Thursday, December 08, 2011

2012 Bachelor Preview

I've been awaiting the release of the bachelorette bios from this year's Bachelor, and of course they release them the night before I leave for Hong Kong.  Is that going to stop me?  Of course not.  Am I judging a bunch of women based on just a picture and a few paragraphs of text?  Yes. Is that wrong? Of course not. With that being said, let's meet the ladies:

Amber B - She is a fan of Eat Pray Love.  I have made my thoughts known on Eat Pray Love.  The transitive property thus equates to me not being a fan of Amber B.

Amber T
- My buddy Lam is crashing on my couch tonight and will be popping in and out with his thoughtful observations on a handful of ladies.  Lam's thoughts on Amber T: "She looks like she belongs in a trailer park."  Ladies, Lam is shockingly still single if you're interested.
If you wanted to impress a man what would you do and why?
I would cook him an amazing dinner! The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Yes, but what can you really cook in a trailer?

Anna - What is the most outrageous thing Anna has ever done?
I jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet and I loved every second of it. I went skydiving.
Anna likes to answer a question.  And then answer it again for people with an IQ less than 70.

Blakely - If Blake Lively needs a nickname, Blakely works.  And speaking of work, Blakely's occupation is listed as "VIP Cocktail Waitress".  She wants everyone to know that she's not just some cocktail waitress.  No no.  Let's make it very clear.  She only works the VIP area.  Big difference, people.  Big difference.

Brittney - Meh.

Casey S - Six bachelorettes in, and we've found our first FMC!  Casey's best memory was "laughing all night with a guy I had just met".  Hey, people occasionally think I'm funny - that could be me!  I'm excited to meet Casey S.

Courtney - What is your ideal mate's personality like?
Warm, caring, amazing, sense of humor, flirty, genuine, keeps me on my toes, sensitive & has depth. 
So many thoughts.  First, what's the difference between warm, caring, and sensitive?  Can you be warm and caring but not sensitive? Second, could someone please explain to me what "amazing" means in the context of this question.  What the hell does it even mean to have an "amazing" personality?  It's like going to a restaurant for steak and when the waiter asks how you like your steak cooked, you answer, "I want the steak to be awesome!"

Dianna - What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why?
An autographed picture from JC from N'sync because my boyfriend at the time knew how much I loved him. 
I'm going out on a limb by saying that Dianna had an extremely patient boyfriend.  And this is coming from someone who enjoys Mariah Carey.  And for the record, I don't want an autographed picture of Mariah.  Not that that ever stopped G-Unit from putting a framed picture of Mariah on my desk one day at work many years ago.  And yes, the picture remained until I left the job.  Don't judge me.

Elyse - What are your 3 best attributes?
Light hearted - I love to have fun, people have fun around me.Motivational - I am very inspiring and positive.Funny - I love making people happy.
What is your ideal mate's personality like?
Trustworthy, kind, funny, spontaneous, romantic, isn't overly jealous and confident
What's your worst date memory?
I make everything fun. :)  
We have our early favorite for "Overly Perky Girl Who Drives Everyone Else In The House Crazy Because She's So Energetic And Happy All The Time".

Emily - I hate it when my date:
Uses a coupon to bring the bill down to $4.32, then tips the waitress 67 cents. You know who you are.
Here's what I want to know.  Did this guy unload a bucket of change onto the table, or does Emily lack the ability to properly subtract?  Since Emily is a PhD student, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and imagine $4.99 being dumped onto the table in front of a mortified Emily.

Erika - Tattoo count: 2.  Location: Wrist, lip.
Wait, where's that tattoo again???

Holly - Lam weighs in: "She's got a lazy eye!"
What's your worst date memory?
A blind date with an absolute geek that had on 80's clothes in 1997 - couldn't wait for it to end.
So the girl with the lazy eye is judging the appearance of someone else?

Jaclyn - Her facial features look like they're from the pages of a fashion magazine.  Unfortunately, it looks like they came from five different models inside that magazine.

Jamie - What is your favorite memory from your childhood?
Shocking my 6th grade teacher when I could state all 4 chambers of the heart. I stated the direction the blood flowed and which valves it flowed through.
She might have impressed the teacher, but I can pretty much guarantee that the rest of her class hated her.  Nobody likes a know-it-all in the sixth grade.

Jenna - Occupation: Blogger.
I like her already.
Do you like being the center of the attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
This is tough - I love keeping people guessing, yet I madly love to make people laugh.
I take that back.  Her answer makes sense, yet the way it's phrased doesn't make sense.  Who says "I madly love to..."?  What is this, an 1870s play?

Jennifer - Lam thinks her smile is forced, and I tend to agree.  There's no need to see every single tooth you have when you smile.
Tattoo count: 4
Location: feet, right hip and lower back
She only lists three locations of her four tattoos.  Either she has two tattoos in one of those locations, or she has a "secret location" tattoo.  I'm going with the two-in-one for Jennifer.  Also, it's our first lower back tattoo alert!

Kacie - What is your ideal mates personality like?
Outgoing, fun-loving, athletic, driven, goal oriented, sensitive but strong, not afraid to try new things, Christian, family oriented, love children
I've never watched a season with a seriously religious person on it before.  This would be interesting to watch, especially if she gets to the final three and has the dilemma of the overnight dates and the chance at a fantasy suite.  I can see it now: "Ben, I don't think God would approve of you rocking my world tonight after knocking boots with someone else last night, followed by you sleeping with a third girl tomorrow night.  But it doesn't explicitly say that in the Bible, so let's get busy."

Tattoo location: Foot, side and another location.  Well, that's not very Christian-like, now is it?

Lindzi C - Really?  "Lindzi"?  Really?
If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring and why?
My iPhone for its camera app - I love photography
Let me get this straight.  You're stranded on a desert island and you have your iPhone with you. Instead of using it to call to be rescued, you'd use it to take pictures.  I'm also intrigued as to how you're going to charge your iPhone after you take a few pictures.  Are you going to plug it into a coconut?

Lyndsie J - Seriously?  "Lyndsie" and "Lindzi"?  I'm protesting these names and moving on.

Monica - If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
Endless Supply of Pina Coladas
What is your favorite hoiday and why?
St Patty's Day - must be the Irish in me. Or the great beer, food, and fun gatherings.
Someone likes to party....and is possibly eligible for the lower back tattoo alert!

Nicki - If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about doing it?
Make him notice me (walk by, talk to his friend, etc.) then make flirtatious eye contact with him until he approaches me
Nicki's plan to approaching a man is to make him approach her.  OK then.

Rachel - If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
I think I would want to be a guy for the day just to see what it's like....I think I would hate it but it would be good insight. Either that or a huge celebrity and see what it's like to be followed and photographed everywhere you go.
The question asked her to pick a person, and she literally answered with men and a celebrity.  Let's put a little more thought into the questionnaire next time, shall we?

Samantha - Her three tattoos lie in "various locations".  I bet they can be seen in various positions.

Shawn - Shawn is a financial advisor and her five tattoos lie in "various locations".  Samantha is impressed.
Do you consider yourself romantic and why?
I think I am romantic I love romance, passion, intimacy and creating special memories! I also love leaving I love you notes in lunch boxes or surprising the people I love with unexpected things just to say thinking of you.
I'm not sure I would be comfortable with receiving financial advice from someone who still has a lunch box like she's in the second grade.

Sheryl - Three theories:

  1. This is just a joke that they put on the website since the website says 25 bachelorettes and Sheryl would be #26.
  2. Sheryl is here to introduce her (grand)daughter to Ben.
  3. She's a secret spy for Ben.
Shira - Question mark for age and a actress listed as her occupation.  I believe drama eagerly awaits Shira in more than one way.  No doubt that her being an actress will lead to many a "She's not here for the right reasons" discussion if she sticks around.

So that's the field of 25.  Let the catty insults and melodrama begin!

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