I'm excited for hometown dates this week, which would be referred to as the "I'm asking for permission to marry your daughter after knowing her for all of two months, but just know there's a 50% chance I'm going to sleep with your daughter and dump her afterwards, a 25% chance that I dump your daughter this week, and a 25% chance that we'll be engaged for a year before we break up and your daughter's face is on the cover on People magazine" episode if the name weren't so long.
Courtney The Model (CTM) controversially stayed on the show last week, so I'm excited to meet her parents. Are they normal or crazy like her? Will they vaguely reference her insanity ("I'm sure you know how she gets sometimes!", "She's a handful, isn't she?", "That's just Courtney being Courtney", and "She's a free spirit" are all in play this week) or are they oblivious?
Speaking of CTM, my friends Mysteries and her husband, The Dings, watch the show together and The Dings sent me a message letting me know that Mysteries has decided to refer to CTM as "Wartney". I asked for an explanation since I didn't see any warts on CTM. The response: "I don't like Warts and I don't like Courtney." Anytime a person comes up with something as brilliant as that, it's obvious I must update the Cast of Characters. Therefore, I'm welcoming Mysteries and The Dings, also known as The Tramandous Couple, as official characters of The Chantastic Blog.
And finally, in honor of the departed but not forgotten FMC, Casey, I ask that each of you take a moment to read the first paragraph under "Top Scorers" in this Grantland article. The only explanation that makes sense is that Ben loves brunettes since the only girl remaining who isn't a brunette is Lindzi, who is a dirty blonde. Not that I'm making any judgments about guys who have a preference for hair color...
7:35: Chris Harrison just sent out an ominous tweet about tonight's episode.
7:55: I'm excited to find out what Chris Harrison meant.
8:01: I also forgot that we get to judge and guess the wealth of each bachelorette's family this week. Nobody loves judging people based off of what they see TV more than me.
8:02: Does Linzi's family have their very own horse track?!
8:03: Is it just me, or is Lindzi's left dimple even more noticeable than usual tonight?
8:04: Easy observation about Lindzi's family: Horses = Money. You never see poor kids riding horses growing up. Lindzi's family is going to be either rich, wealthy, or absurdly wealthy.
8:07: Devon is totally going to be "the other guy" if Ben and Lindzi ever get married.
8:11: Over/under: 10 acres for Lindzi's parents' ranch/farm. I'm taking the over, and I don't even know how big an acre is.
8:13: Horse racing! I'm Asian, hence I love horse racing!
8:17: Lindzi's family is absolutely killing it right now. If I were to grade them, they'd get an A+.
8:18: I've just decided to grade each of the families. A+ is pretty much defined by Lindzi's parents. F is a family that would cause someone not to marry the girl, no matter how amazing the girl is.
8:22: If I were a betting man, I'd bet that Lindzi's family will end up easily being the wealthiest among the final four.
8:25: Extremely awkward shot of Kacie walking along the field...
8:26: Ah, so that's why she is walking awkwardly. She's just about to do something ridiculously awkward...like walking down a football field behind a marching band while twirling a baton.
8:27: Remember when I said that Needy Kacie (NK) was a little too into Ben? The greeting she just gave Ben was completely over the top. The problem is that she's too sweet to be faking it, so her overenthusiastic greeting was actually genuine. That would freak me out, and it probably freaked Ben out. I stick by my theory that NK's neediness will be heard from before all is said and done.
8:34: NK's sister is smoking hot.
8:36: I take that last statement back. Apparently you shouldn't make bold proclamations off of a half second of camera time.
8:38: What's with the shaky camera work during the conversation with NK's dad? I feel like I'm watching The Blair Witch Project.
8:40: Something tells me that NK's mom won't be a fan of the fantasy suites on next week's episode if NK makes it through to next week.
8:42: NK's dad is being the voice of reason. On a show that is filled with insanity, logic comes across as weird.
8:44: NK's claims that she hasn't rushed anything, including her feelings for Ben, is patently absurd. Really, Kacie? You don't remember yourself saying 5 minutes into the second episode of the season, "This could be the first date with the man I hope to marry"? You don't think that might have been jumping the gun a bit?
8:49: NK's parents get a B-.
8:50: Also, NK's family is the definition of middle class.
8:51: That's a lot of boots.
8:52: I'm a huge fan of sliding drinks across the bar.
8:54: Nicki doesn't understand that the reason she was kept on was the bikini top she was wearing last episode. She's gotta remind him of everything she has to offer. Unleash the puppies, Nicki, unleash the puppies!
8:56: I may or may not have other incentives for wanting Nicki to put on a gun show.
8:59: Brick house = Nicki's family is definitely upper middle class. Lock it down.
9:03: Nicki's dad is tearing up. Nicki's dad is taking ownership of his daughter's failed marriage even though it ultimately had nothing to do with him. Nicki's dad is a heck of a guy.
9:05: I want the real FMC's dad to be like Nicki's dad.
9:08: Did you catch the cute little "real" moment as Ben was leaving? Nicki was leaving, and her dad asked innocently, "Are you coming back in afterwards?" since he has no real clue how the show works, and whether she would be going off with Ben for the night. She said yes, her dad chuckled, and closed the door. A nothing moment, and yet a real moment that says everything about Nicki's dad. Just a solid dude who wants to take care of his daughter.
9:11: Nicki's family gets an A. The only thing that prevents an A+ is her parents are divorced, and that has the potential for drama.
9:13: Courtney The Model (CTM) is somewhere between middle class and upper middle class. Her family isn't quite as wealthy as Nicki's since they live in a bungalow, but it's a spacious bungalow with a neatly trimmed backyard and a pool. Also, her dad's sweater vest screams that range.
9:17: CTM's mom is without a doubt the reason why CTM is the way she is.
9:19: CTM's dad seems like a decent guy - not afraid to tell it like it is, but also not afraid to break the tension with a joke or two. He understands how to read a person's body language and to diffuse a situation, such as putting Ben at ease with a simple joke. CTM is not like this at all.
9:21: CTM's mom, however, is the opposite. Just a lot of superficial "You seem happy", "You look so beautiful, Mom" back and forth talk that doesn't really go any deeper. That works for CTM's mom because she's probably had everything handed to her or given to her in life and probably never had to deal with much hardship, but it doesn't work with CTM because she doesn't have the sweetness to get away with it. Since CTM's mom likely pampered CTM the way that she herself was pampered, CTM walks around with a sense of entitlement since she was given everything growing up. However, once in the real world, she still acts with that air of entitlement even though she's done nothing to deserve it. This is how CTM is a direct result of her mom. And that, my friends, is how you judge someone based off of ten minutes of airtime.
9:27: CTM seems a lot less insane and a lot more vulnerable this week. And by vulnerable, I mean really really really vulnerable.
9:28: The person we saw today wasn't CTM or Wartney. We finally met Courtney. Vulnerable, scared, timid, fidgety Courtney.
9:30: Courtney's family gets a B.
9:32: Chris Harrison interview time. Let's see how many shots of him head nodding we get.
9:37: Did you notice how scared and fidgety was when Courtney was reciting her vows? Not even Courtney can fake that.
9:38: Prediction: Nicki or NK are going home.
9:39: If Nicki goes home, it's because her relationship isn't as developed as everyone else's. If NK goes home, it's because she's a little too needy, and her parents were a little too conservative, making Ben realize that they're a lot more different in the real, non-one-continual-vacation world.
9:42: Official prediction: NK is going home, simply because Ben seemed very upset during his deliberations. The only reason he would be this upset is because he knows he's about to devastate someone. Nicki will be able to handle it with some tears. NK won't handle this well at all. That's why Ben feels so bad about this round.
9:42: And yes, I assumed that Lindzi and CTM are locks.
9:44: Tears in 3...2...
9:45: I know this show too well.
9:45: Ben: "It breaks my heart." We could tell, Ben, we could tell. That's why we knew who you were sending home.
9:47: Here comes the ugly cry...
9:50: In the end, Needy Kacie's neediness, among other things, did her in. I don't want to be the guy that says "I told you so"...wait a minute. I'm totally that guy. I told you so.
9:51: I got chills when they showed that helicopter shot of Switzerland. Wow.
9:52: Why are producers inviting Ashley back to do anything? Do they not realize that her season made all of us want to collectively poke our eyes? That she sucked the life out of every episode? That her insecurity slowly but surely sucked the life out of the show, tear by insecure tear? I have no desire to see her ever again on TV. Somewhere, I bet G-Unit agrees with me.
9:55: That scene during the credits was pretty awesome.
9:58: Not too many surprises tonight. I think Casey's ugly cry was uglier than Kacie's ugly cry. I can't wait to see the dramatic scene they showed in the trailer for next week.