Monday, January 23, 2012

Bachelor Episode #4: Live Running Diary

Welcome back to another week of half-crazed women doing fully crazed things.  I'd like to give a shout out to all the couples watching the show and reading the blog together - I received feedback from quite a few people last week who do this with their significant others to make it more entertaining.  I guess it makes sense that people need sarcastic commentary while watching the show since - let's face it - this show is absurd and occasionally a trainwreck.  I'm looking at you, Jenna.

So if you're trying to convince your boyfriend/husband to watch the show with you (it doesn't seem like women need a lot of convincing to watch) and their response is that the show is ridiculous and absurd, you should just agree with them, and then show them the blog to prove that ridiculous and absurd can also be entertaining if you embrace the ridiculousness and absurdity.  I swear that ABC isn't paying me to write that.

As some of you may know, G-Unit and I exchange weekly post-show analysis on the show.  Yes, that's right - I do a running blog of the show, and then I also analyze the show in an e-mail the next morning at work after I come home from work the next day.  For the second week in a row, G-Unit threw in an excellent theory from his wife - here's the unedited theory from that e-mail:

(My wife) had a good theory on LindZi.  If you remember during the first episode…Z said she hardly ever wears any makeup when she’s back home, but when she’s on this show…she wears the equivalent of a truckload of makeup all the time.  Does she not know how to apply makeup due to her lack of experience putting it on, or does she have to wear so much makeup so that she is not too shiny for the cameras?

That is an outstanding theory.  And given that this probably isn't the last theory we've heard from G-Unit's wife, she is being officially added to the Cast of Characters page - I name thee "Mrs. G-Unit"!

7:07: I'm kind of disappointed that Shawntel didn't stick around.  She would have created amazing drama.

7:16: I cannot overstate how worried I am that FMC Casey will be sent home tonight - I haven't seen her interact with Ben since the first episode.  But if she gets sent home, I suppose it means I'll be able to provide better commentary.  Every time she's on screen, I swoon like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  And really, how am I going to write sarcastic comments when I'm in mid-swoon?

8:01: Great inspirational wild, wild west to kick off the episode.  I'm ready to channel my inner Indiana Jones. The production and editing staff bring their A-game again.

8:03: Ben tell us that the dates he has planned are "outdoors-y".  Actually Ben, the dates are just outdoors.

8:04: Casey!  I just swooned.

8:05: I feel like it'd be fun to hang out with Chris Harrison.  I wonder if he uses his hands as much when he talks to his friends while throwing in the occasional hand clasp.  These are the things I think about.

8:05: I want to know more about Rachel's "communication issues".  I hope that she starts resorting to sign language in the middle of the date.

8:06: Needy Kacie makes an appearance!  Totally predicted that last week!

8:10: Kacie, simmer down.  You've been on two dates with him.  It's hard to believe that Kacie and her neediness are still single.

8:12: After the two hour advertisement for Sonoma a couple of weeks ago, it's good to see that they're being consistent - this is quickly becoming a two hour ad for Park City, Utah.

8:14: Who's got two thumbs and predicted Needy Kacie during the second episode?  This guy.  Who's got two thumbs and is now officially renaming her Needy Kacie, or NK for short?  This guy.

8:16: Ah, so thiiiiiiis is what Rachel meant by her "communication issues".  She simply doesn't talk.

8:25: Ah, so Rachel is what we call "the overanalyzer" of relationships.

8:26: The drinking game is anytime Rachel says "past relationship".

8:26: The food is just sitting there.  It's getting cold.  Please eat it.  It's driving me crazy that they're not eating it.  Is that weird?

8:27: "...and I hope that he gives me the chance to keep on opening up."  Let me finish that sentence for you, Rachel. " legs".

8:30: I'm enjoying McDonald's new marketing campaign about how they use normal eggs in their Egg McMuffins.  Essentially, it's "we use real eggs in our breakfast sandwiches unlike the crap we put in our other food, so buy our breakfast sandwiches because they're actually somewhat normal".

8:32: The sound editing staff is putting on a western music clinic right now.

8:33: I just realized that Lindzi has a home field advantage with the horses...

8:34: ...and right after I think of that, cut to Lindzi basically saying the same thing.  I know this show so well that I can predict what's going to happen.

8:35: NK literally said that she wants Ben to reassure her.  That's not needy at all.

8:36: Flyfishing is a horrible group date idea.  They're all just standing there by themselves while keeping tabs on Ben out of the corner of their eye.  None of the other girls can really occupy each other or socialize when Ben's talking to the other girls since you can't stand beside each other while flyfishing.  Worst.  Group date idea.  Ever.

8:37: CTM thinks that NK is "sweet and cute and...kind of annoying."

8:38: Beer and wine on the flyfishing date.  So that's how you spice it up.

8:44: They're making The Bachelor Canada!

8:45: Casey!  Casey!  Casey!

8:46: Casey has only been in two serious relationships.  It's going to be three once we meet.

8:46: Nicki, how dare you interrupt Casey.  You're dead to me.

8:48: I think Samantha is drunk.

8:49: Nope, Samantha is druuuuuuunk.

8:49: Samantha is going home in 3...2...1...

8:50: So drunk.  Wow.

8:51: In case you were wondering, the translation for Ben saying "I wonder if you're taking this seriously" is "I can't believe you're drunk right now."

8:53: I would have never guessed that Samantha would have gone home before Casey.  Good thing they don't have Bachelor betting online.  Also, they should have Bachelor betting online.

8:58: I can't believe NK told Ben to reassure her and it actually didn't come off as needy.

9:00: In case you missed it, here's how Ben views the women - CTM is the girl to get naked with, while NK is the girl to cuddle with.  My prediction: CTM makes it to the overnight date so Ben gets to boink her, but she doesn't get chosen because that's all Ben ultimately wants from her.

9:03: Doing the Charlie Sheen "Winning!" phrase is only funny if you do it ironically.  CTM is not doing it ironically, so it's just creepy instead.

9:10: Nobody will ever be able to convince me that the "No Trespassing" sign wasn't just put up ten minutes before Ben and Jennifer arrived.

9:13: I enjoy casual, ponytail Casey.  Excuse me while I swoon.

9:14: That was pretty cool.

9:15: Worst kiss setup ever on the show - trying to kiss while pedaling water with your legs to keep from going under.  Not romantic in the least.

9:19: They just cut to Bennifer out of the water after the commercial break.  How did they get out of the crater?  What type of process do they use?  Do they use the same equipment from when they were lowered in?  Or do they use something else since it's further down?  These are the things I think about.

9:22: I can't believe that Monica has gone from the girl who was hitting on another girl in the season premiere to the voice of reason.

9:24: Clay Walker might be a "superstar" according to Jennifer, but I've never heard of him until a minute ago.

9:26: "I feel really special that Ben put this together for me."  Jennifer is officially the second Bachelorette to give all the credit for setting up the date to Ben while pretending like the producers had nothing to do with it.  Yeah, I'm sure Ben called up Clay Walker himself, Jennifer.

9:29: Jennifer seems really nice.  She's sweet and pretty - but not too pretty - and women don't feel threatened by her.  In other words, she'd be perfect as The Bachelorette.  Too bad that they've already chosen Mother Teresa as the next Bachelorette.

9:32: Emily with a tremendous statue analogy for CTM.  Well done, Emily.  I'd slow clap for you right now, but I'm busy typing.

9:33: Ben just said, "I don't expect you to throw anyone under the bus."  If you read between the lines, that means, "Don't tell me who you're talking about."  So what does Emily do five seconds later?  She tells him it's CTM.  Emily, learn to pick up on subtle hints.

9:34: Casey looks angelic.

9:35: Oh Casey.  You're so sweet and innocent.

9:36: Casey, what are you doing?  Nobody likes a tattle.  That's not FMC behaviour.

9:39: I look forward to seeing if Casey still feels the same way about CTM on "After the Final Rose" after watching the show and seeing how CTM acts.

9:42: Casey just dropped an F-bomb.  I can't believe she knows how to swear.

9:44: CTM has an evil laugh.  It's close to a cackle, but not quite there.

9:45: CTM is Casey's best friend in the house.  I look forward to seeing CTM as one of Casey's bridesmaids at our wedding.

9:50: Casey just did the head tilt when listening to Ben talk.  I also do the head tilt when listening to people talk.  Swoon.

9:51: It's Episode #4.  Who the hell is Jamie?  I swear she just crashed the show Shawntel-style because I have no idea who she is.

9:52: FMC Casey lives to fight another day, yet again!

9:54: From the amount of snow on the roof of Monica's limo, we can tell that the limo has been waiting there a while.  From the unmelted snow on the back windshield, we know that they just recently started the engine in the limo.  These are the things I notice.

9:56: In response to finding out they're going to Puerto Rico, everyone screams except for CTM who says, "I was just there two months ago."  Then they raise their glasses, and as they go to commercial, you can hear CTM mutter, "I can do it higher than anyone."  CTM is the ultimate one-upper.

10:00: Awesome clip of Blakely stomping to end the show.  These are the skills that differentiate a VIP cocktail waitress from a regular cocktail waitress.

10:01: And on that note, another excellent week comes to an end.  I look forward to seeing CTM's blurcled booty next week.


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