Monday, March 12, 2012

Bachelor Season Finale: Live Running Diary

It's the season finale tonight and I'm excited.  Very excited.  And not only because I want to see if Lindzi's tears will lead to the most makeup-stained tears in the history of reality television (though if you weren't thinking about it before, you'll definitely be on the lookout now).  And not only because I want to see the most villainous person in Bachelor history (Vienna is not even in her league) inevitably receive the final rose.  No, the reason why I'm excited is because your favorite host and mine, Chris Harrison, has been sending out ominous Tweets since last night.  Such as this.  And this.  Something's gong down tonight, and it's going to be epic.

Another reason why I'm excited?  Because I saw this online the other day:

It'll be such a great story to tell our grandchildren one day: "Remember when I found out you were single and put it on my blog, and you read it, and then read how much I adored you, and that totally creeped you out, and you had to get a restraining order, but then eventually you realized that you should give me a chance?"  If that's not true love, I don't know what is.

7:07: You know what I'm not excited for?  Seeing Ashley on TV again.

7:08: As you may have guessed, I follow Chris Harrison on Twitter, which is how I find out about future must see TV moments like this.

7:57: 3 minutes!

8:00: Over/under: 7 minutes of recaps to kick off the show.

8:03: Only two minutes of recaps.  Shocking!

8:06: Chris Harrison just said that this is "the most controversial finale of The Bachelor."  Keep in mind, we had a season where the guy dumped the girl he chose for the other finalist on After the Final Rose.  So either Chris Harrison is lying or we're in store for some epic television tonight.  And Chris Harrison doesn't lie.

8:14: Is Lindzi wearing less makeup tonight or is it just me?

8:15: I've been the nervous cutlery-dropping guy before, but in a dinner interview situation.  Not fun.

8:19: Ben's sister is all kinds of awesome.  First, getting the sneaky inside scoop on Courtney from Lindzi.  And then doing a double-take/eye roll after finding out she's "Courtney the Model".

8:21: "She's a model?!  C'mon, Ben."  Classic.

8:25: I'm no TV producer, but how exactly is tonight's show going to work?  Lindzi's segment was 20 minutes, so it'll be 8:45 by the time Courtney's done visiting with Ben's family.  What they hell are they doing for the next hour and fifteen minutes?

8:27: I love watching Courtney put the Courtney spin on history.  It's amazing to watch.  Like watching Michael Jordan play basketball - just a magician working her magic.

8:29: Notice that Lindzi was speaking with Ben's family.  Courtney is speaking at Ben's family.

8:30: Oh no, Julia!  Oh no!  You've been sucked in!

8:31: It's 8:31.  Let's assume the last half hour is for the proposal/rejection.  What the hell is happening over the next hour?    They can't possibly be doing a Chris Harrison interview with Ben for an hour, can they?

8:32: I'm not complaining if there's an hour of Chris Harrison, by the way.  Step aside, Jeff Probst.  He's the best reality TV host.

8:34: I'm totally watching American Reunion.

8:37: Ben's mom likes using the word "accomplished".

8:38: Notice that Ben is discussing Lindzi's merits with the family, but Ben was almost trying to convince them when it came to Courtney.  "She has depth to her.  You saw that, right?"  Actual quote from Ben to his mom.

8;39: What?  There's two more dates?  C'mon.  We all know he's choosing Courtney.  There's no need to pretend for the next 45 minutes, Ben.

8:40: You probably noticed that I didn't have much to say for the first 20 minutes of the show tonight.  That Popeyes Chicken wasn't going to eat itself, you know.  At least give me credit for eating fried chicken, watching the show, and blogging while not getting any glorious chicken grease on my laptop.

8:42: By the way, if you had a pool going on when the first mention of Ben's dad would be, it was at 8:38.

8:45: Poor Lindzi.  She has no idea that she has absolutely no chance of receiving the final rose.

8:46: Carriage cam!

8:47: Picnic on a gondola is pretty epic.

8:49: "Since your hometown, you've been more open, yeah."  What happened after hometown dates?  Fantasy suites.  So here's the translation: We hooked up, so yeah, you've been more open.

8:51: "...when he proposes to me...."  Oh no, Lindzi.  Oh no.

8:56: Ben is thanking Lindzi.  You know what someone doesn't do before they propose to them?  Thank them.  No, the only reason Ben would thank someone on the show is to say "Thanks for the good times, but...".

9:00: Lindzi just said "I know you can't say anything" just before she told Ben she loved him, and then Ben said the same thing a bit later.  Is there a rule where the producers have told The Bachelor that he can't say that he loves them?

9:01: Just tremendous use of background music by the sound editing team on the show as usual.

9:03: This is how amazingly good Courtney is at always putting herself in a position of power: even when Ben isn't around, she manages to put herself in the position of power between the two of them.  During the preview clip of their date, she says, "I'm terrified that Ben's going to do to me what Ashley did to him."  Not, "I'm afraid of Ben not choosing me" or "I'm terrified that Ben will choose Lindzi."  No no, that gives Ben the upper hand.  So instead, she puts him down by mentioning Ashley.  The best part is that this happens in an interview so Ben isn't even around to hear it.

9:06: Yet another one of Courtney's many Jedi mind tricks: Courtney and Ben meet for their date.  Ben walks towards Courtney.  Courtney just stands there and waits for Ben to come to her, and only starts walking when he's ten feet away.  No another girl does this.

9:08: How many episodes in a row has a helicopter been involved?

9:09: I just had to Wikipedia the Matterhorn to see what the big deal was with it.  Apparently it's an "iconic emblem of the Swiss Alps".  Well then.

9:11: Oh, c'mon Ben.  Don't tell us you're "confused".  The only confusion you have is whether to get down on your left knee or your right when you propose to Courtney.

9:16: Just throwing this out there, but it's been at least two episodes since we've seen Courtney's signature pouty mouth move.

9:18: What are the chances that Courtney made the scrapbook by herself, and what are the chances that she told a producer what she wanted and made them do it?

9:19: When did it become OK for people to sign with just a letter?  It's slowly happened more and more frequently over the years, and I don't know what led us to this point.  Is it really that hard to write your full name?  And also, why is it only girls who do this?  How come I've yet to receive an e-mail from a guy with just an initial?  Would it be weird to sign my e-mails with only an "S"?  These are the things I think about.

9:24: Courtney is a total master of Ben.  One minute, things are going well.  Then she's reading a love letter.  And then all of a sudden she's scared.  And now she's crying.  Ben doesn't know whether she's coming or going, and thus always feels like he must win her over instead of the other way around.  Courtney is a genius.

9:27: Fuzzy camera slow mo video montage time!

9:28: Ben talking about Lindzi: "She just has this glow about her."  Yes Ben, but that glow is from her makeup.

9:29: Lindzi without makeup!  Lindzi without makeup!  Note that they only shot her from her right when she was makeup-less, thus hiding the blemish on the left side of her chin.

9:31: Neil Lane blatant promotion time!

9:32: I like how Neil Lane called Ben out on it being the second time they had met.

9:33: That's some bling there, Neil.  But I've seen better in person.

9:34: It's fitting that both women are wearing black dresses to meet Ben.

9:35: The background for this scene is ridiculous.  Idyllic is the perfect word to describe it.

9:36: I wonder what would happen if I told my boss that I was going to be on The Bachelor Canada and needed to take a two month sabbatical from work.  And then take some time off for media appearances afterwards.

9:39: Speaking of work, someone just e-mailed me at 9 PM.  Don't they know that it's The Bachelor finale?

9:40: First girl out means she's getting sent home.  I read somewhere that it's because they save the girl he's going to choose for last to get the sunset shot as he proposes.  There's way too much daylight right now.

9:43: Oh, Lindzi just realized what's about to happen.  Except it's not happening for another two minutes.

9:45: Lindzi is putting up an amazing front right now.  Not a tear.  Not a tremble.  It's pretty impressive, actually.

9:46: "And if things don't work out, call me?"  I've never heard that at the finale before.

9:47: I'm giving Lindzi all the credit in the world for keeping it together until the interview/helicopter.  And even then, it was kinda majestic the way she broke down.

9:51: Think we get a signature Courtney lip pout when Ben gets down on one knee?

9:51: By the way, I have yet to see anything that I would call "the most controversial finale in Bachelor history", Chris Harrison.  But I trust you, Chris Harrison, I trust you.

9:53: FYI, "Lindzi" is trending on Twitter in the U.S. right now.

9:55: Some interesting black leather gloves on Courtney.

10:01: "You're my forever...", "I'll love you forever...".  And in the world of reality TV time, I think "forever" might last about an hour.  As in, I'm not entirely convinced that they'll still be together on After the Final Rose.  Especially considering that nothing about this finale has been "controversial" in the least.  I still believe in what you promised me, Chris Harrison.

10:02: Oh, it's about to get real.

10:02: As G-Unit and I always like to say, Chris Harrison, you don't need to introduce yourself.  We all know who you are.

10:04: Goateed Ben in the hizzie!

10:10: Who's idea do you think it was to try on wedding dresses to divert attention away from Ben's tabloid photos?  Ben, or the Evil Genius?  C'mon, we all know that has Courtney written all over it.

10:14: Chris Harrison, you're awesome, but nobody is "reeling" from Lindzi being rejected and Courtney being chosen.  You're only "reeling" when something shocking happens.  Nobody was shocked by what happened.

10:20: Wow, are they not even going to bring out Lindzi?  I guess nobody really cares about her...

10:26: Chris Harrison is doing a masterful job of asking the questions we want answered.

10:35: It's fun to watch them watch their proposal.

10:38: Interesting that when they cut back to the audience from the clip of the proposal, there was no clapping from the audience.  Remember, the audience clapped for when they came back from a clip of Nicki getting sent home.

10:39: Ben with some man-tears.  He's keepin' it real.

10:40: Where's the "Neil Lane" on the ring box?

10:41: Ashley and JP are not "one of our most beloved Bachelorette couples".  You know why?  Because we all hated Ashley's season as she slowly devolved into an insecure mess.  So let's not pretend like that didn't happen.

10:51: Chris Harrison on Ashley and JP: "You're one of our favorite couples."  Let's keep in mind that there are only four couples still together from the Bachelor franchise: Trista & Ryan, Jason & Molly, Ashley & JP, and...Ben & Courtney.  Ben & Courtney...not one of America's favorite couples.  So by definition, Ashley & JP must be one of the favorite couples since there are only three couples in the running.

10:54: Chris Harrison as the minister would be only way that I would watch Ashley & JP's wedding.

10:55: Chris Harrison uses the same joke for possible baby names that I use!

10:59: And with that ends the greatest Bachelor season I have watched.  Ever.  I haven't watched all of them, but this one definitely was the best by far.  I look forward to May 14th when Mother Teresa Emily begins as The Bachelorette.  It's been a blast, but now it's time to bid adieu to the most Chantastic show on television. Until next time...

11:01: Late breaking news - you might see me on reality TV this summer!

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