Monday, February 27, 2012

Bachelor Episode #9: Live Running Diary

I'm in a few fantasy baseball leagues - and my obsessive nature competitive streak means I spend the months of February and March preparing for them - and we had to find a draft date that worked for everyone.  In one of my leagues, it was suggested that we draft on Monday, March 26th.  At first, I panicked because my initial reaction to anything happening on Monday night is, "I can't because it's Bachelor night".  Then I was happy because there's only three episodes left this season (overnights this week, After the Final Rose next week, then the finale a week later).  And then I was sad because there's only three episodes left this season.

7:09: In case you missed it, I needed a break from my fantasy baseball rankings last night and did a running blog of the Oscars last night.  If my review was a little more snarky and bitter than usual, it's because watching pretentious people congratulate themselves for three hours with isn't the most enjoyable thing in the world.  I'm happy that I'm back where I belong - watching the melodramatic insanity that is The Bachelor.

7:48: I'm intrigued to see how Ben's family will react to Courtney The Model (CTM).  Possible responses include "This is a joke, right?", "Why does she keep on doing that twitching thing with her lips?", and "Please tell me she's not already carrying your unborn child".

7:56: In case you missed it, CTM's fake wedding vows were stolen from Sex and the City.  CTM had me totally fooled.  Never again, crazy one.  Never again.

8:00: Here we go!

8:02: There's not a chance in hell that Ben is only packing one small suitcase to spend a week in Switzerland.

8:03: Just once, I want to see an actual casual clip of Ben - not this fake casual clip of him looking out of the plane window.  Where's the clip of him passed out on the plane with drooling down his chin?

8:06: How the hell is CTM "nerdy" in any way?

8:07: Where did Ben's red suitcase come from?  We didn't see him check in with that bag!  This show is fake!  I demand a refund.

8:08: In case you forgot, here's my prediction from Episode #4: "CTM makes it to the overnight date so Ben gets to boink her, but she doesn't get chosen because that's all Ben ultimately wants from her."  Somewhere in Edmonton, Mysteries is hoping this is true since she's had enough of Wartney.

8:14: It looks cold in Switzerland.

8:15: I swear that The Bachelor got some kind of bulk discount for their helicopter use this season.

8:15: I want to go to Switzerland.

8:16: Ben just used "wild ride" and "taken to new heights" to describe his relationship with Nicki.  Nobody will ever convince me that a producer didn't write those lines for him.

8:18: Nicki's mic pack on her back makes it look like she's a hunchback from the camera shot from behind.

8:19: I'm afraid of heights.  Standing on top of that peak would definitely freak me out.

8:20: Ben tells us he "hopes Nicki accepts the overnight date because..." and I swear I half-expected him to finish the sentence with "...I want to finally see those puppies in all their glory."

8:23: Switzerland is trending on Twitter in the U.S.

8:25: Did Nicki and Ben just exchange the awkward boy/girl high five?  That doesn't bode well for Nicki.

8:26: I just realized that the meet the family day occurs on the finale, in which case we might not actually see CTM meet Ben's family.  I'm half-excited, half-disappointed about that prospect.

8:27: Black nail polish.  Living on the edge, Nicki.

8:29: The drinking game thus far tonight is Ben's father.

8:30: Hot tub!  Nicki in a hot tub!  Nicki in a bra in a hot tub!  These are all things that deserve exclamation marks!

8:34: Surprisingly, #hottubheaven is not trending on Twitter right now.

8:36: Ben asked Lindzi where her jacket was.  I was hoping she'd respond with, "I don't need one because I'm hot for you."  She did not.  I was disappointed.

8:39: That's a lot of "Ohmygod!"s from Lindzi.  Somewhere, Kacie B's dad is not happy about this.

8:41: Ben's putting on a hot tub clinic tonight.

8:48:What's with Lindzi's hair?  Why is it all over the place?

8:51: For Ben, Lindzi > Nicki.  Clearly.

8:53: Wait, was Ben wearing that bow tie the entire date?

8:54: The girl from the Harvey's commercial looks like Maria Sharapova.  I never see girls like her at Harvey's.

8:58: I don't know if you can tell, but it's pretty obvious to me who was there to talk to Ben in those preview clips for later on this episode.

9:00: I want to reiterate that Switzerland is now officially one of my desired vacation destinations.  This was not the case at 7:59 PM.

9:02: "Hey cow" sounds like a really frustrating game.

9:04: Uh oh.  CTM is sucking me back in with her tears.  I promised not to let her fool me again, but there's no way she's that good of an actress, right?

9:05: Let's put it another way - she's either being genuine, or she's using this show as an open audition for all of Hollywood to see.

9:06: Wait a minute.  That makes total sense.  She's using her interview tears as an open audition for all of Hollywood to see!

9:13: Courtney read the card like a presenter/host.  She used the fantasy suite card as part of her Hollywood audition!

9:14: Courtney says, "We're going to have so much fun tonight."  Translation: they're going to boink like bunnies.

9:15: The hot tub industry is thanking the producers for tonight.

9:17: Emily's season of The Bachelorette is going to get amazing ratings.  There's no way that every single female watcher of The Bachelor won't watch and cheer her on.  Emily is what every woman wishes to see herselves at.  Of course, not many are actually like her, but that's a different issue...

9:20: Promotional consideration provided by Titanic: 3D.

9:25: I'd recognize that southern drawl anywhere.

9:27: Poor Kacie.  So sweet, so innocent, yet so clueless.

9:28: Translation - "Your family freaked me out."

9:30: Tremendous use of the simple piano music during this moment.  The sound guys on this show never disappoint.

9:33: Oh Kacie...

9:34: Kacie, what do you mean you don't know if you'll ever see Ben again?  Do you not realize that that's the entire point of After the Final Rose?

9:38: There's a 100% chance that I'm going to mention Switzerland at work as much as possible tomorrow and see how many people pick up on it so that I can start a conversation about The Bachelor.

9:39: Chris Harrison time.  He'll get to the heart of the matter.

9:40: I wish Chris Harrison could talk to me about my life.  I'm sure that our conversation would lead to insights that I hadn't thought of before.

9:41: Chris Harrison is putting on a knowing head nod clinic right now.

9:43: I think that we now know why Ben's Twitter page bio has that last line.

9:44: The ice cream I used to eat while watching The Bachelor/ette/Pad was Chapman's.  They just ran an ad for Chapman's.  I now want Chapman's ice cream.  Well played, Chapman's, well played.

9:46: I like how Chris Harrison is doing the one-by-one individual escort of the ladies to the rose ceremony.

9:47: Is Lindzi wearing less makeup than we've regularly seen, or is that just me?  And by less, I mean a somewhat normal amount for any other person.

9:51: Nicki was such an underdog and I knew she wouldn't win, but I still couldn't help but be on Team Nicki.

9:53: Slowest.  Limo.  Exit.  Ever.

9:57: If I don't get some quality Casey time next week, I'm going to be all kinds of upset.  I need me some FMC!  And also FMC v2.0 (Jamie) and FMC v3.0 (Nicki)...

10:00: I'm both disappointed that CTM made it to the end, but also intrigued as to how his family will react to meeting her.  But After the Final Rose should be awesome with all sorts of awesome loose storylines to tie up, what with Kacie and her dramatic exit and surprise return, Nicki, Casey and her meltdown, Shawntel and the women's vitriolic reaction to her, Blakely and her scrapbook, Samantha's sudden departure, Jenna (remember crazy insecure Jenna?), and possibly even CTM if she makes an appearance.  It should be awesome.

10:01: Isn't Hans a German name?

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