Monday, June 11, 2012

The Bachelorette: Episode #5

Who's fired up about Emily (finally) getting fired up about something this season?  I sure am.  We're five episodes in, and I'm getting very tired of playing "Who's your daddy?" every week.  As I said last week, my prediction is that Kalon will be on the receiving end of Emily's wrath.

7:58: I want to credit G-Unit about the possibility of Ali's ex, Bobbo, becoming the next Bachelor.  I think he'd be pretty good.

8:01: I'm really excited for feisty swearing Emily.

8:02: What happened to Emily's voice?  Why is it so raspy today?

8:03: "Only one of you will become Emily's husband."  Hooooold on there, Chris Harrison.  Have you seen how many couples from The Bachelor franchise have actually gotten married?  Exactly one - Trista and Ryan.  Sorry, Jason and Molly does not count.

8:05: Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette gets the first one-on-one date.  I wonder when he'll reveal the fact that he's a cyborg to Emily.

8:09: "He's so sweet, he's so cute..."  Emily, it's almost like you're saying Sean is too good to be true, like he was a cyborg specially designed for The Bachelorette.

8:11: Sign #1 that Kalon is going to be that guy tonight...

8:14: Good thing that Sean had the soliloquy program installed before he left the U.S.

8:16: By the way, some of you have been leaving comments after each episode's blog (such as last week), which is fanChantastic.  However, nobody has left their name or even initials, so I have no clue who's been leaving these comments.  As a result, I have no choice but to guess who is leaving them.  Last week, for example, there were two comments.  Not sure who the first person was, but I'm pretty sure where the second comment came from.  Those type of positive, encouraging comments can only come from one person I know: Oprah.

8:20: Seriously, they need to address Emily's raspy voice at some point tonight.

8:21: Whoever was in the peanut gallery commenting on each name announced on the group date was probably the same guy who drunkenly yelled out "Christoper!" when Chris Harrison entered the room last week.  And whoever that guy is, he's awesome.

8:25: Hell, I think I'm falling in love with Sean right now.  Such is the power of The Cyborg.

8:29: Finally, they acknowledge that Emily was sick.

8:30: The guy who makes his living flying around a racetrack at 200 miles per hour is "terrified" of auditioning for a play.

8:31: Yes, Travis.  More of this.

8:36: My prediction: Kalon and Alejandro don't make the cut tonight.

8:37: The guy who makes his living driving around a racetrack in front of thousands of fans doesn't like being the centre of attention.

8:41: If you didn't notice, they don't show any panning shots of the crowd.  Which means that their audience is about 30 people.

8:42: Is Kalon trying to win Emily's heart, or is he auditioning for Hollywood right now?

8:43: Yeah, Arie, you sure don't like being the centre of attention.

8:48: By the way, either Emily is the best dater in the history of the human race or these guys have not lived very exciting lives.  How can multiple guys have already called their dates with Emily the best day of their lives?  When I think of the best day of my life, I think of my graduation(s).  I think of the time when I scored the tying goal with less than 5 seconds left in a ball hockey league playoff finals that we would in overtime.  I think of my baseball city championship game when I was 16, when we were down 6-0 in the bottom of the second inning against a dominant pitcher, and I crushed a ball 300+ feet to the opposite field for a triple to start a rally in a game we would eventually win 7-6 (yes, that at-bat is still clear in my head over a dozen years later - I can tell you just about everything that happened on those three pitches, including how I set up the pitcher).  Then again, I've never been on a date with Emily...

8:52: Ryan is reading way too much in his acting kiss.

8:53: I love how they started playing porn music as soon as Ryan closed the curtain.  I've said it once, I'll say it again.  Best sound editors in the business.

8:54: Sign #2 that Kalon is that guy...

8:55: Caaaaaaaaaalled it!

8:56: I like how Emily is thinking of the "most lady-like" response to Kalon.  Oh, Emily.  You never cease to amaze.

8:57: You want to what his ass, Emily?  I'm sorry, but you just can't pull that line off.

9:00: According to Emily's Twitter feed, the phrase is to go "straight up backwoods West Virginia on his ass".

9:01: Here we go - fireworks time!

9:03: You go, girl.

9:08: Possible turning point in the season.  It just got real.

9:13: I'll take the vanilla milkshake I had with dinner over afternoon tea any day of the week, twice on Saturdays.

9:15: Jean is serious about her bid'ness.  Not messing around.

9:16: Fish and chips - my fave!

9:17: Now I want fish and chips.

9:18: You can't read Jef with one F because you're distracted by his hair.

9:19: By the way, if you don't think that Ricki will be taunted with a "Baggage" nickanme by other girls at school when she's in junior high or high school, you're deluding yourself.  It's going to happen.  That's Kalon's lasting legacy.

9:26: I want to start using "West Virginia" as a verb.

9:28: Emily and Jef with one F are having a gentle-and-soft-spoken-off on this date right now.

9:30: I was trying to figure out why Jef with one F's attitude seemed so familiar, and why I liked him so much.  And then it struck me.  Jef with one F is a lot like Ames.  Oh Ames.  How I miss you, your lovable awkward charm, and your ridiculous red pants.

9:34: One of the guys just said it got real last night.  I am absolutely calling everything on this show right now.

9:39: Arie shouldn't have told Chris and Jef with one F about his conversation with Emily, if only because it alerts Chris to the interrogation that he might also experience before the rose ceremony.

9:40: Ryan is so ridiculous.

9:42: *Commence Program Heart Flutter*

9:43: *Program Heart Flutter successfully engaged*

9:47: I stick with my call of Alejandro going home.

9:48: I like how Ryan The Guy With The Ginormous Neck is wearing a scarf that hides his ginormous neck.

9:49: Seriously, when do we get an explanation on John's "Wolf" nickname?  They can't put that as his name and not explain it, right?

9:50: I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm absolutely killing it right now.

9:55: Nice, more drama next week.  It looks like I might be right - the Kalon incident could be a turning point in the season.

9:57: Since I've called everything else on this show, I'll try to predict what they'll put as the closing credits humour piece. It's a toss up between more unbearable Jean or a funny moment in the London Eye.  I'm going with the London Eye.

10:00: Ah, dammit.  Should have known it was Ryan doing Ryan things.

10:04: An excellent episode.  It looks like we've permanently left Boring Emily behind.  ForRealz Emily is in da house!

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