Monday, January 14, 2013

The Bachelor: Episode #2

We're back for more drama in Episode 2.  I'm so happy The Bachelor has returned to my Monday nights.

After last week's running blog of the premiere, Mysteries left a long note of solid observations, as well as some comments on the blog.  Since some of you might have had similar thoughts, let's address these points together:

1) Why did I not comment on the "rape whistle" joke?  Because I could not top the rape whistle joke.  That is untoppable.
2) Some people are excited that Needy Kacie (NK) is back.  I am not one of those people.  We will just need to agree to disagree and move on.
3) "I'm pretty sure One-Armed Sarah is offensive".  OK, let's discuss.  I had a similar thought running through my head before I started referring to her as "One-Armed Sarah".  But here's the dilemma - how do you refer to Sarah while ignoring her most observable attribute on the very first night?  There are 25 26 different women.  Here was my first reference to One-Armed Sarah, 29 minutes into the show:

8:29: If you're not rooting for One-Armed Sarah, you don't have a heart.

In that statement, it is very clear who and what that statement is referring to.  But let's say I went all PC and decided that I couldn't refer to her as One-Armed Sarah.  

8:29: If you're not rooting for Sarah, you don't have a heart.

If you were watching as the bachelorette vignettes rolled one after another, this is what you would think: "Who's Sarah again?  Is she blonde?  Which one is she?  WHY DIDN'T CHAN GIVE US SOME INDICATION OF WHICH CHICK THIS WAS?!?!"  Keep in mind, we were half an hour into a new season, where there are literally 26 bachelorettes being paraded in front of us, one quick segment after another.  How are you going to keep track of each one?  By naming their most recognizable feature.  Can you even name another feature of Sarah besides her one-armedness?  That's why there was Fifty Shades of Grey psycho Ashley.  That's why there's Kristy The Model.  That's why there's One-Armed Sarah.  And that's why there's FMC Lesley.  But now that we all have an understanding of who One-Armed Sarah is, obviously I do not need to continue referring her as One-Armed Sarah.  I will refer to her as OAS instead.

7:30: Slowest 30 minutes ever...

8:02: Tornado of negativity!  I'm totally in on that.

8:03: Drinking game from now until the end of the season: drink every time there is a gratuitous shot of Sean's body.

8:04: Things I wish I could have bet on: "Sean will choose OAS for the very first one-on-one date."

8:05: Helicopter arrival!  Is Kalon making a random entrance?  Oh, it's just Sean.

8:06: Much better drinking game - drinking game every time OAS mentions her one-armedness.

8:07: I love how all the girls are about to jump Sean's bones because he arrived in a helicopter like he was flying it or it was his idea to arrive via chopper.  No ladies, I'm pretty sure that he had nothing to do with that.

8:13: Pretty sure that the guy giving OAS and Sean instructions is wearing a Jurassic Park t-shirt with the logo blurred out.

8:21: What would you put the odds for OAS getting the final rose at the end of the season?  I'd say 0.01%.

8:24: The group reactions to the individual names being announced for the group date were interesting to say the least.

8:31: What is going on with the yoga instructor's hair?

8:32: The sound department really kicked it up with the music as they showed the palace.

8:33: The person most excited about the photo shoot is Kristy the Model.  It's like it's her job or something.  For the record, I would not have the same reaction if you told me my first date with a girl was to work on spreadsheets and PowerPoint.

8:34: Gratuitous shot of Sean - drink!

8:36: Daniella says she's most excited about her photoshoot.  I wasn't aware that there were girls who were excited about other people's photoshoot...

8:37: I'm all in on FMC Lesley.  Wow.

8:40: I can't believe that the model was the best at taking pictures.  What a shocker.

8:41: Ah yes, nothing like the pool party on the first group date.  A Bachelor staple to get the drama started.  No doubt that drinks will be heavily involved.

8:49: The only way that Lesley could be more of an FMC is if she had an in-depth conversation about baseball with Sean.

8:51: "When do they give out the rose?"  I enjoy how the girls are consulting NK about how things work on the show.

8:55: I have no idea what race Catherine is.

8:58: Tierra: "If I get a rose, I'll feel like he wants to keep me around for a while."  This happens literally right after Sean says, "I'll be keeping you around for a while."

9:00: Love how Katie consults NK as the veteran, just like the rest of the girls.

9:01: Whoa whoa whoa, Sean.  Don't fight too hard for her to stay there.

9:03: Now NK's giving the toast instead of Sean?  What's next?  Taking Chris Harrison's job?  Wait, we shouldn't even joke about that.  We should never joke about someone taking Chris Harrison's job.

9:08: I actually think that Sean set this prank date up - recall the prank that he had bringing Emily home to his hometown.

9:09: Wow, Sean just said that ten seconds later.

9:11: Someone is phoning me right now.  Needless to say, it went unanswered.

9:12: I like how Sean calls her "Dez".

9:13: Love Chris Harrison's "You might be a really bad person" comment.

9:16: It's really hard not to be a fan of Dez.  Yes, I'm going to call her that now too.

9:22: Dez takes the lead around the first clubhouse turn...

9:23: Whoa, Dez rockin' a bikini strong.

9:24: DRINK!

9:25: OK, seriously, how loud was the friggin' pool while they were talking?

9:26: I'm on Team Dez, but Lesley is still the lead FMC.  If that makes any sense.

9:29: Wait, this is my blog.  It doesn't have to make sense.

9:31: There is definitely more fawning over Sean as a piece of meat by the women than in previous seasons of The Bachelor.  Just listen to their reaction when he entered the room for the rose ceremony.

9:33: Wedding Dress Lindsay is much more coherent tonight.

9:35: The key to making an impression with Sean is to drop "marrying my best friend" into the conversation.

9:36: Amanda, Death Stare Queen.

9:37: If you can guarantee me that a tornado of negativity is going to occur during a TV show, there's a 99% chance that I would be interested in watching this TV show.

9:38: Just checked my e-mail.  Apparently it was my parents calling.  They can wait until 10 PM.  I'm also going to remind them of the "Don't phone me on Monday nights" rule...

9:41: Whoa, Robyn just dropped "racially diverse", "race", and "black females" into the conversation.  Interesting.

9:46: Oh yes.  It's not officially Bachelor season until someone mentions "the right reasons".  Thank you Dez.

9:50: Robyn, Lesley, Tierra, Selma, Catherine, Lindsay are locks.  Not sure how many total are getting a rose, but those are the ones I'm calling.

9:52: Oh yeah, Kristy for sure too.

9:53: FMC!  FMC!

9:54: By the way, what the hell is Amanda wearing?  That thought has gone through my head every time they've shown her.

9:56: Dez is not impressed by that last rose.

9:57: Sean's comments about Diana's kids as she left were nice.  What a guy.  He was formerly known as "Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette".  It turns out he's also "Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelor".

10:05: I found Lesley geeking out on Greek mythology during the closing credits kinda hot.  Then again, FMC status means I find just about everything a girl does kinda hot.  Even correcting people on the enunciation of Hades.

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