Live from the Chantastic couch, it's time for the Oscars. I decided I needed a break from staring at my fantasy baseball projections all weekend, so what better way than to provide snarky commentary while watching the Oscars. So finally, a live running blog that will appeal to more than just people with a love of trashy reality TV.
8:17: If you've never read one of these before, I update this blog post in real time with my thoughts as I watch them happen on TV. It's like watching the Oscars with me, only without me flipping channels during the commercial break.
8:20: I should note that I haven't watched any movies in the last year (that's right, not even Moneyball), so I have nothing of value to add in terms of what movies are actually good. All I know is that I have no desire to watch either Hugo or The Artist from what I've seen of the trailers.
8:21: Late breaking news - Halle Berry is cancelling her Oscar appearance! Somewhere, people care.
8:24: Watching the pre-Oscars show, I just confused Chris Rock and his afro for D.L. Hughley. I'm not joking.
8:30: Here we go!
8:31: Morgan Freeman? He's not the host. What's going on?
8:32: This is like a better montage version of what they do before the MTV Movie Awards start. What the hell is going on?
8:35: I don't know what the hell just happened with that montage intro. It started off good, ended horrendously. That's what happens when old people try to appeal to the younger demographic.
8:37: Let me get this straight. They have a nine-time host do a weird movie clip montage intro to try to appeal to a younger audience - there's no other reason for including Justin Bieber to kick things off - and then the first reference in Billy Crystal's monologue is to Field of Dreams, a movie from 1989. Mixed messages much? Pick a damn strategy and stick with it.
8:41: Why does Forrest Gump have a white beard?
8:43: Did anyone watch The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo?
8:44: Gandolph from Lord of the Rings just won best cinematography! Can't believe they have that technology down in Middle Earth.
8:45: Is this going to be a three hour circle jerk for Martin Scorsese? I cannot overstate how much I do not want to watch that.
8:47: I do, however, want to see Meryl Streep win, if only because I know she'll at least be able to give a good acceptance speech.
8:49: Is it weird that I kinda want to watch Ashley Judd's new show just because I like watching Angry Ashley Judd?
8:51: Did they really just show a Twilight clip? Yeah, not trying to target a younger audience at all...
8:56: J-Lo! Or should I say J-Los? There's definitely two of them tonight.
8:58: I'm confused as to what J-Lo and Cameron Diaz were doing with their backs turned. I know they were trying to do something, but I have no idea what.
8:59: See, these interviews are different, interesting, and also appeal to a younger audience. This is the kind of stuff they should be doing, not that weird, second-rate movie montage intro.
9:01: I cannot overstate how well done that interview segment was.
9:06: What the hell happened to Sandra Bullock's face?
9:07: Sorry, I wasn't sent the memo that said we were supposed to ignore Sandra Bullock's blatant facelift.
9:07: I love that a film from Canada was nominated for best foreign film. Because, you know, Canada and the U.S. are so different in language and culture.
9:09: I appreciate how it's now acceptable to make fun of Christian Bale's rant to his face like Crystal just did.
9:11: Are we supposed to pretend like Octavia Spencer isn't going to win this, and that everyone already knows it?
9:12: Over/under: 15 seconds into her speech before the tears come.
9:13: It's actually -15 seconds since she started crying 15 seconds before she even started speaking.
9:14: So did Octavia Spencer get a standing ovation because her performance was that good, or because she's black? That's a serious question. Has any best supporting actress who was white received a standing ovation? Better question - if Octavia Spencer was Latino or Asian, would she have received a standing O?
9:17: I'm not trying to be a jackass, but I think it's a question worth asking.
9:22: That audience screening bit would have been a lot better if it was referencing a movie after, oh I don't know, 1950? Would it have killed them to do it for Titanic or another slightly more modern film?
9:25: There's people who claimed they were surprised to win, and then there's the editing team that just won for The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. That acceptance speech won't exactly go down in history as one of the best of all time.
9:26: More Scorsese love. I'd say it should it be a drinking game, but the women from Bridesmaids already made that joke during the Golden Globes last month.
9:35: I was not aware that it was Cirque Du Oscars tonight.
9:37: Seriously, what the hell is going on right now?
9:38: If someone could explain to me how any of this has anything to do with the movies being nominated tonight, that'd be great.
9:39: The standing ovation that the crowd just gave to the Cirque Du Soeil performance cheapens every other legitimate standing ovation that will deserve it, including Octavia Spencer.
9:42: Robert Downey Jr. just killed it. Absolutely awesome.
9:46: Chris Rock also just killed it.
9:48: Ah, finally, an explanation for the love of Hugo that makes sense to me.
9:52: Emma Stone is very happy to be here.
9:54: Emma Stone tried really really hard to make that bit work, but it wasn't quite right.
9:55: The visual effects guy from Hugo just claimed that he wasn't expecting the award. What the hell has he been doing the last hour and a half when Hugo won about five awards? Did he not think that might also happen to him?
9:58: I know I'm not the only one to say this, but Skinny Jonah Hill is weird to look at.
10:01: See, this standing ovation for Christopher Plummer is nice...but 22 minutes ago, the crowd gave a standing ovation for a Cirque Du Soleil performance. See how that cheapened all subsequent standing ovations?
10:05: So did Christopher Plummer get that standing ovation because of his performance, or because he had to wait until he was 82 before he won his first Oscar? Am I being cynical or realistic? You decide.
10:09: Oh, the President of the Academy speaks! Is he going with the boring speech route, or the funny/deprecation route?
10:11: Billy Crystal's response to the President's speech was amazing.
10:14: I find it difficult to watch Owen Wilson on screen without thinking that this guy who we all thought was a fun-loving dude was actually depressed to the point where he tried to commit suicide. Are we supposed to act like that never happened?
10:20: When did Angelina Jolie go from crazy to classy? Has she completed the transition yet?
10:29: I love that Woody Allen didn't show up because he's Woody Allen.
10:33: It's ironic that in these actor interviews on what makes a great movie, they decided it was appropriate to interview the guy who starred in Jack and Jill last year and received 11 Razzie nominations.
10:37: Milla Jovovich is trying very hard to look sultry while giving her monologue on camera.
10:39: So far, the only movie that I want to see more from watching the Oscars tonight is Bridesmaids.
10:41: Again, the only movie that I want to watch as a result of the Oscars tonight is Bridesmaids.
10:43: Seriously, Sandra Bullock's face...
10:46: That's definitely the most aggressively happy acceptance speech I've ever seen.
10:58: The lifetime Oscar recipients are rightfully receiving a standing ovation...except again, so did the guys who did a 3 minute Cirque Du Soleil performance. The standing ovation doesn't mean jack squat tonight.
11:16: I now want to watch The Descendants.
11:18: It would have been a lot more fun if Pitt or Clooney won, but I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen.
11:24: I have no clue what's going to happen in the Best Actress category. If the chick from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo wins, though, I'll be shocked.
11:27: Meryl Streep is such a good actress, it's hard to know if she's acting in real life. Is she really humble during all these accolades, or is she just acting humble while thinking "Yeah, I know I'm all that, but let me just show you why by acting like I don't know it".
11:30: See, this is why I wanted Meryl to win. You just knew she'd give a captivating speech.
11:35: I don't know what's winning Best Picture. I know Moneyball isn't going to win.
11:42: There were moments of brilliance during this year's Oscars (such as those interview segments with the various actors, Robert Downey Jr.), but also parts where things fell flat (the intro clip montage being the most notable has it showed its potential with the opening Clooney scene, but then it quickly fell off from there). A slightly mixed bag, but ultimately a pretty decent show. Not nearly as good as The Bachelor tomorrow night, though...