Monday, February 06, 2012

Bachelor Episode #6: Live Running Diary

And we're back for another week of watching women pine and cry over a guy they barely know.  As I was watching last week's river of tears being accompanied by fittingly sad music - seriously, the sound editing on The Bachelor is second to none - I started thinking about which song I know would provide the best 20 seconds of background sadness as bachelorettes cry about not receiving a rose.  It's not about the whole song, since a full song is never played.  It's only about that one minute snippet that could be used on the show - something that starts off slow and sad, slowly builds until it reaches a crescendo, and then fades to quiet sadness.  And yes, these are the things I think about.

My conclusion is that this clip from the 55 second mark to the 2:10 mark would be perfect.  Turn the volume low so that it sounds like background music, and as the music plays, picture a bachelorette in a limo sobbing about not receiving a rose while you listen to the lyrics.  As the music quickens, the sobbing increases until she's just a blubbering mess right at the 1:35 mark, and then afterwards, she talks with mascara running down her face, looking devastated for the last 30 seconds.  You don't want to know how long I thought about this.

7:51: I hope that I won't have the chance to do this with FMC Casey as she cries tonight.

8:00: Here we go!

8:01: We're one minute in, and I'm already upset.  I don't want to see Casey cry.  You can't see me, but I'm doing a single tear cry for my future wife.  Sure, I had to lick my finger to make the tear happen, but it's the thought that counts.

8:03: I'm still upset.

8:04: Needy Kacie (NK) just became the frontrunner for a Neil Lane engagement ring.

8:05: This helicopter ride would be the one time where it would actually be accurate to say that they're going at it like the plane is going down.  And yet, nothing.

8:08: Seeing NK in a bikini isn't the worst thing in the world.

8:10: I'm still upset.

8:13: KC was on an island in a bikini before the commercial.  Now she's in a black cocktail dress.  Where was the dress?  Where did she change?  I want to know these things.

8:14: "I have to open up to Ben like I haven't opened up to a guy in a long time."  Every time I hear the girls say that, I always just mentally fill in "my legs" to the sentence.

8:17: Eating disorder?  I thought she was going to say abortion.  Seriously.

8:19: Little known fact: I also have an eating disorder.  I love fried chicken.  It has helped make me the fatty that I am today.

8:19: "On a scale of 1 to wonderful, I feel fantastic."  Think about that sentence for a second.  It's not a scale of 1 to 10, or a scale from awful to wonderful, it's a scale from a number to an adjective.  What the hell is in the middle of this ridiculous scale?  5.mediocre?  And what's higher - wonderful or fantastic?

8:20: As an economics major/math nerd/Asian guy, this scale offends me on a number of levels.  I think I'm more upset about this scale than I am about Casey's inevitable tears.  And you know that's saying a lot.

8:26: I swear this is the first time we've seen Jamie speak in an interview.  I'm mentioning this because Jamie is absurdly good looking.  She's easily better looking than Courtney The Model (CTM).  As an added bonus, she doesn't seem psychotic.

8:31: I have no comment on the past two minutes since I passed out when Casey started taking her shirt off.

8:32: Consecutive weeks with a blurcle making a prominent appearance on the show!

8:33: CTM says, "I'm with the guy I'm interested in."  Everybody else is throwing around words and phrases like "engaged", "fiance", and "rest of my life".  CTM is "interested".  I'm kind of now rooting for CTM to make it to the end just so I can see how long it will take for them to break up.  What's the Bachelor record for quickest breakup?  Could they break up before After the Final Rose?

8:37: I just remembered that Jason broke up with Melissa and chose runner-up Molly on After the Final Rose in Season 13.

8:40: Jake and Vienna.  Ben and Courtney.  Does anyone see a difference?  I sure don't.

8:42: Jamie has had more airtime tonight than all previous episodes combined.

8:43: Jamie is what we call "a fast talker".

8:50: Well done, Emily.  Well done.  Straight faced and everything.

8:52: CTM is definitely something.

8:53: G-Unit and Mrs. G-Unit both think that NK and Lindzi are the favorites at this point.  I can't really argue with them after NK received a second 1-on-1 and Lindzi the rose on the group date.

8:55: Does CTM really expect Ben to give her every group date rose?

8:58: CTM claims that she's been disappointed all her life by men.  Well, if she wasn't a crazy person, maybe she'd have reasonable expectations of what to expect from a man.

8:59: Note that both Blakely and Rachel did the dramatic walk-in with one suitcase.  Yet in an earlier episode this year, we saw that the luggage room both had two pieces of luggage (at least) per person.  I mean, think of all the different dresses and clothes that you'd have to pack for a variety of unknown situations if you were to go on the show.  But I called that this discrepancy would happen because it's a lot more dramatic to walk in with one suitcase.  These are the things I notice.

9:03: Blakely confidently tells us, "I'm a much better dancer than Rachel."  Blakely, this is The Bachelor, not Dancing With The Stars.

9:06: Every time I see Casey do the ugly cry, a piece of me dies inside.

9:13: What's up with Rachel's teeth?  This has bothered me since the beginning.  Her teeth somehow look normal but weird at the same time.  In some instances, they look perfect.  Other times, she looks like she has vampire fangs.

9:15: Nothing says "creepy stalker" quite like a scrapbook, does it?

9:17: And there's the payoff for the fake solo suitcase - having the driver dramatically walk in and choosing between the two suitcases.  I want to know how the producers actually think they can make us believe that a woman would only pack one suitcase on a possible multi-month trip around the world.  Hell, I'd pack two suitcases just so I could have room to put souvenirs in.

9:23: Chris Harrison with the great small talk before dropping a bombshell.  That's why he's the best.

9:25: Chris Harrison just dropped a "y'all".

9:27: I'm not going to lie.  When Chris Harrison - and yes, I'm going to use his full name every time since that's what they always do on the show - said that Casey was in love with someone else, my first reaction was, "It's me!"

9:30: Never in a million years would I have thought that Casey would be the girl who has a boyfriend back home.  I'm the worst judge of women ever.  Yet my friends always come to me for advice.

9:34: Casey, the best way to get over "Michael" would be to move to Toronto and find love with a Chantastic individual.

9:37: Chris Harrison with an epic monologue.

9:38: I think the ugly cry breakdown is the first step in Casey's journey to get over "Michael".  Seriously.

9:39: I think the second step is for us to meet.

9:46: Jamie's dorkiness just made her an FMC.  Which will be perfect since she's getting sent home tonight.

9:48: I may or may not have just googled Jamie's hometown.  I may or may not have also discovered that it's a 5 hour drive from Toronto.

9:52: In case you're wondering, it's a 17 hour drive to Casey's hometown from Toronto.

9:54: "I'm so scared of love, yet it's the one thing I want."  Deep parting words from Jamie.

9:55: Does anyone know of any single girls in Toronto who are a combination of Jamie's dorkiness and Casey's girl-next-door-ness?  If you do, there's a Chantastic individual you should introduce her to.

9:59: I'm looking forward to getting a Casey update on After the Final Rose.  I'd also like an update on whether she's booked a ticket to Toronto yet.

10:02: That was an emotionally draining episode.  It's tough to watch your future wife suffer an emotional breakdown on TV.  And on that note, I eagerly await a more uplifting episode next week when the girls call out CTM's insanity.

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