:34: I love even more how the other girls are saying "You don't even know Ben!"  Um, none of you knew Ben either when you first started on the show.

9:35: Erika's comments ("She's uglier in person and has thicker thighs in person") were amazing.

9:37: "Shawntel comes in on her high hearse..." Two seconds after a funny pun, Nicki breaks down in tears.  I'm confused as to how it's possible to come up with a great pun like that, and then start crying a moment later.

9:39: I'd bet just about anything that Overeager Kacie is the girl who faints next segment.  You know why?  Because she's fragile, she's overeager, and she's a little too into Ben.

9:42: CTM claims she has a hard time trusting Ben.  Maybe it should be the other way around.

9:43: I don't like how the cameras zoomed in on Casey right when Chris Harrison said that three girls were going home.

9:44: CTM calls Shawntel "Whatsherbutt".  Awesome.

9:45: Casey lives to fight another day yet again!

9:46: Did you notice that Emily did another poor attempt at a run when bringing the pillow for Erika?  Girl needs to learn how to at least not look like a klutz.

9:49: I take it back, Kacie.  Your overeagerness isn't making an appearance...yet.

9:50: I love how Jaclyn is still on the verge of tears.  What amount of time has passed in real life since Erika passed out?  Ten minutes?  Fifteen minutes?

9:51: Ben dubbed over part of his speech!  When they cut away from him, the audio totally changed.

9:52: The melodramatic music is really the icing on this delicious reality TV cake.

9:54: Do you know that we just witnessed history?  Shawntel is the first girl to have been rejected twice on The Bachelor!

9:57: Next week, the show is going to Park City, Utah.  For some reason, the girls start screaming excitedly.  I'd never even heard of Park City until just now.  I'm convinced that the girls could be told that they're going to the fourth stage of hell, and they'd still react with shrieks and screams.

9:59: The lip tattoo finally makes an appearance during the ending credits.  I'm glad that Erika won't be forever known as the girl who fainted.  She'll be known as the girl with the lip tattoo who fainted.

10:00: I'm worried that the girl sent home next week is Casey.  She wasn't seen in any of the other preview clips from next week.

10:01: That was a fulfilling episode.

10:04: There's no way that next week will top this week.  But let's not pretend like we won't be watching...


  1. I had no idea how the bachelor worked before I watched this, and think I probably have less of an idea now that I actually read all that. On a side note, my gf has started watching the show, so I'm just going to randomly read from your list of entries to provide sensical verbal commentary.

  2. The Chantastic Blog: Helping guys fake interest in their significant others since 2011.


Try to be Chantastic by leaving a comment!