Thursday, January 03, 2013

2013 Bachelor Preview

The Bachelor is back and so is the running blog!  I'll be here live blogging away every Monday until I run out of sarcasm.  But before that happens, we should take a look at the bachelorette bios that ABC has posted.  I must say, I'm a bit disappointed in ABC.  First of all, there is no tattoo locator on the bio page this year, so there won't be any "I'm too ashamed to say where my tattoos are, so I'm just going to say that my tattoos lie in 'various locations'" answers like last year.  Second, ABC has put up both individual bio pages, and a "bachelorette cheat sheet".  Now, you would think that the cheat sheet would just summarize the information from the individual bio pages, and that they would not contain any new information.  You, of course, would be wrong.  The cheat sheet tells us yay/nay on tattoos, engaged/married/kids, college graduate, and pet ownership, as well as a scale for neat/tidy, longest relationship, and "time needed for a date".  Meanwhile, the individual bio page follows the typical three question format.  Needless to say, it'd be a pain in the ass to toggle back and forth to get all the information.  Fortunately for you, I'm here to tell you what's important about each bachelorette.  Now let's go pass judgement on 25 women!

Amanda: Amanda works as a "fit model".  I assumed this was slang for a fitness model, but Wikipedia explained to me what a fit model really does, which is "effectively acting as a live mannequin".  No doubt that her college degree is in the fine art of live-mannequining, working under the tutelage of Jeff Hyslop.

Ashlee: On one part of the ABC bio page, the "L" is capitalized.  On another, it is not.  I need to know if she has a ridiculous name.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
Adele, I want to hear her story behind her music. Then I'd have her sing to me the rest of lunch.

I'm pretty sure if you wanted to hear the story behind Adele's music, a Google search would solve your problems.  And it's not like "Someone Like You" is a song full of metaphors.  Spoiler alert, but here is the "story" that AshLee wants Adele to tell her: She had a boyfriend.  They broke up.  He moved on.  Now she must move on.  The end.

Ashley H:
What are your favorite foods?
Anything prepared with organic products; but I love everything!

So to summarize, her favorite food is anything organic.  But she loves everything.  (But preferably organic.)

In other news, the "Someone Like You" just stopped playing in the background on my computer.

Ashley P:
What is a typical Saturday night like for you?
Going out with my best friends and their fiances/husbands. Whoever/whatever. My 2 closest GF's all do dinner and get ready together.

Nothing more fun than being the fifth wheel on a double date!

Do you condier yourself a romantic and why?
Yes! extremely I wear my <3 on my sleeve and tend to let my emotions rule over my head and romantic attention (I am a Leo).

First of all, someone at ABC needs to be fired for that attempt at spelling "consider".  That's a disgrace to the high standards of The Bachelor franchise.  Second, you really couldn't spell out the word "heart", Ashley?  Really?  Those extra three characters too much for you to punch into a keyboard?

Brooke: I can't remember the last time they had an African-American bachelorette on the show.  In the likely event that I'll say something very inappropriate, it's best just to leave this one alone and move on.

Catherine: Below is Catherine's entire Q&A.

Who do you admire most in the world and why?
Anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others. Giving more than they may have. They are an example for us all.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Absolutely. Love is the best and expressing it to someone is so special.
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list, and why?
To eat traditional pasta in Italy, to go skiing in the Alps, and to ride an elephant in Thailand. 

I would like to visit Catherine someday because she lives in a world full of rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns.

Daniella: She lists her height as 5'7.5".  Not 5'7".  She insists on making sure you know about that extra half-inch.

What is your favorite all-time book and why?
"Eat, Pray, Love" because it's a personal journey of overcoming and finding love and happiness along the way.

Please refer to my thoughts on Amber B last year regarding EPL.

Diana: She is 31, has a college degree, has been married before, and her longest relationship was 8 years.  If you do the math, she probably married her college and/or high school sweetheart.  I'll take "Emotional Baggage With Some Vulnerability" for $1000, Alex.

Jackie: Actual Q&A from her bio page, presented without comment below:

What is your most embarrassing moment?
I'm pretty clumsy so I fall a lot. I had my blood taken once and was blacking out while my mom was taking me back to the car. Apparently I started screaming and sat down on what I thought was a chair in the waiting room, no chair just an old lady!!!

Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I don't mind attention being on me but I maintain an air of mystery, I think. I don't share everything with everyone.

In other words, Katie is going to be the girl that nobody in the house likes because she doesn't talk to anyone.

Who do you admire most in the world and why?
Anyone who can live their lives without caring what anyone else thinks. That's a huge thing I'm working through right now.
What is your favorite all-time book and why? 
"Sassy, Single, and Satisfied" - it's a book about loving who you are first and foremost so you can cultivate the best in all your relationships.

Translation: Kelly has insecurity issues.  Also, there's no way those are real.

Keriann: In the interests of full disclosure, the Grantland Reality TV podcast has already gone through the bachelorette bios, and I have listened to it (it's well worth your 15 minutes to listen to the Bachelor portion at the beginning).  I've tried my best to not duplicate any of their thoughts on here, but sometimes, you can't outdo the great Dave Jacoby in summarizing a bachelorette's bio.

What is your greatest achievement to date?
Going back to college...I moved to a new state, made new friends, had multiple jobs and had a blast while keeping an honors scholarship, high GPA and finishing with a degree in 4 years!

Jacoby's take: "Going back (to college) at all is her greatest achievement to date.  I think that screams 'waitress' more than her appearance."

Kristy: To piggyback on the Grantland Reality TV podcast, Kristy is definitely a favorite to win.  However, I feel like if you stare at her picture long enough, lasers will come shooting out of her eyeballs.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Recently yes! I would choose to stay in & cook and be romantic with a boy then go out and socialize with others. i would love to take a romantic trip with someone.

Lacey is 24, her longest relationship was one year max if I'm eyeballing the scale on the cheat sheet correctly, she uses the phrase "be romantic with a boy", and it sounds like she's never been on a romantic trip in her life.  So basically, Lacey is like a teenage girl.

Lauren: Finally, someone who might qualify for FMC status!

Lesley: Watch this clip.  I am all in on Lesley.  FMC for sure.

Leslie: Is this another African-American on the show?  It's almost like the producers of the show were sued for being too white...

Lindsay: Definitely a fan of her.  We are on an FMC run!

What is the most romantic present you have given? Why?
I made my ex-boyfriend a drawing book when he studied abroad becauese he loves to draw. He loved it!

I want to know everything about this drawing book.  Isn't a drawing book just a book of blank pages?  Or is it an empty notebook with instructions?  Page 1 - draw a horse.  Page 2 - draw what you see outside.  Maybe it's just me, but this doesn't sound like a very good present.  Or is she saying she made a book of her own drawings and gave it to him?  Because that's not a very good present either - note that her ex loved to draw, not loved to look at drawings.  And how many typos can ABC have on these bios?  Someone better be fired for this.  I'm outraged.

Paige: Paige was on the greatest show on TV this summer Bachelor Pad this summer, and there's no doubt that the other women will bring this up.  I think there's going to be a lot of "What is she doing here?  She was already on Bachelor Pad!" and "She doesn't deserve to be here" even though Bachelor Pad is ostensibly a different show than The Bachelor.  Why will the bachelorettes do this?  Because they're looking for any reason to ostracize one of the girls.  This is a show born from drama and cattiness, remember?

Robyn: OK, seriously.  We get it, Bachelor producers.  You're not racist.  But throwing multiple black bachelorettes at us after not having a single one over the past few seasons is overdoing it.

Sarah: Sarah is 26 and lists her occupation as "Advertising Executive".  Let's see part of her Q&A.

What was your college experience like?
Finding the right college was tough for me. I tried fitting in several university "type" colleges - even rushed for a sorority. But it wasn't a fit for me - so I transferred to art school.

Do you have any pets and if so, what kind?
I have a 2-yr. old French Bulldog named Leo, after lion - not Leonardo Dicaprio - although he's incredibly handsome. Leo's not just a pet, he's my son! He even comes to work with me everyday.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it difficult to believe that a 26 year old who bounced around numerous universities before graduating from art school and brings her dog to work everyday is also an "Advertising Executive".

Selma: Yeah, there's no way those are real either.

Taryn: Taryn is 30 years old, and her longest relationship was 10 years.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
Move towns with no job or place set, just left and figured it out when i got there.

What is your ideal mate's personality like?
Optimistic on life, fun and open to new things, motivated, organized in his finances but not too uptight about them, can joke around when the time is right.

This is what I'm assuming: Taryn met her ex when she was a teenager and naive, and her ex turned out to be an unmotivated bum who had no idea how to make or save money, but she was too naive to realize it, and when she did, she just bailed on him and got the hell out of town as soon as she could.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as naturual and we are best friends!
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
I like to be a romantic at times, I just haven't found someone who i can share that with yet.

Someone is desperate for a boyfriend...
And seriously, someone on the ABC website design team better be getting canned for all these typos.  Hell, fire that guy's boss too for hiring the person.

Interestingly, there are 25 women listed here, but the "cheat sheet" says there are 26, so someone is going to crash the party, and I bet that's not going to go over well with the bachelorettes.  Looking forward to January 7th, when we will reconvene the running blog for the entire two hours every week!

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