Monday, July 09, 2012

The Bachelorette: Episode #9

Before I get started, I just wanted to properly credit my buddy G-Unit for giving me the scoop on the Chris Harrison-Emily rumour from last week.  This past week, I was told that Mrs. G-Unit's eagle eye noticed that Chris Harrison was still wearing his wedding ring during his interview with Emily, even though he is now separated from his wife.  It'll be interesting to see if/when the wedding ring disappears as we wrap up the season.  And yes, I will be looking for it tonight.
On a side note, G-Unit looks a lot like Chris Harrison.  Mrs. G-Unit is married to G-Unit, so is theoretically attracted to both him and people who look like him.  Chris Harrison is recently single.  Mrs. G-Unit has been checking out Chris Harrison's wedding ring situation.  Is that a coincidence?  I will let you draw your own conclusions.

7:08: We're not done with Chris Harrison just yet.  If you're looking for some thoughts on what's going to happen tonight, Chris Harrison tells us that tonight's ending is one you can't miss because it's the #mostdramaticever.  A second Chris Harrison tweet ominously tell us how we're going to feel about tonight's episode - don't click if you do not want to know how you will react to tonight's episode.  As if I wasn't looking forward to tonight's episode already...

7:15: By the way, it's obvious that Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette is going home tonight.  You can write that down in pen.  He's too perfect.  Perfect means boring and unchallenging.  Women do not like boring and unchallenging.  You cannot be intrigued by someone who has no flaws and quirks.  If anything, Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette is designed too perfectly.  As I told G-Unit in an e-mail this week, the best thing that Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette can do tonight is let a big fart rip.  I'm not even joking.

7:18: How many guys is Emily going to boink enjoy the fantasy suite with tonight?  My guess is only Arie, since that who she's choosing in the end, leading to Jef With One F becoming the next Bachelor.

8:00: Here we go!

8:02: Promotional consideration provided by American Airlines and the something-something Lodge.

8:04: "When you find those things in a person..."... it's like he's a cyborg specially designed for The Bachelorette?

8:06: Emily admits to liking guys with an edge.  You know who has absolutely no "edge"?  Sean The Cyborg Specially Designed For The Bachelorette, that's who.

8:08: Emily just got choked up talking about Arie.  Emily did not get choked up talking about the other two guys.  Emily is choosing Arie.

8:17: I noticed that the helicopter didn't fly away after dropping them off.  What's the pilot doing during their date?  Reading a book?  Sodoku?  Angry Birds?

8:19: Sean: "I'm crazy about you." Emily: "Thank you."  Not something one says to their future husband.

8:26: This would be the perfect time for Sean to just let a huge fart rip.  I'm dead serious.

8:28: Guys are really a fan of writing things down and reading them to Emily this season.

8:29: The drinking game tonight is Emily saying "Thank you" to Sean.

8:30: How nervous was Sean before he dropped the L-bomb?  You could totally read it in his eyes.

8:31: Boinking Fantasy suite decision time!

8:33: Sex denial #1!

8:34: Emily definitely wanted to get physical with the Cyborg.  Tremendous restraint shown.

8:40: I'm on a boat!

8:42: "...and even though I couldn't say anything back, he could tell from my face how I felt."  Is that the first time in the history of the show that it's been made blatantly clear the Bachelor/ette is not allowed to drop the L-bomb?

8:49: You know why Emily would be happy to move to wherever Jef With One F?  Because she saw the freakin' compound that Jef With One F brought her to on his hometown date.  She knows wherever she goes, she'll be well taken care of.  I would love to have seen her reaction to that question if Cyborg had asked the exact same thing.

8:52: Jef With One F is just killing it on this date.  He's asking questions that prove he's thinking about the big picture.

8:54: Reverse Sex Denial!  Unbelievable!!!  What a swerve!

8:58: Right after the reverse sex denial, Jef With One F confidently states, "Every night will be a fantasy suite."  I would not be surprised if flames are shooting out of the top of Jef With One F's head because he is on absolute fire right now.  He just put on an absolute clinic on how to do the right thing while leaving Emily wanting more.  Slow clap.

9:00: The reverse sex denial was fantastic.  I love that Jef With One F had the balls to turn her down first.

9:03: I want to swim with dolphins.

9:05: Here's what's going to happen - Cyborg gets sent home tonight, Emily chooses Arie in the finale, Jef With One F becomes the next Bachelor, and then Emily and Arie break up a year later once they realize that a relationship built around making out and sex fizzles out after a while.  Here's what Emily should do - send Cyborg home tonight, choose Jef With One F, and Cyborg becomes the next Bachelor.  Emily and Jef With One F live happily ever after on a farm in Utah with Ricki and their five Mormon-raised kids.

9:18: Emily didn't even offer Arie the fantasy suite card because she didn't "trust herself".  Can we just skip right to Arie's proposal now please?

9:21: No wedding ring on Chris Harrison!

9:23: It's amazing how many different head nods that Chris Harrison can break out during these interviews.

9:28: The Strong Head Nod.  The Slow Head Nod.  The Subtle Head Nod.  The Right Tilt to Left Tilt Head Nod.  The Understanding Head Nod.  The Empathetic Head Nod.  These are just the ones I can name off the top of my head nod.

9:31: Is it just me, or is Emily wearing a glorified tank top right now?

9:33: Tears over Jef With One F's video?  Does that mean he's going home instead of Cyborg?

9:34: Oh Emily, you are so wise.

9:36: Has Emily always had that tattoo on her left wrist?

9:40: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chris Harrison.  Nobody is guaranteeing a proposal in the finale.

9:42: Arie, first rose.  Lock it down.

9:43: First rose Jef With One F?!  What the hell is going on?!

9:44: Ah, OK.  Sending Arie home would have been the biggest shocker of all time.

9:45: For the record, Cyborg wore loafers to his last rose ceremony.

9:46: Emily be emotin' right now.

9:47: Great background music for the whole conversation.  The production guys on this show are so good.

9:50: No tears from Cyborg.

9:55: I enjoyed the subtlety of Sean's exit.  There were no shots a la Chris' infamous "I told you that I LOVED YOU".  Just quiet, sad reflection.

9:57: Ryan, Chris, Doug, and Kalon are going to make The Men Tell All very awesome next week.

10:00: Arie's outtakes were pretty awesome.

10:01: A solid, all around episode.  Not a whole lot else I can really say.  The only debate left is whether the next Bachelor is Sean or Jef.

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